I'm always scared of talking to people and confronting them.

[Pureison]

Hi there, I'm new here and I just thought I'd give this a go because I'm hoping that someone can give me advice.

I guess I want to talk about is, I'm never been the one to be very confident, I'm always shy and nervous and not really showing my true self until I have known the person long enough to do that. It makes me really sad because there is so much I want to do like get a job in retail, but it makes me so scared and nervous because I have to work with customers and new people. I see so many friends who can do it so easily, and they just make it seem so natural for them. But for me, it takes me a long time because all I want to do is just hide from them and hope that I don't have to speak to them because I am worried they might judge me or make a rude remark. I am also not very good at confronting people or talking over the phone and speaking clearly, which makes working in retail difficult as that's part of the job. I just wish I was more confident and gain good customer skills without being scared. Another thing too is that getting a job requires to work independently, while I can do that some of the time, most times I just feel like I need someone to tell me what to do or how I should do it because I get scared and stressed if I don't know what I'm doing and no one is there to help... I'm in my 20s and I haven't had a job or been able to do the things I want to because I'm so nervous or scared when it comes to people or talking to people.

Has anyone else been through this? What things have you guys tried to help you through it?

[Pureison]

I just thought I'd make a note, that sometimes my nervousness makes me want to cry or avoid doing what I want to do because I'm so afraid of either confrontation or just not wanting to it because it asks me to do those things even though at the same time I want to.

[lucagabriella]

Hi Pureison

I am new to this site also, and I'm learning the ins and outs of it still. I've been using it to distract myself a little, or right now because I can't sleep.

I am a little younger than you and I am replying because I understand what you feel. Maybe not entirely - I am sure there is more to this than meets the eye, but I feel a similar way. I can't get a job and find it very difficult to talk with others, or be confident in social situations. My best friend is the opposite of me and finds these social interactions so easy and doesn't fully understand me when I tell her I'm afraid. I feel I rely on her so much in social situations that I become her shadow, and I don't go out often if I know she isn't going. I hate feeling afraid because I know it is irrational and silly, yet I don't know how to stop it.
I have allowed my fear to stop me from doing the things I like and want to do, and I came to this forum because I recognize that I need to find a way to manage it.

I think you've made a good start by acknowledging why you are afraid - you said you were worried of being judged, or that someone would make a rude remark. Maybe start by listing what it is you are afraid of exactly? It could help for you to pinpoint a way to slowly work at it, or someone may be able to give you advice to overcome those specific little fears, which would hopefully help for you to eventually overcome enough of your fear to tackle those scary situations in life.

I know it is easier said than done. I can't speak on your behalf, but it annoys me so much when people tell me that my fear is normal. Yes, it is, everyone feels afraid, but knowing that everyone feels that way does not make it better (for me at least, it doesn't). Hopefully for you, talking about it here and having people listen helps.

I am looking forward to hearing back from you. I hope this helped!

- lucagabriella

[White_Rose]

Dear Pureison and Lucagabriella

Hello and welcome to both of you. Excuse me for writing to both of you at the same time.

Social anxiety is very hard to manage. I know people say it's normal which upsets you Lucagabriella, but having anxiety to the extent you are both affected is not normal. Sure everyone gets a bit nervous over this and that and it's totally different to social anxiety, which I'm guessing is the problem you both have.

So what to do about it? Pureison, why do you want to work in retail when it would be such a nightmare for you? I ask because this can be a great motivator to manage yourself better. I think it will take time but I see no reason why you cannot manage to be with people without falling apart.

I think it may help if you had some counselling for this. How do you go at the doctor's? Can you talk to him/her? My suggestion is to make an appointment, which I know will start you worrying again. Can you ask your parents to make the appointment? Copy and print your first post and take that to your GP. All you have to do is hand it over. I think this may be a huge step for you so consider if you would like someone to go with you. 'Hand holding' can be good in these situations.

You wrote What things have you guys tried to help you through it? While others can give you tips on how to cope, you really need to address the reason why you are so nervous. The other stuff comes later.Self confidence and self esteem are the goals at the moment. By the way, going to see your GP will be great for your confidence.

Talk about getting some counselling. You can ask someone to go with you at first. After a while you will be able to get there on your own.

Let us know how you go.

Mary

[lucagabriella]

Hi Mary and Pureison

Thank you for replying. Your post asked why Pureison wanted to do retail, and it's just a thought, but maybe Pureison should try slow at first - maybe apply for a job in the food industry or something small just to build the confidence up first. Once you are in an environment that forces you to make those little steps, it can be a lot easier to get your foot in the door for a job in retail.

That is how I am tackling job searching - I know that retail personally wouldn't suit me, but I think it would be good for me to do it in order to build my confidence. However I need to start slow first, because I know jumping right into retail when my experiences with customers is at an all time low will definitely do wonders for my nerves. In saying that, if the opportunity does present itself for a retail job - go for it! As the people in my soccer team often tell me, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take on goals.

- lucagabriella

[Guest743]

It sounds maybe like you may have some social anxiety. That is something I have and it can get in the way of everyday activities. For me I don't like crossing the road at a busy intersection because I worry the motorists will be looking and judging me. Last weekend the neighbours held a birthday party and all their visitors parked their cars on the road in front of my house. I couldn't go into my front yard because I was worried they would all look and judge.

How I deal with it is take medication and have regular sessions with a counsellor. It has been a slow road for me but that's not to say that it would be for you. You might progress swiftly.

White Rose above suggested booking in with a GP and and a counsellor. That'd be a good place to start.

[lucagabriella]

Hi Losing_Touch

I am replying because you said you don't like crossing the road at busy intersections for fear you will be judged. I feel the same way and often avoid situations (such as walking the dog) that require me walking near main roads. That is the first time I have heard someone feel that same way and I couldn't help but reply.
Have you found ways to overcome it? Or make it that little bit easier?

I know for me, on my good days, I am able to do it as long as I am with someone. Generally this only works if I am walking to and from school in my uniform with my sister or best friend, because for some reason I feel like "well, they can see I am a student, so I have a reason to be here - they can't judge me." Maybe not the right mindset, but it is a little bit of progress.

Lately, I have been walking my dog to the park nearby and try to convince myself to go that little bit further towards the main road. So far I always back out and just turn around and go home, but I am hoping one day I will find the courage to walk where I want to without fear.

I also read somewhere else on this forum that it could help to convince yourself you'll do something for only one or two minutes, or maybe you'll only be there for a little while. That doesn't necessarily work for walking on main roads, but for social situations (like parties or family events) I think it could help to have the mindset "I'll only go for an hour" and just see how you go once you're there. That's just a thought, and could also apply to you too Pureison.

Do you have tips? Maybe I was able to give you a few. I would love to hear back from you.

- lucagabriella

[White_Rose]

Hello Pureison

I have missed you on this thread. How are you feeling? What is happening in your world? There have been several posts on your thread since you last wrote. I hope you can continue to write here.

Mary

[Pureison]

Hi guys, I apologise for the extremely late response, but I thank you for your time and patience and all the advice that you have given me. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has this problem.

Dear lucagabriella, you have made a very good point about asking the question why because I never really thought of it. I always question how. So for your advice I'll work on that.

Dear White Rose, Thank you for your kind post in addressing us both. I have been to the dentist, and they notice that I get anxious during the procedure and have asked about going to see the doctor. I even discussed it with my mum but she said it was 'up to me' but I'm too nervous to actually agree to go, because of all the questions they'll ask and how overwhelming it'll get. I also don't really want my parents to worry either.

Again, I apologise for this 2 year reply, but thank you all for commenting.

[White_Rose]

Hello Pureison

Good to hear from you again. Can you ask your mom to go to the doctor with you? She does not need to be part of the consultation just to make sure you get there OK.

I wonder why you are afraid of the doctor's questions. Is it because you do not want to reveal something? I can understand the feeling of being overwhelmed by questions. Perhaps you could start by explaining your anxiety to the doctor and asking him/her not to ask questions until you have finished telling them. There will still be information they need but you can short circuit many questions by telling your story upfront.

Another way is to write down what you want to say. Use your earlier posts to help or simply print out these posts. Put down everything you can think of and give the note to your GP. In some ways it will be easier to write it all down as you will not need to control your voice while telling the doctor. There will be a questioning section as the doctor will probably need more information than you have written but do not get too apprehensive. The more difficult part is the start.

I would love to know how you get on.

Mary