I just want to be alone all the time

[Jessah]

When i'm around people I'm charismatic, bubbly, funny, friendly, and I have really great conversations with people...but I don't want to. There is never a time when I actually want to hang out with people. Every time I have a choice, I choose to be alone. My partner is often on call for work, and I get so happy when he has to go off to work so I can have a couple of hours by myself, and i'm miserable when I know that time is about to end. I hate catching up with friends to hang out, but I feel like I have to. I'm a school teacher, so I go to work every day dreading my day. I actually had to stop working full time because I couldn't handle the stress, the pressure, and having to work on a team all the time. I don't call my family, who all live in a different state (I moved away so I wouldn't have to be involved in social family things), because when i have some time to do that, i just don't want to spend it in a conversation. I struggle so much when I go days without at least 5ish hours completely to myself. I don't mean in a room alone...I mean when I am home alone, and I don't see anyone or hear anyone's voice. I can't stand watching movies or tv because the constant chattering of actors drives me insane. I don't know if this is normal, but I suspect it's not. It feels normal and healthy for me, and i can cope with people sort of every second day if I have a whole day to myself in between. Sometimes when I have been bombarded with people, I will go without food because I can't bear to leave my home to go grocery shopping. I aborted twins a couple of years ago because I was afraid that if I had them and I couldn't handle having them always around, that something bad might happen. I've decided not to have kids at all because I just don't think I could handle them, and also having to socialise with other parents, and run them around and do all of that crap. It just sounds like hell to me. I don't want a family or partner at all. My partner of 14 years is leaving in February, and although I'm sad about him moving out, and the fact that we'll probably break up, I'm looking forward to having a bed to myself and a flat mate instead who I don't really have to have anything much to do with if I don't want to. I have friends, and I have deep connections with them all, but I very rarely crave their presence, and usually when I catch up with them, it's because I feel guilty for not having done so for ages. Is there something wrong with being this reclusive?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Jessah,

Thanks for your post.

Is there something wrong with being this reclusive?

When I think about when something could be wrong, I think of how being reclusive can affect people's lives. Their work is affected, their relationships are affected, day to day living, moods... I don't think it's so much the amount of time spent alone but more so the impact that the need to be alone has on the rest of your life.

Some people are very naturally introverted; they do not socialise often and they enjoy spending time alone. I'm one of them. I would take dogs over people and books over parties any day. I personally feel the need to spend time alone and I have to have that time. People won't always understand (because they aren't as introverted as I am), but that's what I need to be healthy. I feel good about myself and I'm in a better mood when I spend time alone.

However I know that I need balance - I'll talk to people, go outside, do social things etc because I know how important that also is for my mental and physical health. What that balance looks like to me is going to be different to probably everyone on this forum, so there isn't a clear cut answer on what's right/wrong.

I think you know yourself best and whether what's going on is 'healthy' for you or not. Is it that you need to set really clear boundaries so that you can spend time alone without feeling too deprived? Do you need to do click and collect or home delivery on grocery shopping so that you can prioritise yourself more? Or does it feel like something you feel the need to work on so you feel less of a need to be alone?

I hope this helps a little,

[White_Rose]

Dear Jessah

Welcome to the forum and thanks for being here.

Is there something wrong with being this reclusive? Like Romantic I think it's good to look at this statement. I think this is an important aspect of who you are. Most people like to be on their own for varying periods and reasons so in itself there is nothing wrong or unusual. Spending much of your life alone may be different. I am sad your partner is moving out especially after so long together. These things happen. I left my husband after 30 years and I also enjoy being on my own.

My grandson lived with me for three years while he completed an apprenticeship and I think we were both pleased when he moved back to his parents once the apprenticeship was finished. As I said to him, the last teenager I lived with was his dad and it was quite a shock to adjust to a teenager again. However this is not exactly what you mean.

I enjoy being on my own in my own home. It is satisfying. I try not to cut myself off from others because it can easily lead to my mental health going down. For me it's something I need to watch. When I look at my diary for the week and see I have one or two days with nothing happening I feel happy as I can concentrate on those activities I enjoy, such as embroidery and reading. Gardening gets a guernsey as I enjoy making it look good and putting in new plants.

For me life is a balance of being alone at times and with others at times. If you can monitor yourself to make sure being on your own does not lead to MH problems then do what feels best. The only exception I may suggest is family. I know nothing about your family circumstances so please excuse me if I make a blunder. Family I find is pivotal even when we have little contact. Sending an email now and then, birthday/Christmas card is not onerous I find and will keep you in contact without compromising your desire to be reclusive. As I said, this may not work for you.

If you would like to keep chatting please feel welcome. We are here 24/7 though obviously not individually. Can't guarantee an immediate reply but we do check the threads regularly.

Mary