I have this little monster in my head called doubt

[Jabby_88]

Hi all,

I'm 23, new to this & feel a little silly resorting to a forum but hope that putting something down in words might help me feel a bit better.

for the last few months it's like I have this little monster in my head called doubt, everything I do it's like this voice in my head questions if it's what I want to do, or if it's how I really feel, or makes me wonder how my life would be if I went a different path.

i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, he's not perfect, and the last few months haven't been wonderful, but I love him. I know I do. I want babies with him & to grow old and have a life together,

That being said I always find myself questioning if I love him enough, just that little voice in my head again, for a while it's like that thought was stuck on repeat and I just couldn't get rid of it..it's not as bad these days but it still happens & drives me crazy because he's what I want, we live together & I guess the affection from his end isn't wonderful, which in a way i guess makes me feel a little like I'm not good enough, or that there's something wrong with us..With this being said it leads to the next thing, a few months ago I was at the gym and randomly got a thought of what would it be like to be with a girl if my boyfriend and I broke up, now this sent me into absolute melt down, this thought got trapped in my brain stuck on repeat and literally left me feeling helpless and hopeless, I couldn't go to work one day because the anxiety of the fact that 'what if I'm a lesbian' was eating me up inside. Personally it's not for me, I can appreciate when there is an attractive female, but not because I want to be with them, I've always been attracted to men, always.. The thoughts aren't too bad anymore, but I still have days where they get trapped and I don't know how to deal with them or understand why they're there. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with this, could it be because I'm not feeling satisfied in my sexual relationship with my boyfriend? I know I'm straight and this is why these thoughts are so distressing, I've looked up HOCD and think maybe it could be that? Also ROCD seems to fit me too..

It creeps up on me at the weirdest times, and it's always that little monster 'doubt' asking me what my life would be like if it was like 'this' or like 'that'.

anyways that's it in short, hopefully someone can let me know I'm not tapped or crazy & that these things are somewhat normal & a part of life

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

These things are really normal and part of most people's lives. Not just Australians, but world wide.

Doubt is one of those two edged things. Some is helpful (I doubt I can jump off this building and land okay), too much is limiting (I doubt I avoid falling over the guard rail if I walk near the edge to look at the view).

At the risk of generalizing, I don't know a single person my age (45) who didn't have doubts about their life in their twenties. Particularly about life style stuff like sexuality, children, partners.

In regards to sexuality, my personal belief is that everyone is on the spectrum somewhere. Lots of people think about bisexuality in their life. I could pull up some stats on this if it would reassure you about how common it is.

I know I'm straight and this is why these thoughts are so distressing

This sounds like you're attaching a negative to being gay/bisexual/curious. I'm perhaps more liberal than most, but it might help not to think of interest in same sex as bad. Again it's a common enough thing to think about being, you shouldn't feel shame or distress about it (easier said than felt I know).

could it be because I'm not feeling satisfied in my sexual relationship with my boyfriend?

Sometimes bi curious thoughts do come about from being unsatisfied. But I think you being unhappy physically in the relationship is something you probably do need to do some thinking about. If you haven't talked to him about it, you might need to.

[Cantthinkofadisplayname1]

Hmmmm. Thanks for your post Jabby. Been mulling it over.

I don't think you should be concerned at all about having thoughts about women. I can't quote the source as I've forgotten it but I recall reading somewhere that a males most common fantasy/desire is being with two women....but the most common fantasy a woman has is being with another woman. I'm not sure of the validity of that statement but I wouldn't be surprised if it were true.

As for your partner...this I can comment on with authority. I myself have been pictured as "emotionally distant" and it's true. Some blokes just aren't good at expressing emotions. That's not to say they don't feel, love or cherish as a lot actually do but don't express it in too many words or actions. If he's good to you, faithful and supportive...go with that. Sure you might like more confirmation of his love at times and that's natural too. I think what I'm trying to say is never lose sight of the bigger picture. If he makes you happy...rejoice!

So no....I don't think your crazy at all. I believe what you're experiencing is fairly common. Even if you were bi or other....it would be your choice and nobody has the right to critique you for it.

Dont rush! You and your partner are still relatively young. Plenty of time to determine if the depth is there for a family and/or marriage. My advice...explore your limits....take your time...grow and develop together. Only then can you really be certain about what direction you both take....but hasty decisions are rarely healthy. If you make it...then you've built a solid foundation of understanding, togetherness and love to build upon.

No monster in my opinion...just natural curiosity. Your young...ask questions...explore...test waters...it's how we as normal human beings develop. This is your springtime!

[Jabby_88]

Thanks for your response 🙂 I think putting it down in writing made me realise that these are indeed 'thoughts' and I don't necessarily need to attach myself to them.

it is overwhelming when you think you have it all figured out and then you get a random thought in your head that makes you second guess everything you are/think you know.

my partner is 28 this year, and I think the fact he wants to think about children etc makes me feel like I need to grow up even faster (I only turned 23 last week). One minute I want that life, the next I'm happy to keep 'growing up', so you're right- plenty of time to determine the depth.

And that's true too, and I'm not concerned really about anybody critiquing me for my choice of sexuality, I'm in a pretty good family & have a pretty good network of friends, so that doesn't phase me, the fact that I knew who I was etc and then got this thought in my head really threw me off and my brain latched on to that though & it was on constant repeat.

thankyou for the advise, hopefully from here on in I can deal with it all a bit better 🙂

[Jabby_88]

Hi grok, thanks for the feedback.

I think you're right- the fact that I attach a negative response to the thought is what sends me into overdrive- I don't have anything against those who are, but I guess in my heart I know I'm straight & but because this thought came into my head so randomly & that 'what if' thought got stuck, given already having anxiety it sent me into overdrive..

And yes- could definately talk it out with my boyfriend & hope that my doubts about our relationship change 🙂 thanks heaps

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

One support network that might help is the reddit community for 'dead bedrooms' which describes itself as

A support group for Redditors who are coping with a relationship that is seriously lacking in sexual intimacy. Advice is always appreciated, just don't be surprised if we've heard it all.

It's a community of 36,000 so take comfort in that you're not alone! On the right hand side are links to reading and advice articles, the left hand side is more forum like.

[Birdy05]

Hey Jabby,

I know this is an older post but I appreciate what you have written and have recently been going through the same thing. I have had intrusive thoughts about my sexuality and my relationship for a couple of months. Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and I love him to pieces and want to settle down with him but after watching a moving where the main character came out as gay after being married to a man I started to get these thoughts.

My intrusive thoughts range from thinking I’m suddenly attracted to woman - I have never been sexually attracted to a woman in my life and have always identified as straight - and thinking my partner is cheating on my or doubting if I love him enough. I also have intrusive thoughts about us getting divorced later in life and we aren’t even married. It has been driving me insane for months. I am a chronic over thinker and stresser and do have some OCD traits but have never been diagnosed with OCD or Anxiety.

I just want to know have you been able to squash the intrusive thoughts and OCD and if so how did you manage to do so? I am currently looking at Pyschologists to go and see as these thoughts won’t go away and are causing so much anxiety and stress but I want to know if you have been able to handle some of these thoughts on your own.

Thanks 🙂