I have just been the worst lately and I just feel so alone

[Tris_]

I'm constantly living in a state of being that is in between wanting to curl up and fall asleep and never wake up and wanting to fly to some crazy far away place and try become successful.

I'm somehow in between extremely motivated and extremely demotivated. Wanting to do so much and having so many ideas. But then literally not doing anything.

And probably everybody will be like "yeah that's called depression" IF IT IS THEN WHEN WILL IT GO AWAY

I know this is the Anxiety thread and it sounds like mainly depression I'm talking about. But what's really running my life is anxiety. My self-esteem is literally lower than the deepest ocean. When I'm really down/in a panic attack I have to take down my mirror in the bathroom and brush my teeth/apply lotion without being able to see my reflection because I'm so utterly hideous. I don't have a full body mirror anymore because I broke it ages back.

I have so much anxiety about myself, about my future, about how people see me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm self-destructive. Like I'll be having a panic attack and I KNOW the way to help with breathing techniques but I don't do them. Maybe I just like to feel that raw emotion of crying and letting it out cuz I bottle it up for a long time.

But then I also feel selfish because I want attention really badly sometimes. I don't end up doing stuff to get attention too often but I looooveee fantasizing about it. My biggest fantasy is being unable to be hurt or be in pain, then getting into a big accident so I can go to the hospital and have people huddle around me, attach things to me and people turn up. It's why as stupid as it sounds (which is very stupid) I really wish that I had broken a bone in my life already. Somehow I've managed to be careful enough for it to never happen. But I want that attention. (This is probably from a lack of attention from my family while growing up).

It's been three years since I finished Year 12 and all I've done is do a little work during the first year which I blew all the money on shit I didn't need and don't like anymore. So basically I've done nothing for 3 years. I sucked ASS in School and I don't know what to do next. I am so unbelievably terrified of dying alone and not being successful.

this is the lamest ramble ever and I would completely understand if nobody gives a shit/responds

if somebody does, just help please

tris~ 😞

ps i could ramble for hours, you're lucky this website has a word limit :<

[PamelaR]

Hi Tris

Welcome to our community forums

Anxiety and depression is the pits some times isn't it? That feeling of wanting to do things, but never getting up to do it. So hard sometimes. I know what it's like. My own life is a struggle like that at times. The lack of attention from family while growing up resonates with me. But at the same time, I want the rabbit hole to bolt down and disappear. That's a little different to you, where you are seeking attention.

I don't think you were rambling either. Talking about things is good. It's good you've found your way to our community. Do you have anyone else you can talk to? For example a close family member or trusted friend?

Sometimes when anxiety and depression have taken a hold of me, I need help to get me out of the pit (rabbit hole). I visit my doctor and health professional (psychologist). Are you seeing someone like this about how you are at the moment? That might be a good starting place for you? From what you've said your self esteem and self worth need a lift to help you get up and doing the things you want to do (not necessarily the things you fantasise about though).

The other thing I've found since I stopped work is - boredom has set in. Boredom is a good one to get me into anxiety and depression. Far too much time thinking (fantasising/worrying about what could happen, what wouldn't happen). So keeping active is the key. Though I find it hard when I'm down, that's why getting help from the doc and psych picks me up enough to start getting active again.

Sometimes it feels like I'm going around in circles. However, the one very good thing I find is - I'm always learning something new, something to help me the next time around.

Hope some of this helps you Tris. Be kind to yourself. You are worth it!

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Tris_]

Firstly, thanks so much. Just your reply means the world to me.

I have got close friends. But some stuff is just stuff that I can't say to them. I don't want to burden them. Or make them think I'm a mess. Also I'm afraid to say some stuff because it's certain things that if you say it it's like the crazy bell gets rung and doctors run in and wheel you away on a stretcher.

I am seeing a Psychologist but they've been booked up for awhile so my next appointment isn't until next month. Plus we've been on different topics for the most part. And it's like, I've kept loads of my depression/anxiety hidden from the start so it feels too late to say anything. Plus I'm worried again that if I say certain things people will bust through the door and drag me away. Like she knows that I have depression and anxiety but not the severity of it.

[PamelaR]

Hiya Tris

Thank you for sharing more of your story. I know it's so hard. It was 48 or more years before I started to reveal. Then again, I never remembered. In some ways that was good. So I do understand why you find it difficult to disclose. Who wants to hear all that? Do they really want to hear how 'bad' I really am?

If I've learnt anything over the past 8 years - it's that the psych's are there to help. There isn't much most of them haven't heard before. If you're anything like me and very aware of body language you'll pick up their reaction when you say something. Most of them are really good at knowing this and are prepared.

Telling my psych the most awful things that have happened to me was excruciating. However, what was worse for me was living day and night with all these things going on in my head. I found it the best thing to unload! Life began to make sense for me, I'm starting to live, to be happy (at times), to begin to be kind to myself. Such important things to help recover.

Be kind to yourself Tris. Do what you can, when you can. Reach out when you want. No pressures from us.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Tris_]

Thanks very much for this beautiful advice.

I guess you're right about telling them certain things. It's better to say something and feel bad for a moment then keep it in you at all times and let it dig into you. Next meeting with my Psych I'll try tell her the more heavy stuff and I'll let you know how that goes.

I'd love to come in here until then whenever I'm feeling awful. Just this conversation has helped me get through the day.

Thanks Pam.

[PamelaR]

That's awesome Tris.

Pop in anytime. Can't guarantee I'll be here all the time. My life can get a bit full on at times. But I'm sure others will drop by to see how you're going.

Good on you Tris!

PamelaR

[Wizard1]

Hi Tris,


Welcome to the forum. It sounds like what you are going through a very difficult time, I am sorry to hear the struggle you are going through. I've been reading your thread and I was pleased to read you feeling more confident about opening up to your psychologist.


Are you exercising regularly? Exercise has been know to help alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression. If you are not then, no pressure, start with as much as you feel comfortable with and work yourself up. It can be anything you like, walking, running, star jumps, Wii fit, dancing, what ever you feel comfortable with so long as it gets the heart pumping and the endorphins kicking in.


I would say you are not rambling at all. I found your posts quite expressive, coherent and comprehensive. I would even suggest that you might say the very same things you've said here to your psychologist. If on the day you are anxious, you may consider starting with "I want to open up with you but I fear that if I do ...". This alone will give your psychologist insight into how you feel and thus they may be able to help you feel more at easy.


As Pamela has already said, go easy on yourself. You are better than you think you are. There are always people here willing to listen. Feel free to talk as much or as little as you please.


Cheers
Wizard

[kanga_brumby]

Again welcome Tris You will find Pamela greatto turn to for advice she has a great head on her shoulders. Another two good people are Paul and Geoff,

Peter

[blondguy]

Hi Tris

You are a legend for writing this thread. I noticed that you said hello in the Cafe the other day as well! You are a strong and proactive person where your health is concerned 🙂

It doesnt really matter whether you posted on the depression or anxiety thread. We are here for you 🙂

You havent rambled at all Tris....The breathing techniques arent that important in the early stages of anxiety...Basic counseling is though. I understand you as I have had anxiety for a few years now (in recovery) and yes its bad news. I hear you loud and clear Tris

Thankyou so much for your complimentary post too!

please be gentle with yourself....you are not alone here Tris

Paul

[Tris_]

Thanks to everybody that replied ❤️

@Wizard1: I don't exercise at all. I also don't eat very well, I don't sleep very well. Which is all coming together to make me feel awful. I'm not getting the right amount of vitamins or protein or anything really. By not eating very well I mean I don't eat much. So all of this leads me feeling hungry while not wanting to eat anything, I'm either tired or currently sleeping during the day and missing sunlight and that on top of how I already feel just makes me feel utterly useless.

@blondguy: I guess I just realized that because I don't see my Psych for awhile I have to post something somewhere otherwise I don't think I'll cope for much longer.

A couple of weeks ago I had the worst night I've ever had. Basically I thought that I wouldn't see the next day. I was actually shocked that I managed to make it to the next day. But ever since then my anxiety has been worse. I've been feeling more upset and been having more panic attacks than before.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad, and the crossroad is that I either pick a lane right now and I focus on something for next year and really try and get better. Or I give up and basically succumb to my biggest fears of being nothing and having nobody.

Look I don't know anybody here so I may as well put all my chips on the table.

1. My eating problem is that I'm extremely picky and it is the source of a lot of anxiety on top of everything else.

2. I sit on the Computer all day everyday and I absolutely hate it. But it's the only thing I know and it's the familiarity that feels good. I think I just started with it to cope with School but now that School is over I just haven't stopped. And I'm so done with it too, it brings me more anger and anxiety that happiness nowadays.

3. I haven't been in a relationship, I'm 21 in December and it makes me very upset. Although it's probably a good thing because how can I maintain a relationship when I don't even like let alone love myself. I'd just be a burden and awful to be around.

feel free to tell me I deserve everything because of my habits 😕

Also tip for everybody make sure you copy big texts of chat you're going to post into any website. Because I had to rewrite this because the website went down when I tried to post this so I had to retype everything 😞