I feel lost and completely alone :(

paydel · ‎16-02-2021

Ever since highschool ended, I've been on a steady but effective decline. I seem to have this fear of amounting to nothing, but also a fear of trying. It's been something like 3 and a bit years now and even though there have been moments, I've never felt more lost and alone. Even around family and friends.

At the moment I'm overwhelmed. I've just moved houses with my family and that was a lot. Several days, lots of stuff, and we moved it all ourselves on trucks and Utes. Plus, I'm the one who has had to organise a few of the utilities like internet and phone lines, and we just found out NBN isn't available in our area for some time. Their fault, not ours, but we're the ones who have to suffer and our telecom company isn't helping in the slightest. Total nightmare scenario.

Coming off that I saw a course in a field I have an interest in so I pursued it; but the more I spoke with the careers advisor, the more real it got. I persevered anyway and now I'm in it. It starts this week and the problem is; I'm terrified.

I am completely and utterly terrified at the prospect of going back into a learning environment after 2 or so years. What if I fail, this is so last minute, I couldn't possibly prepare myself in time, what about bus routes and fares. Anything I can point and can mplain, worry and see the potential for failure in. You can be I'm seeing and doing it. I don't feel like I have the mental capacity to deal with any of this. But I've got such a boring job, and have been job hunting for months and no-one will hire me.

This is making me sick to my soul. I'm getting nausea, loosing my appetite and I'm having trouble thinking clearly or focusing. When I look up bus routes so I can set my alarms I feel like vomitting. Lying in bed thinking about the idea of waking up makes me sad and I start crying. Admittedly, I'm having a hard time dealing with this and my mind is wandering to some dark places.

On top of all of this, I'm so lonely. I'm part-time so not a lot of shifts. My brother goes to school during the day; my dad's at work, my mum doesn't live with us, my other brother and I aren't close, and I the area I've moved to is kinda out of the way. So I barely see my friends and I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do.

I'm lying on my bed, and I'm so very lost. But writing this was a little therapeutic, I guess.

Sophie_M · ‎16-02-2021

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Paydel, thanks for joining us here. We're very sorry to hear how anxious you're feeling at the moment and can empathise with your feelings of sickness and sadness about the prospect of returning to study. We understand how stressful and tense this process can be! Please know you are not alone in feeling this way and many in our community likely share a similar experience. Hopefully, a few of them will drop by and offer their advice. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors offer support to those aged 5 to 25 and can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

They also have a number of helpful resources on their website such as:

Please keep us updated on how you're feeling whenever you feel up to it.

Summer Rose · ‎16-02-2021

Hi Paydel

Welcome to the bb forum.

I am a mum with adult children and I am very familiar with anxiety. My daughter has an anxiety disorder and OCD.

It’s clear from your post that you have a lot going on in your life. Moving house is one of the most stressful things we can do and returning to study after a long break is bound to be daunting.

What I’m suggesting is that, what you are experiencing—fear, worry and anxiety—is to be expected given all the changes happening in your life. Particularly, when you throw in the impact of the global pandemic on all of our lives.

You are not alone. I understand it’s that it’s really hard right now.

I think it’s really important to breathe and have a think about the best way for you to find some professional help to get on top of your anxiety.

Do you have a GP yet? If not, could you find one? Could you talk to dad about how to find one? I’m asking because a GP would be best placed to assess your symptoms and provide a mental health plan to help you heal.

If this sounds too hard, please try reaching out to kidsline as Sophie suggested. Or you could check to see if there’s a headspace centre where you live.

It can get better. With the right help and support you can learn strategies to cope better and push through the anxiety.

It’s okay if this process takes time. Your health is the most important consideration here, so you can always take the course down the track, if necessary.

I only mention this because I want you to succeed in your course and I really want to encourage you to set yourself up for success.

Does what I’m saying make sense to you? Happy to keep talking.

Kind thoughts to you