I can't stop thinking about my last trigger and anxiety attack- how do I stop

[ClaireBell]

I recently had a phone call with a family member (cousin), I had to tell her that due to an unavoidable university assessment that required me to travel, I couldn't come to her wedding. The conversation was horrible, I tried to apologise and tell her why I couldn't come and she kept cutting me off, telling me my excuse was invalid, that I should just fly in and fly out (I had to travel via plane to get to her wedding) on the day. I tried to explain that emotionally and financially, I couldn't afford it. I think the trigger happened when she started to blame me for her stress, she said that I was ruining the wedding, that she had to rearrange the seating plans and that there would be consequences for my actions. An onslaught of verbal abuse occurred there after and I kept telling her she was hurting me emotionally, and that this argument wasn't worth our relationship as family members. I told her I was on the verge of an anxiety attack and she didn't stop. I had to hang up and I broke down. I don't actually remember half of the conversation, my boyfriend filled me in, I think I blacked out to some extent, I don't know. I cried for two hours, I couldn't stop shaking, I felt like I just couldn't think or breathe and I have never felt so out of control. My aunt rang me afterwards and yelled at me, asking me what I said, I told her and she accused me of lying saying I was causing my cousin all this stress. I think this opened the flood gates again for me. I actually felt fairly broken for a bit afterwards, I felt like the bad guy, the cause of all this pain and I can't stop thinking about it. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't regulate my body temperature (I was hot and sweaty despite it being a very cold night). It's now been four days since, and I'm still having nightmares, I don't know how to stop thinking about it. I feel like I'm overreacting, but I can't shake it, I keep trying to think about what I could have said or done to make it better. I don't know what to do-is this normal?

[Nicau]

Hi ClaireBell,

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like your cousin (and her family) are so busy with the wedding preparation that they do not understand the impact of their actions, time is best passage here. I have sometimes been so absorbed in what I am doing and also forget to look outside. Remind yourself the importance of your goals and the value they will bring to you as a person.

[therising]

Hi ClaireBell

I think it's one thing to not listen to reason, it's an entirely new level when the person who won't listen to reason is abusive, demanding and degrading. Personally, I can relate to your reasons. Financial restriction and not being able to cope with any extra demands on top of an already demanding workload are completely valid reasons. We gotta make choices when it comes to how we're going to manage our time. Managing too much in the time we have can lead to anxiety. Mismanaging money can also lead to anxiety.

Being a gal who's a major feeler, I can say it's definitely challenging feeling someone else's intolerance, anger, disappointment and rant. How I manage depends on what part of me I'm channeling at any given time. If I'm channeling the people pleaser in me, I'll feel like poop based on me desperately not wanting to upset anyone. I'll also feel that person setting off self doubt and my nervous system (into a state of serious hyperactivity). On the other hand, if I'm channeling the warrior princess in me it's a whole other story. She's a fierce defender of the heart and with any hint of heartbreak will come to life full force at times. Through me she may dictate to another 'What leads you to think you can speak to me like that? Why can you not feel what you're saying to me? What the hell is wrong with you?!'. The warrior princess may dictate 'Hang up on that person right now, before they get you more worked up than what you already are!'. I should say, with so many different facets to us, when the people pleaser in me comes back to life, it can sound a little like 'You're horrible, I can't believe you spoke to that person in that way'. This is where reasoning comes into play. Did I have good reason when it comes to shutting them down? Were they being purely self serving and heartbreaking. If the answer is 'Yes' then I can confidently live with what I've said. It's also about boundary setting, making it clear to people how they are not permitted to treat you.

If you could channel the warrior princess in you what would she have to say about all this?