I am scared of my anxiety and scared I will never feel better

[Travelmumma]

Hi all. I am new to posting here but really feeling in need of some support. I have been suffering from panic disorder and depression since my daughter was born six years ago. I am now the mum of two little ones. I take antidepressants and see a psychologist ... I was seeing a psychiatrist too but he retired. It has been a tough year as we packed up and rented out house to go travelling overseas but had to come back to Australia and have been living in limbo ever since. We are heading back to our house soon and my daughter will be starting to school which I though might may me feel better but it hasn’t. Sometimes I cope okay with life but then I seem to fall into a huge black hole of anxiety and panic and it takes all my strength to get out. I really want to stop this cycle but don’t know how or where to turn. I feel so lonely, isolated and hopeless. If anyone has any suggestions for things that have helped them I would love to hear them. Thank you.

[Not_Batman]

Hi Travelmumma.

welcome to the forum. First post is a big step, so well done for reaching out.

can i ask what sort of therapy you have been going through with you psych? (CBT, DBT, ACT)

lets address the elephant in the room...COVID! This has sent the whole world into a spin, new rules that change weekly, stopping us from doing what we want / need to do. Cant travel, in some cases cant even leave the house. Im sure this has had an effect on you globetrotting. You must remember that the pandemic is an unforeseeable issue that very few people can control, so please dont let this burden be on you.

as for your daughter starting school, this is a big milestone for her. Are there any things that are worrying you about this transition?

the anxiety and depression cycle is not fun, i can tell you, but what you learn and apply through the therapy and your own learning helps to break the cycle.

the biggest things that have helped me were learned through therapy and from seeing mental health nurses, and my doctors.

Before i saw any psychologist/psychiatrist, i saw a MH nurse that got me listening to mindfulness and guided meditation. These were very good at helping me focus on my breathing (to calm the panic attacks)

i’ll be honest, i didnt get much out of seeing a psychiatrist, but i only saw them a couple of times.

the psychologist i had practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. so the main thing that this taught me was that my thoughts are only thoughts, they are not reality. If i am having some anxiety, i assess the situation logically, and tell myself that im not in any danger, or tell myself that a thought is not so important right now, so i acknowledge that it is there, but move it to the deal with later pile.

from the forums i have learned to do daily self care things.

ive had anx/dep for a long time, and im not ‘cured’, but i practice what ive learned almost daily to keep myself grounded. i guess its hard to put into detail with 2500 characters. Getting ideas and finding what works for you is the thing, but you must continue to practice them.

i hope you find the forums as helpful as i have. I have certainly learned a lot about myself and coping strategies.

Not_Batman

[Croix]

Dear Travelmumma~

Welcome here, and I'm glad you were met by Not_Batman who has some pretty useful things to say and I'll not repeat them.

I too have had an anxiety condition plus a couple of other things and would like to just mention the following

First you are in charge and if a psychiatrist helped then look for another, or a psychologist -as long as they actually do help now. If not then change. I've had an excellent relationship wiht two over many years and they have made a world of difference. That being said I've met others who have actually set me back - was a time for a change.

Second is the anyone you can lean on who will listen and not give silly suggestions, just care (and practical help perhaps if they are in a position to do so)?

The third thing I found for myself, and that is setting apart a little of each day (don't know when if you are the mum of 2 kids) but sometime. And in that time do something you enjoy.

Anything that gave or gives you a lift. A bit of self reward. I look forward to a couple of chapters in a book or a movie on DVD. They can be ones I've viewed before. The main thing is it gives you something to look forward to and lets you know you are worthy of reward.

For uncontrolled anxiety sessions with the mind locked in a loop of worry and disaster I've found Smiling Mind can get me out of it -with just a little practice. I'm amazed how well it works. A free smartphone app used by the NSW Education Dept.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au

Anxiety can be controlled, I'm an example

Croix

[Travelmumma]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Anxiety and depression can feel so isolating and lonely and I worry that I burden my family with it too much sometimes so I appreciate having you listen and respond.

I have seen a psychologist this year who has got me on to ACT and I have just signed up for the online course but I know I need to put more time into applying it. Other than that I am a bit lost as to where to reach out for support. When I was in crisis mode I was helped by my local community support team but that ended some years ago. My negative thought patterns, worry and negative self voice are very strong and I have a lot of trouble breaking their loop.

I also struggle with a feeling of loneliness being home with my two kids. Everyone tells me this will change when they start school but I am not so sure. I guess I feel like I need to make some big life changes to help myself cope but it all seems so daunting!

Also I think I always thought that my daughter starting school would feel like a bit of a relief but I think I am worried about the commitment, what I will do if she struggles etc. All things that may never happen I know. But things I know intellectually are not always easy to control mentally and emotionally.

Another thing I worry about is where we live. We moved there six years ago and I am still not sure if it is the place for me or if we should move closer to family. I agreed with my psychologist that I would try to live in the moment and not let this thought cloud every day but I am struggling with that at the moment.

[Travelmumma]

Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. They are all things I have tried in the past but will refocus on.

I had a psychologist who I really liked and who helped me a lot but I felt like I wasn’t making enough progress towards managing my panic better ... I just kept relapsing. The psychologist I have seen recently has had lots of good suggestions but I think I need to do lots of work on my own to make a difference.
I think one of my biggest struggles too is letting the anxiety come and go without getting stuck in the loop if I am going to have this forever. I am never going to function, here it comes again etc, etc.

[Not_Batman]

Hi travelmumma.

there is no overnight cure all unfortunately, and it will take time to learn and heal. I had it on another thread that was on the lines of ‘the psychologist will give you a toolkit so to speak, but it is you that has to apply the tools’ and ‘antidepressants are only 10% of the process, the other 90% is your will and your work’

think of it this way. Your mind is a bookcase, that you want to fill it with knowledge and memories. But the book case is in pieces in a flatpack with no instructions. A mess...that mess is your anxiety.

The psychologist is Bunnings (or whatever major hardware retailer). You go in, you get your tools, and timber and hardware, advise for a particular job.

you ask for some advice because you dont have instructions or the right tools. They say ‘sure The instructions are online’ - that is your online course. It helps you to understand the problem, and how to put things together. And they show you what tools you may need. Some of those tools you may already have, they are just in the garden shed because you havent had to use them much.

now you can begin to put the bookshelf together.

the bookshelf could be the simplest thing or the most complex thing to put together. It may go together correctly, or not.

you do need to put in the effort, to reach a desired outcome.

unfortunately, you cant just go out and buy a new bookcase in this analogy.

does that make sense?

try some of the smiling mind things. I have used this, as well as Calm, and headspace.

try not to focus on the past, and try not to focus on what is beyond your control. Fear of the unknown is a burden to our minds that it makes us miss what is right in front of us, here and now.

Not_Batman