I am confused as to who I am or what I want to be and it is making me have bad anxiety

[MisterM]

Hi all,
I am almost 33 years old and have just begun my second year of a four year teaching degree for secondary education along with an arts degree.
I often have doubts as to whether being a teacher is for me.
As I am learning psychology as part of my arts degree and the fact that I find it fun to learn has had me thinking about becoming a clinical psychologist or developmental psychologist but I don't like the fact that it requires years of post graduation study. I also don't know if being a psychologist would be for me. There's things about both careers that scare me and make me anxious.

My true passion is music, I love writing songs, recording demos. I also like visual art. I am an arty type pretty much and not a corporate professional conforming your appearance to the profession type, I have my hair long (the thought of having to cut it short to be either a teacher or psychologist bothers me as I feel better about myself looking how I want to). I hate conforming to societal expectations especially in the workforce when it comes to appearance. I just want to be myself, an artist, doing what an artist does and dresses and wears his hair like he wants to. I have my first teaching placement soon and I am so anxious about it that I cannot focus on my homework.

What's stopping me from just being a musician full time?
Well lately my passion and motivation has died down, especially since I started uni last year I have been working on my craft less and less. My guitars just gather dust.
The fact that I am nearly 33, no chance of making it big time in the industry. The 20s are the best time to be a star musician, not some old guy.
My lack of belief and talent, to be honest I don't like my voice or my guitar skills, I am not that good but enjoy writing. People say they like my songs but I think they say that to be kind and not hurt my feelings.
How will I manage my finances without a 'proper career'.
The fear of my conservative family's reaction if I were to quit uni and just focus on being a musician, especially my mum who is very abusive, bad tempered, critical and ridiculing of me.

I don't know what I want in life and am confused, down and suffering bad anxiety.
I feel like an aimless failure that has no aspirations in life and is so scared of everything.
I did exceptionally well in uni last year, high grades, GPA average of 6 and over but still I am not sure about the direction I am heading.

Just wanted to vent and hope someone can give me some advice.

[graysky]

MisterM,

I don't know if you already are doing this, I thought you could learn psychology for yourself in your spare time. You come across as having this passion for teaching, or just being knowledgeable about a topic like English, Psychology. I know its easy for me to say this but don't let others criticism get to you and take away that passion for psychology you have.

[MisterM]

Hi Graysky,

I really love learning Psychology. Not sure if teaching at secondary schools is. I'd prefer to teach at universities.
I spoke to my uni today and you need a high GPA, I just feel like if I fail I'll end up nowhere.
Torn between teaching and changing to psychology.
Struggled to concentrate at uni today, feel anxious and overwhelmed.

[Guest_1055]

Ah Mister M,

I am sorry you are feeling anxious and overwhelmed. It must feel so dis heartening for you to put in so much effort with your uni studies, like the theory side of things and then struggle with the practical teaching placement. I do feel for you. You know so much learning is done online now, like teachers teach online courses. I wonder if that would be less daunting for you? To be eventually a teacher like that.

I have thought before when you were posting more frequent on BB that you could possibly teach music. I never mentioned it though. I know you have a passion for music.

Hope I have not overwhelmed you more with these suggestions Mister M. And please don't be hard on yourself.

Shelley x

[MisterM]

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for replying and for the suggestions.
I love music but hate the theory haha. So I wouldn't want to teach it.
I wish I could make a decision and stop being indecisive.
I was certain earlier today that I will change to study psychology but now seeing how hard it is and the amount of time I am back to thinking I should stick with teaching.
I just feel so useless at 33 yrs of age. I just want a career like most people.

[Guest_1055]

Oh Mr M, I understand it is a challenge to make decisions isn't it? Even though my circumstances are very different to yours, I still find it a challenge to make a decision. Like do I go this way , or this way? A total lack of direction. And there are so many choices as well. It is mind boggling. Vision is what is needed I think.

I was listening to my sister tell me about her daughter. They are attempting to help her in deciding on what she would like to study next year. So they asked her what is it that she liked to do most ? They also took into consideration what she was naturally good at as well. And her personality also. My niece likes to dress up very smart like, likes to organise family parties and arrange things nicely. She is also has a confidence about her, as well as a leader and can be a bit pleasantly bossy at times. So they are looking into a course in " event planning" for her.

Not sure if that helps you or not. But I think knowing ourselves can help us make a decision or something like that. So I was wondering if you actually know yourself?

Shell

[MisterM]

Hi Shell,
I think that is the problem, I don't. I am a very shy, socially awkward, introverted person yet I choose teaching? Tried for the Police force? Tried real estate? Tried hospitality? Why do I make such stupid choices? Am I unconsciously trying to please my family and society by being something I am not.
I know I am on the artistic side but that won't pay bills.
I am good at visual art and okay at music, not that great.
I booked an appointment with a psychologist at my university for Friday. Students get 6 free hour long sessions.
Just feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. I can't focus at uni. I had a good chat to my lecturer and most people think it would be good for me to withdraw from the unit and just focus on my arts degree units and take time to think it through. I am meeting with the head of honours for psychology at my uni to talk about what I need to get accepted and career pathways within psychology.

Thanks for the post.

[MisterM]

So I have withdrawn from my education units and have applied to transfer to a Psychology degree.
Feeling overwhelmed with the thought of working hard and not getting into postgraduate to become a psychologist