I am confused as to who I am or what I want to be and it is making me have bad anxiety

[MisterM]

Hi all,
I am almost 33 years old and have just begun my second year of a four year teaching degree for secondary education along with an arts degree.
I often have doubts as to whether being a teacher is for me.
As I am learning psychology as part of my arts degree and the fact that I find it fun to learn has had me thinking about becoming a clinical psychologist or developmental psychologist but I don't like the fact that it requires years of post graduation study. I also don't know if being a psychologist would be for me. There's things about both careers that scare me and make me anxious.

My true passion is music, I love writing songs, recording demos. I also like visual art. I am an arty type pretty much and not a corporate professional conforming your appearance to the profession type, I have my hair long (the thought of having to cut it short to be either a teacher or psychologist bothers me as I feel better about myself looking how I want to). I hate conforming to societal expectations especially in the workforce when it comes to appearance. I just want to be myself, an artist, doing what an artist does and dresses and wears his hair like he wants to. I have my first teaching placement soon and I am so anxious about it that I cannot focus on my homework.

What's stopping me from just being a musician full time?
Well lately my passion and motivation has died down, especially since I started uni last year I have been working on my craft less and less. My guitars just gather dust.
The fact that I am nearly 33, no chance of making it big time in the industry. The 20s are the best time to be a star musician, not some old guy.
My lack of belief and talent, to be honest I don't like my voice or my guitar skills, I am not that good but enjoy writing. People say they like my songs but I think they say that to be kind and not hurt my feelings.
How will I manage my finances without a 'proper career'.
The fear of my conservative family's reaction if I were to quit uni and just focus on being a musician, especially my mum who is very abusive, bad tempered, critical and ridiculing of me.

I don't know what I want in life and am confused, down and suffering bad anxiety.
I feel like an aimless failure that has no aspirations in life and is so scared of everything.
I did exceptionally well in uni last year, high grades, GPA average of 6 and over but still I am not sure about the direction I am heading.

Just wanted to vent and hope someone can give me some advice.

[CMF]

I don't think you are making excuses at all. When we have anxiety it is hard to push through as we only focus on negatives and lose confidence because we doubt and question everything.

I totally get the work/austudy/grades/bullying thing. No need to explain, i hear you completely. Concentrate on your study. I think in every post the psychology subject has really been at the forefront. you enjoy it, you get good grades...there is something there...

Facebook..i too see things that get me down. I've recently been trying not to look at it as much and i do feel better for it as i get busy doing other things.

I've probably bombarded you today. I think you need to get onto seeing the school counsellor and addressing your anxiety first and then deal with things one step at a time.

[MisterM]

Hey baby steps.
No, thank you so much.
I just think maybe a career as a psychologist would be less stressful than a teacher.
I've only just started learning how to be a teacher this semester. From what I have read is scaring me. Teachers have so much responsibility, they are not just teachers. I fear not being able to be what a teacher is supposed to.

[Guest_1055]

Hello Mister M,

Ah I remember you....

And I also remember having a brief discussion with you about feeling lost and not knowing which way to go. Like feeling scattered in the head . Do you think you are perhaps feeling the same way now??

You know it is a challenge to make decisions when one is like that. Well....I find it almost impossible. Because there is so many different pathways staring at you. When one is struggling with emotions that are all over the place, anxiety and or depression. It is hard to think clearly.

And when one overthinks and overthinks something, sometimes you brain can get more scattered, more lost. Do you think you might be doing that Mr M?

Have you considered doing things to help clear your brain? Refresh it almost...

Ah maybe you could watch a funny movie, dare yourself to have a icy cold shower,( that surely does invigorate one) exercise, write a funny song and sing it, have a pillow fight, a sock fight ( I have done both of those).

You might be able to think a bit clearer then Mr M.

Also I encourage you to seek after whatever it is that you have a passion for or dream about . If it is music, which I am guessing it is. Then go for it. If you want to help people, have you considered writing songs or play music that will inspire and help others. Sorry if I sound bossy Mister M.....I wasn't quite sure how to word it.

And yeah I know one has to eventually provide for oneself, which you seem to be aiming for in regards to the teaching . I believe in you.

Now my mind is getting scattered and muddled up. And you thread heading rhymes. I have said it aloud a few times now. 🙂

You will get there Mister M Ibelieve in you and you are a nice guy.

shell

[MisterM]

Hi Shell,

Thank you for writing.
Yes I remember you too 🙂

Yeah I am scattered in the head. I tried playing guitar and singing yesterday and that de-stressed me but the stress came back. The fact that I have so much to read this weekend for homework is making it worse.
I wish I could just have one day of my weekend off to work on my music but university stops that from happening.

I take icy cold showers every day. I switched to them a few months ago and find them great.
I was doing yoga twice a week and cardio regularly but I injured my knee a few weeks ago and have been told to not do anything for 2-3 weeks. I can already feel the difference of not being active. Over the summer I was in such a good headspace, I was high on happiness then it has all come crashing down as I have had to confront teaching subjects at uni for the first time and it is scaring me.

Yeah music is my dream but the odds of making it big are very small. There are so many local artists that are undiscovered and way better than me. I just feel down, I just want to be great at something for once.
I don't know what I want in life. I fear graduating then being a teacher and what if it isn't for me and I am miserable and have just wasted another $20k on a degree on top of my previous degree which I am in debt still.

MM

[CMF]

Hey MisterM,

how are you doing? I saw your post on another thread re not being able to make decisions. You've mentioned here your mum being abusive and ridiculing you and your estranged sister laughing at you. Could it be the pressure you feel trying to keep these people impressed that is causing your anxiety? You also mentioned you like visual art which incorporates many different area. Have you considered studying/ teaching this subject?

just some thoughts.

bs

[MisterM]

Hi all,

I've worked hard for the last year and a half at my uni studies and have been getting great grades for all my units.
For the past two weeks I have been on a practicum but have failed to meet the standards set by my uni and the Australian teaching standards.

My supervising teacher has told me today that with only 5 more days left on my practicum she doesn't see how I can do what I need to pass. So pretty much I've worked hard at uni for one and a half years for nothing.

My social anxiety and timid personality is not something I can hide and it has gotten in the way of me forming relationships with students which was a big thing to demonstrate.
I am 33 years old soon and have not been working for like 3 years now and have failed at every career pursuit. Tried the Police force, tried to be an electrician, tried real estate, tried hospitality. I've failed at all of these and am lost now as to where to go in life and feel down and overwhelmed.

As part of my teaching degree I've completed 4 psychology units with HD average so can transfer that to a psychology degree. I wanted to be a psychologist more than a teacher but didn't go with it because I keep getting told by lecturers and tutors at my uni that is very very competitive and you need the highest grades to even make it to honours and masters.

I feel like I won't ever be able to make it, plus having to be at uni for so long. Plus having a mortgage over my head and only managing to pay it off because I live with my parents and have tenants in there and Austudy payments fortnightly. Any longer at uni my savings will run out and will be forced to sell the house. I thought with a teaching degree I'd be done in 4 years and have a job, move in to my place and pay the mortgage. I can't transfer to a different degree now as the cut off date has passed.

Feeling angry, lost, down, confused, overwhelmed, hopeless, useless.

[CMF]

Hi mister m,

So sorry for the late reply.

wow sounds like a lot has happened since we last spoke. I'm sorry to hear things have not worked as you hoped. Do you see a counsellor for your anxiety? If it insetting in the way of you working then you most likely need help to overcome it. I'm not sure how uni works but can you redo parts of your course?

your not hopeless or useless, you just need some help as we all have needed on here. How do you feel about seeing your gp about your anxiety as a start?

cmf

[graysky]

Hi MisterM,

Although I haven't been through what you're having to face now in your life, I have and still do share in those feelings:

"Feeling angry, lost, down, confused, overwhelmed, hopeless, useless."

I can see exactly why you'd feel they way you do. except I don't believe you are hopeless considering how much you have achieved at university. Maybe you feel there is no hope left as the teacher who is either giving you a pass or fail mark is not being accommodating to you as a person, and your personality. Having never study teaching and not knowing anything about it I might be overstepping the line. However it sounds like they could just be brushing away all the skills you have to offer students.
I've had many failed career pursuits. I once had a job I was so bad at they never rostered me on for anymore shifts and I actually had to ring up and ask if I had lost the job. Yes I had. I cried for so long after that. It took me a long time to get over it and rid myself of the humiliation I felt. About several months after this I began my journey into seeing psychologist for my anxiety. And I'm not young either. So being unemployed and basically a failure was really tough.
I have to battle with the evenings before bed when I am haunted about my lack of career success. I try and come on here and see what I can do to take my mind off it. Just do whatever it is that takes your mind off the anxiety, the fears, and worries, and into a healthier and happier place.

[MisterM]

Hey CMF,
Thank you for replying.
I don't see anyone but take medication. I cannot afford the psychologist I used to see, I wish I could. There is 6 free counseling sessions with psychologists at my university which I will look to see (I go back to uni for the new semester this week).
I don't believe it's my mental health, it's just my personality getting in the way.
Having spent 2 weeks at a school I feel as though this is not the career for me.
I can always repeat this particular unit seeing I am probably going to fail it by the way things look.
My nieces were looking up to me studying to be a teacher, letting them down is tough.
Also, the shame and humiliation I will feel when my estranged sister finds out I failed placement and as a consequence, the unit, she's a teacher and she always puts me down and makes me feel like I can't do anything.

[MisterM]

Hi graysky,
Thank you for replying.
I just feel so angry and lost seeing everyone around me in full time jobs having finished their education.
Just feels like I cannot win. I try hard to get into whatever career but it turns to dust. Never having had a girlfriend makes it worse, makes me feel so incompetent at life.
I feel like studying psychology is for me but my uni is not accepting anyone until 2019 apparently. I will speak with someone tomorrow when I am there, I find it hard to believe I cannot just transfer as a current student having already successfully completed 4 units from the psychology degree as part of my arts degree major for my teaching method.

My supervising teacher I feel is being to hard on me. Everything I thought I did right she criticised and I just felt demoralised by the end of the first week. Other student teachers at the school I was at couldn't believe how high the expectations were for me these past 2 weeks. Plus hearing from my uni friends having fun at their placement made me feel so bitterly disappointed to have missed out on such an experience. Despite that, seeing students not caring to learn and just the bad behaviour in the classroom and the school being so strict on expression (as if a bit of white under your school shirt, or socks, or nail polish and hairstyles will affect learning) has turned me off. Plus seeing the content being taught was of no interest to me, I personally wouldn't feel excited to teach year 7 and 8 geography or civics (my methods are psychology and literature/English but not all teachers teach their methods). Last year I was torn between Psychology or teaching but was too scared to go for Psychology due to it being so competitive. I regret it now, wasted money and time.