I am confused as to who I am or what I want to be and it is making me have bad anxiety

[MisterM]

Hi all,
I am almost 33 years old and have just begun my second year of a four year teaching degree for secondary education along with an arts degree.
I often have doubts as to whether being a teacher is for me.
As I am learning psychology as part of my arts degree and the fact that I find it fun to learn has had me thinking about becoming a clinical psychologist or developmental psychologist but I don't like the fact that it requires years of post graduation study. I also don't know if being a psychologist would be for me. There's things about both careers that scare me and make me anxious.

My true passion is music, I love writing songs, recording demos. I also like visual art. I am an arty type pretty much and not a corporate professional conforming your appearance to the profession type, I have my hair long (the thought of having to cut it short to be either a teacher or psychologist bothers me as I feel better about myself looking how I want to). I hate conforming to societal expectations especially in the workforce when it comes to appearance. I just want to be myself, an artist, doing what an artist does and dresses and wears his hair like he wants to. I have my first teaching placement soon and I am so anxious about it that I cannot focus on my homework.

What's stopping me from just being a musician full time?
Well lately my passion and motivation has died down, especially since I started uni last year I have been working on my craft less and less. My guitars just gather dust.
The fact that I am nearly 33, no chance of making it big time in the industry. The 20s are the best time to be a star musician, not some old guy.
My lack of belief and talent, to be honest I don't like my voice or my guitar skills, I am not that good but enjoy writing. People say they like my songs but I think they say that to be kind and not hurt my feelings.
How will I manage my finances without a 'proper career'.
The fear of my conservative family's reaction if I were to quit uni and just focus on being a musician, especially my mum who is very abusive, bad tempered, critical and ridiculing of me.

I don't know what I want in life and am confused, down and suffering bad anxiety.
I feel like an aimless failure that has no aspirations in life and is so scared of everything.
I did exceptionally well in uni last year, high grades, GPA average of 6 and over but still I am not sure about the direction I am heading.

Just wanted to vent and hope someone can give me some advice.

[CMF]

Hi MisterM and welcome,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way but you have come to a great place to vent and seek help, guidance and support from this beautiful community.

I totally get this 'I don't know what I want in life and am confused, down and suffering bad anxiety.
I feel like an aimless failure that has no aspirations in life and is so scared of everything.' I'm a single mum of 3 and have no idea what to do when my little one goes to school next year. Anxiety makes it all the more difficult to make decisions.

I was thinking, have you thought of combining your current study with your passion ie become a music teacher or alternatively use your skill as a musician for music therapy for people who suffer mental illness? If you do some research you may find that music doesn't have to be just about making recording songs and making albums. The fact that you are studying teaching and psychology tells me that you have an interest in helping people. I have a teenage daughter who is artistic and creative but when she tells people she wants to become and artist people laugh at her and tell her she needs 'real job' which is disappointing.I have suggested teaching to her as i do believe that if you are keen on something that may be hard to earn a living from then you should continue with your passion and incorporate it into something else and look for other ways to follow your passion.

Hope this helps somewhat, keep posting. we are here to help.

Baby Steps

[MisterM]

Thank you for your kind reply Baby Steps.

To be honest I have never been interested in being a music teacher or therapist.
I hate the theory side of music, I have never been keen on it. I am self-taught.
Plus, to teaching music I'd need to do further studies in music (8 units of study).

As for my songwriting, I often think what the hell is the point to this as I play guitar and record. Yeah it makes me happy and excited in the short term but that fades to disappointment that noone listened.
I post demos online and noone cares to even listen (as can be seen by the zero plays stats on a popular sound sharing platform online) and none of my facebook friends even listen when I post links to my songs up.
I used to play regularly at open mic nights but I find it is pointless too other than getting some experience in performing live using a mic. Most people at these events don't even care, even fellow musicians. They all go outside to smoke or talk at the bar then they clap after each artist finishes a song as if they paid attention. It gets you nowhere in terms of exposure. I know people that run these open mics and it is always the same artists who perform multiple times a week.

Most artists get told to get a real job. It is sad. Yet these people like listening to music, who will create what they love to play in their car or home if artists don't produce full time.

Forgot to add in my first post that I dread and hate workplace interactions with coworkers, I am so socially awkward, I just want to be alone, do my work and go home. I hate work parties and mingling as I don't ever feel comfortable in my own skin and don't do short talk well.

I chose teaching because I hated the corporate world, I want something to help people, something that is noble.
I don't handle stress well at work and it impacts my emotions. I have until 31st of March to withdraw from my teaching units if I want to just finish off my arts degree units. But I feel at 33 I have no time to waste at uni by starting again as I need to earn a full time income.

I have my first placement at a college next week, I guess that will either put me off or make me stay with teaching.
My friend's partner knew someone at uni who freaked out at teaching placement and quit her degree. I am only observing for 5 days but still I think it will give me an idea what to expect.

Having said all that, it can be said my medication hasn't solved all my issues.
It's just made things normal for longer between.

[MisterM]

To add to the above,
Another reason that is holding me back is that you need to achieve a high grade average in undergraduate to advance to honours and masters. I am scared of not making it and therefore having wasted years doing psychology.
Plus when I told my brother in law I want to do psychology he thought I may want to study it in order to fix myself. This is not why I'd want to study psychology, it is to help people. It just put me off, the opinion of my family members affect me greatly and stop me from going for what I want.
I am not even sure I want it, I don't know if I could handle listening to everyone's problems all day long when I have my own.

[CMF]

Hi MisterM,

It is tough when other people's opinions matter so much to us. I too would love to study psychology or work as a social worker/counsellor however it was pointed out to me that i may struggle as i suffer anxiety and listening to others' problems could make this worse. I thought differently. I think that having experienced anxiety would make me more caring towards others as i would understand their anguish. It does sound as though you are doing things to please others or have their approval. You may need to take a step back and really focus on what you want. I would do the teaching placement and see how it makes you feel, see how it sits with you. You clearly want to do something where you are helping others and you are doing well at uni. You could finish your degree but work in a different teaching field or complete a certificate iv in training and assessment. I did this years ago and worked in a call centre training new staff. With the certificate iv you would still be teaching but not in as formal an environment as a school. Have you spoken with a careers advisor at uni re your options and pathways if you do change?

baby steps

[MisterM]

Hi baby steps,
Nah haven't spoken to anyone at uni. I am thinking of seeing a counselor at uni to help me with my anxiety and doubts. I was actually enjoying being back at uni these past 2 weeks. It's just reading all that teachers are meant to do in my text books that has me thinking "no way can I do this".
I am so confused I don't know what I want.
As I said earlier I find psychology so fascinating to study. Apart from the years of extra study involved and the competitive nature of the field, I don't know if it would be good for my own health to listen to others problems.
Also, I cannot justify making people pay $200 per session to see me, I understand that is the industry standard.

I feel if I drop out it may be a big mistake. I tried desperately to withdraw from a statistics unit for psychology last semester and couldn't. Ended up getting a HD for the unit. My anxiety makes me make or attempt to make rash decisions. As you said, I think I should just see how my placement goes even though all I will be doing is observing and not teaching. I will look like an idiot if I drop out as I've chopped and changed so many times in the past number of years. My estranged sister must be laughing at me. I tried careers in corporate, police, real estate, electrician, cafe work and have not been recruited, dropped out or been fired from these careers.
I am aimless in life, maybe it's because nothing suits me other than being an artist, even though I suck at it.
I can't even think of lyrics to songs right now.

Why can't I just find something I love and do well at it.
It's like there is nothing I want to do in life, not even what I am okay at (music).
I feel like a burn out.

[CMF]

I hear what you are saying but it's your anxiety talking, not you. Your anxiety is making you think you can't do it.

Firstly, see someone re your anxiety. This is affecting the way you think and feel atm. Try and get this under control, it will take time but you need go start.

Continue with the psychology study. Who says you have to charge $200 per session. If you do decide to pursue this path you can work in many fields.

You are clearly a very intelligent person from the grades you are getting. accept that and go with it.

Forget about what your estranged sister thinks. Her opinion does not matter. What she thinks is her problem and a result of her own insecurities.

I think it's good you have tried different careers. Everything you try that is not for you puts you on a path towards what is right. If you don't try you won't know. At least you had the guts to try kudos to you.

Do you work part time at all? Perhaps you could work part time in a music orientated environment whilst you study so you are around something you enjoy.

I would get onto seeing a counselor re the anxiety as i believe everything you are feeling stems from this. It clouds our judgement, puts us in a negative frame of mind and stops us taking action.

I understand you feel burnt out but there are many positives in you post. Let's tackle this anxiety and see how it goes from there.

[MisterM]

Thanks Baby Steps.
I am unemployed, have been for a long time.
I can't afford a psychologist every week/fortnight so the uni counseling team will have to do. I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to see how my medication has been over the past year since I last saw him. Everything was going not bad, just this weekend it has hit me.
I get down on myself for not being a great singer and songwriter, I look at the legends and it gets me feeling sad that I can't get to that level after years of playing. It's the only thing I enjoy. I played guitar this morning and it helped me feel better temporarily.

I just feel at nearly 33 I am a failure. How can I be a psychologist or teacher when I feel like this?
Everyone around me is in relationships or announcing they are in a relationship online yet I have never had a girlfriend. I am a failure in everything.
The medication has helped as I generally more stable but I get periods from time to time.
I am so indecisive with everything.

[CMF]

Hey there, I'm glad that you keep posting back and opening up more about how you feel. I'm going to tackle your points one by one.

I am unemployed, have been for a long time

How do you feel about looking for part time work? It would give you a break from study and give you some independance.

I can't afford a psychologist every week/fortnight so the uni counseling team will have to do. I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago to see how my medication has been over the past year since I last saw him. Everything was going not bad, just this weekend it has hit me.

The school counselor is a good start. Make it a goal to get an appointment and get the ball rolling on that. This weekend hasn't been good but we do hit bumps in the road. It's good that you came here it's a step in wanting to seek help.

I get down on myself for not being a great singer and songwriter, I look at the legends and it gets me feeling sad that I can't get to that level after years of playing. It's the only thing I enjoy. I played guitar this morning and it helped me feel better temporarily.

Look at the positive here, It's a lot more than i can do and its a great outlet to have. I want you to google 'Guitar meetups' or 'songwriters workshop meetup'. You can join groups with people of the same interests and jam or get together and enjoy what you all have in common. It's a great way to meet new people and having a common interest makes that little bit easier, no struggling with small talk etc.

I just feel at nearly 33 I am a failure. How can I be a psychologist or teacher when I feel like this?
Everyone around me is in relationships or announcing they are in a relationship online yet I have never had a girlfriend. I am a failure in everything.

You're 33. Who put the time limit on when you need to do things by? You are not a failure, your anxiety is making you feel this way. Maybe take a break from social media. It can be depressing to see what everyone else is doing and comparing ourselves to them. Everyone's journey is different, you don't need to keep up with anyone. Who knows, you could meet a girl at one of the music meetup sessions.

The medication has helped as I generally more stable but I get periods from time to time.
I am so indecisive with everything.

We all have ups and downs, it's part of the journey. Anxiety makes you indecisive, you need to get onto that.

Let me know how you go with googling the meetup group. Just look into it and see what you think.

[MisterM]

Hi Baby Steps,

Thank you for taking the time in addressing my issues. Appreciate it.
The psychologist I used to see a number of years ago suggested the meetup sites to make friends. I find it so hard to meet random people and open up.
I had a look at a songwriting group you suggested and found it is run by a guy, he seems to run these workshops to critique songwriting to make it more marketable. Music is so subjective that his opinion may be totally different to that of someone else. My friends have said they like my songs and random artist I don't know personally. Hard to know if it is just them being kind and encouraging or genuine.

I keep thinking of finding part time work but that may affect my aus study payments. Plus I never have time for myself during the semester with all the reading and assessments as it is without a job. My grades will be affected if I work. Everyone I know at uni manages mediocre grades as they work part time. I could work and just get P's or C's at best but I aim for HD's especially with my psychology units as you need a high GPA to get accepted into postgrad. Plus I am sick of bullying, there has not been one workplace where I was not bullied. Not sure how likely a 33 yr old will get a job in retail, they want youngsters to pay them less.

Yeah I am addicted to facebook, I try abstain but end up scrolling down my news feed.
A girl I asked out at uni last year announced that she is now in a relationship.
My heart is broke. I thought there was something there.

Sounds like I am making excuses I know.