How to deal with family giving you anxiety

[mel_0727]

I am currently in Australia with my husband. My brother wants to come here to study. My mother in law wants to move in with us. My dad is overseas and causes fights with my mum and neighbours for past grudges. My mum nags all day which irritates the 4 of us. I feel I need to fix all of this, but don’t know how and this is driving crazy. My heart rate increases n have anxiety. Any suggestions on how to cope ? 

[geoff]

Hello Mel, if your MIL wants to move in with you, then you would be creating another problem on top of everything else, the only way to handle this is to decide whether or not for your brother to move in, but only if he won't dominate, secondly to find somewhere else for your MIL to stay and avoid contact with your mother and your dad, because if you allow this then it's going to cause you to continually have problems.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It is difficult to advise directly on topics that only you can make decision on. However, if such problems effect your mental health then certainly action is required of your choosing.

My mother was a "nagger" as you put it and used things like manipulation and triangulation between family members to cause an enormous amount of destruction. Twelve years ago when I was 55yo I, and my sister finally put a stop to it and wished we had a few decades earlier. 

Since then I've come to the conclusion the following-

• That "family" can be non blood people with the compatibility and care you wished for in your blood family
• That changes in your life that are seen as radical can result in a greater quality of life
• That changes you make are your decisions and you should not feel guilty about them especially if they effect your health. 
• That other people, if they desire to keep you as a family member or friend should realise that it takes effort and not have the expectation because you are family obligations are that you cant leave them
• That boundaries are good.

My wife and I had her mother living with us for 8 months before a aged care vacancy came up. We loved her (dec) but seriously, it rarely works. 

Fight between others- stipulate to your father and other that you want no part in their squabbles. Make it a rule.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK