How do I help my friend with their body issues?

[TheGrinchWearingAMask]

Hello all,

I saw that this category of thread discusses eating disorders. (forgive me if I am wrong) Anyways here I go¬

For a little while now, my friend has been experiencing a lot of self -loathing relating to their appearance, in particular their weight. They have confided in me their feelings, their obsessiveness with keeping count of calories and have scratched the surface along the lines of starving themselves/vomiting up their food. Though they haven't been overly descriptive of their experience, I'm certain that I have a clear idea of what they have been struggling with.

Every time this person confides in me I try to do things that have been recommended to me on the internet. I'm aware I'm not a professional, and I'm not trying to be one when it comes to peoples struggles. I just want to be able to support my friend the best way I can, because I don't want them to feel alone in this, and I'm worried if I say the wrong thing it will cause them to suffer more.

From the internet I have been

¬ avoiding talking about their body, and focusing more on their feelings at the time

¬ always recommending talking to a specialist about their problems (if they are comfortable enough)

¬ reminding them that they have a lot of people supporting them (including me), that will be there for them to talk to and rely on (mainly that they aren't alone in this)

¬ telling them that getting help early is the best option, but to take each day at their own pace and that nobody is forcing them to do anything

Though I think these techniques has helped me talk them through this a bit, I feel as though I'm not doing enough. I know it is not my place to be a professional or anything along those lines, but I would love some advice on how to talk to them about it in a way that will positively impact them. To remind them that they aren't alone, and they have friends who want/can to support them.

(Since some of the talks I think they may have gone to a professional and talked about it, so I'm really happy about that for them, even if it only helped a little. They are an amazing person who deserves the best, and it would be great for them to live life to the fullest)

Thanks for any reply's, I really would appreciate any help for my friend.

[Peppermintbach]

Hello,

You sound like an absolutely wonderful friend and s/he is very fortunate to have you in his/her life. I think you’re incredibly supportive and compassionate...you’ve even done some of your own research. That’s a true friend there...

I’m very pleased to hear your friend has started seeking help. I think the suggestions that you’ve found online are fantastic...

I would suggest, if you have not already and are interested, looking up The Butterfly Foundation online. They are a renowned Australian not-for-profit organisation that specialises in body image issues, including eating disorders.

They offer a range of services including a national helpline, support groups, treatment groups, etc. It’s up to you, but I feel it might be worthwhile for you to look them up (and maybe you could also mention The Butterfly Foundation to your friend as well) 🙂

If you want to/feel comfortable doing so, you could even call their helpline for more specific advice on supporting your friend. It’s just a gentle suggestion and you can decide if you like my idea or not...

I hope this helps a little. As I said, I think your friend is very lucky to have you. I hope you’re also remembering to take care of yourself too as it can take a lot out of a person to support someone else 🙂

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[MsPurple]

Hi TheGrinchWearingAMask and welcome to the BB peer support forums 🙂

You sound like an incredible, non-judgemental friend, who just wants what is best for their friend. It is great to see people like you come here for advice.

I myself have struggled with various eating disorders (lets say ED for short). Some of ED I am more open about (e.g. anorexia as I couldn't really hide that) but others I am not. Sounds like they are not too open about their issues and it is really good they have tried to open up to someone such as yourself. It is a step in the right direction. A step that they know what they are doing isn't quite right and by them talking to you it is a step showing they want to get better or at least not have these feelings about themselves and this urge to give in to ED habits.

Peppermint is right on the money with the butterfly foundation. They have great resources and advice to help you as a supportive friend. You can also suggest your friend check out their website also. They also have a chat line (has limited times) so you can ask direct questions to them also. I have chatted to them online and found them helpful also

As you said you are not a professional. You can only do your best. Try not put too much pressure on yourself. What you are doing is enough. People with ED recovery or seek help at their own pace/time (note sometimes medical intervention is needed is severe) so being patient is key.

[ruhroh]

You sound like a wonderful, wholehearted friend 🙂 you're honestly doing an amazing job - just being there with them is an amazing job in itself as having an ED often leads to various social and emotional probs which can easily get in the way of relationships with others.

It's a really hard line to walk, not nagging them to eat or being judgemental, but also not being entirely complacent with how they're treating themselves because when it comes down to it, it is not ok to treat anyone in such a cruel, harsh way - and ones-self is never an exception to this - everyone has a right (I'd say duty) to self-care. And from my experience, having an ED is essentially a type of toxic relationship - although you might think your friend should to 'break up' as it were, you also need to be sensitive to the fact they might still be very much in love.

Unfortunately our society is crap in regards to body positivity and diversity, hate to say it but deleting some apps can help. Just questioning concepts about why they think they have to follow their rules often exposes the illogical nature of the ED thoughts which can be pretty powerful.

When I was asked by a friend how they could help me - i honestly did not know what to say, because i really don't know how they could help. But I do know that, for me, just engaging with or having friends was, and still is, a HUGE motivator towards full recovery. So my advice would be; just keep being you, you're doing an amazing job!

With that said though, make sure to take care of yourself and don't expect yourself to 'carry' them as well as yourself because it just won't work, you'll run out of gas soon enough and you gotta be a good friend to yourself before you can be a good friend to anyone else. And hey, by you showing yourself self-care you're setting an example for your friend to do the same, which is really really important (especially when often the ED will utterly deny that you deserve it, making everything into a question of 'deserving' and when someone has low self-esteem its likely they'll think they are undeserving). Showing self care is essentially showing them that it is ok, even normal, to treat yourself lovingly and with respect (a message that ain't shown much, esp on social media).

Very, very importantly - You cannot :

- change someone's beleifs

- read minds

- become superhuman

- fix everything

so please, please DO NOT beat yourself up if you cannot 'solve the problem' - it ain't ur job and it's impossible.