How do I deal with social anxiety when dating?

[Pureison]

Hi. I’m 26 year old female and I never had a relationship. I’ve always wanted one and people have often asked me why I don’t have one yet. All through high school boys have made fun of me for liking them, and since then I’ve been terrified of dating, or meeting a cute guy or talking to them. I’ve tried tinder and that didn’t go well at all because whenever they did show interest I would just say no or would get too scared to say yes and make up an excuse because I’ve never been on a date before. I’ve even had guys on there asking inappropriate things which didn’t help either. I’m not sure if this is classed as social anxiety, but I do know that I get so nervous even just by texting a guy and trying to get to know him. The thought of dating makes my heart race and I get nervous even when I’m not talking to anyone or I worry about what I would say to my parents or family about meeting someone new. I want to get over this,so I can meet someone. It would be helpful if someone could give advice on how to cope with social anxiety when dating?

[Guest_623]

I'm a long way from 26, and there was no facebook or social ways to keep in touch with people back then. Didn't even have a phone so when people drifted away that was that, and you simply didn't meet anyone either. And you don't go out because that's weird when it's just you, so it gets worse and popular people don't understand.

Anyway, I've used the dating sites, on and off for years with one difference. I make it clear I'm not after anything but to make new friends and chat to new people. The idea being, there are no expectations from day 1, you can slip away just as easily as keep the chat going. I figured the basis of any relationship is to build a friendship first, but most don't want that these days, they expect and instant relationship or go away.

I've also found a few other interesting things out of it. I'd have contact from ladies not remotely local, interstate, or too far away to consider anything. And yet these are the ones that like to really chat and get to know you, at least what you yet them know. Apparently with the amount of creeps out there, the distance allows them, to drop their guard since you aren't going to stalk them or call by. It also becomes clear that some are just the types I'd meet up for a chat and a coffee if local, but they aren't. I have not had anything similar from anyone in the local area.

So regardless of your actual intentions, or at least long term ones, tell them you aren't after anything beyond getting to know new people, don't give out your number unless you feel they won't abuse it. If you plan to meet up, keep it low-key, perhaps lunch during daytime and have an excuse why you have to go again after if you need to escape. If they are something more later they will understand, and appreciate it much more than the types who are on several dates a week and can't recall where they slept.

But anyway, I'm not sure that is advice or just further ideas to ignore. I've nothing but terrible results, haven't met anyone in person in 6 years or chatted to anyone locally. I am now too old and broken to look anymore, it becomes very clear when no one is looking for you in return, and you see some utter trash at the shops and cafes that one can only assume are higher up the scale, and that makes it clear that it's time to move on.

 Good luck in your quest.

[Pureison]

Dear Wallington, Thank you for your response to my post.

I am so sorry to hear about your unfortunate events that has happened to you in regards to relationships, I can't imagine how upsetting and lonely it must be. Don't give up hope yet though! I'm sure your day will come when you will meet someone special. You are never too old for a relationship, love is for everyone young and the young at heart, it'll happen to you I'm sure of it. Have you ever tried plenty of fish? My friends mentioned that to me, and someone else has mentioned that to me and they believe it's a really good site to meet someone and have a relationship out of it.

As for me, my friend had actually mentioned the part about a backup plan or like an escape thing, and even just a simple meet up, but again the thought of that makes me way too nervous, like I have so many questions or 'what if's' and I just end up wanting to hide, which I know won't help at all in terms of looking for someone. I just can't seem to get it out of my head, and relax when it comes to dating. Since I've never been on dates, I never know for sure what to expect and I get high hopes and then just end up over thinking everything.

[Guest_623]

Absolutely. I'm not sure what the ladies' interpretation of POF is but for guys it's a bombardment of fake adds and spam profiles. I tried it not long ago, again, to see just who was local as I have no intention of anything beyond chatting, nope, it was terrible. Deleted the app 10 min after I'd opened it.

Tinder is different, but it's also free. I don't believe that's the best way to meet people who are serious about anything but if that's where the masses go, you have to follow. It has the reputation as a hook-up app, I don't know about that, all I know is that there's hundreds of profiles of people who never match or reply. I'm not sure who is hooking up or how many years between it happens, but by that stage you aren't even considering that, rather that someone out there has shown interest in return. When it's hard to get that far, why throw it away. Seems plenty do. And it ruins it for the rest.

And yes, you can definitely be too old, or too far gone.