House hunting in the grips of anxiety

[StillKicking]

I've been fighting depression for 33 years, with added social anxiety for the last 20 odd years, with all their ups and downs, and I'm still kicking. 🙂 General anxiety decided to pay a visit about 5 years ago and I can't get it to leave. I feel trapped, and as I get older I realise how ill equipped I am to deal with life in general. I have a number of diagnoses as well as physical disabilities, but things have been better before and I know they'll get better again.

Although I've been renting for 30 years, it's no longer an option. Quarterly inspections where I'm chided for pre-existing issues have rendered me in fear of everything in the house. It's hard enough having someone come through my house, but when they criticise progress that I'm really proud of it sends me the message that no matter how hard I try, I'm a failure on the most basic level, and makes everything that much harder to face because it's no longer a source of pride but a source of shame.

But I've been generously offered the opportunity for a private loan to purchase my own property. As a disability pensioner I thought home ownership was something I'd never experience, and this would be a way out of the 3 monthly anxiety cycle that renders me incapable of doing anything but curling up in a tight ball and crying for weeks around the inspection date and trampled all over what little self esteem i had left. The problem is now the actuality of buying my own house while I have paralysing anxiety, and I know how easily I trust people and can be taken advantage of. The whole process is overwhelming. I can raise more money to get a house that's not a total wreck by putting in a TPD claim but even this is too difficult, and i want to get out now. I really just want to be left alone. I've never had problems like this renting, and buying a house right now when i have to take two late teens into consideration makes it so much more difficult, as I know when they leave the house will be too much for me.

If anyone can give me any guidance it would be much appreciated. Buying a first home is a mystery in itself. I have to change my circumstances to salvage some pride and move forward. Only I can do it, and my sons deserve better. They've already lost their dad. I'm sure I'm not alone in this situation and could just use a little support. My elder son also has anxiety and severe depression and I need to set a better example for him.

[Books1066]

Hi,

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I too am a disability pensioner. When I got divorced my parents were concerned for my future. My mental health is such that I can work sometimes and years go by where I can't leave the house. They were concerned about how renting would effect my mental health so I had a generous settlement from the house my husband and I had as he felt so guilty for leaving! My parents then gave me the money I would have eventually inherited from their estate. I understand I am very fortunate to be in this position but the point I want to make is if you have the opportunity now to own your home do it. Buying a home is stressful for anyone but if you can push through this with some support it will be the best thing you can do fo yourself and your children. You can do this and you won't regret it. All the best.

[StillKicking]

Thank you so much Books1066. I'm incredibly amazed that I made an offer on a house today. Just the realisation that it was the depression and anxiety that was in control of my life, was enough to spur me on to get that control back. In only a few days I've performed miracles.

I've been only going to open houses before I posted this because it was all I could manage, and i was totally overwhelmed. I was exhausted and telling myself that I was the only one who could change my circumstances, and I had this wonderful gift to do it, but I'd never be able to do it.

After finding myself wanting to buy a house purely because it was in my price range and not falling down, I was feeling helpless and trapped in my circumstances and didn't know where to turn. I don't know what led me here, but posting here led to me asking my mother for advice about some houses I'd considered but had to make an appointment to see. Last week I was paralysed by the fear of having to call an estate agent and I'd never escape the cycle. Sunday was spent analysing the reasons I was depressed and working out steps I could take. On Monday I managed to email a couple but couldn't answer the phone when someone tried to get back to me. On Tuesday I made a couple of appointments when my mum said she could come to a few with me. Yesterday, with renewed confidence from challenging my self-talk, and having my mother there, I felt like my decisions were validated. I didn't panic or make any hasty decisions, I waited to look at another house today.

Today I woke up feeling anxious, but kept dismissing the negative thoughts and it was getting easier. I worked out where the anxiety was coming from (I was having reservations about the house i was to look at today) and decided that if i had anxiety about a house before i looked at it, it probably wasn't the right house for me and felt better after i cancelled. It was with trepidation that i rang my mother to tell her i wanted to put in an offer on a house i saw yesterday and an offer has been made. i have to sign it and put a deposit down tomorrow, but even if it's not accepted, I'm stoked at what i've done and I now have confidence to continue. We're going to escape this cycle, and it's so exciting that we're on our way to our future.

Thank you all just for listening. The confusion and lack of self-confidence made it an impossible task, but getting the courage to ask for help made all the difference.

[StillKicking]

I had a set back today. Apparently I not only don't mop or vacuum the floors before my routine inspection, it's worthy of a notice of breach and reinspection.

My reaction to each inspection and letter telling me my housework isn't done (when it is) is one of retreat until i can face their feedback, then confusion because I don't understand what they mean. My son read me the letter telling me i hadn't done the floors again, but didn't mention that there was a notice of breach and they'd be back to reinspect. They returned today and this time I'll admit the floors were dirty. At least I got to ask them what they're talking about because i sweep, vacuum, mop and then steam mop the floor before their visit and i thought they were talking about the dirty grout that came with the house. They insist my floor is dirty and I'm going totally insane because there's something wrong with me that I think the floor i cleaned 4 times is clean. They tell me I haven't vacuumed each time too, so I'm going to have to have a word with dyson because despite the cylinder showing i got heaps of dust etc, it doesn't seem to be working. I'm at a total loss. I feel like I've totally lost control again because now we're threatened with eviction. The offer hasn't yet been accepted, and with a 60-75 day settlement, if they do accept now we'll be stuck with nowhere to live for 2 months.

I don't understand. And I constantly question how I can not notice the floor is dirty and feel helpless. So now it's all out of my hands because if the sellers accept my offer I'm committed to it or i'll lose my deposit. And if they don't I'm potentially homeless unless i can find somewhere else to live and move very quickly, with a big black mark on my record.

I wish i took photos of my allegedly dirty floors on the day of the inspection so i had proof. I feel like they're gaslighting me and I've totally lost the plot.

I'm really trying to keep challenging my self-talk, but it's hard to challenge when i have the threat of eviction to prove I've a failure. How can i not notice the floors I cleaned are dirty? Why would they say they are if they're not? It must be me. I'm also trying to stop overreacting about the eviction. They said they'd talk to the owner and let them know i had plans in place and be moving at the end of the lease in 2 months and get back to me. But I can't stop questioning my judgement when the evidence shows i'm blind to dirty floors.