HIV Anxiety / Regret Anxiety

[TomC]

Hi, really hoping someone might be able to support me.
Last year i had a little too much to drink, and did something i totally regret and am extremely embrassed about. I paid for time with a female SW. I am a married father of two, and this is the first time (and last) i've ever done something silly.
I immediately suffered anxiety over numerous potential STD related issues. I worked with my supporters and doctors and recieved the necessary care and testing. HIV was the my concern, as my anxiety told me this is the end if positive. I waited till nearly 6 months post to have the test, was Negative. I immediately moved on from this, and started my recovery. Unfortunately i remained vigilant of the subject, and recently read an article that said a new strain of the virus had been discovered. This immediately started the anxiety pathway again. My anxiety is once again trying find ways of making me not believe the earlier negative result. I have the word and actions consitantly present in my thoughts, and once again i'm heading towards not believing anything i had done last year.
Is this common, has anyone experienced this? Any advice?
Many Thanks in advance

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Tom,

I feel for you. I can imagine your stress and worry. What a relief when your results showed up negative...

It sounds as though that article you read has triggered an anxiety spiral though. I sense your feelings of alarm and fear...

But I also think it’s understandable, because as you’re already hyper vigilant, you’re (understandably) particularly attuned and sensitive to any related information...

I suppose maybe now is about learning how to process those anxious emotions, and to find healthy ways to manage your anxiety. So I wonder if you have maybe considered seeing your GP about your anxious thoughts for support, referrals and possibly to discuss a mental health care plan (if she or he deems it appropriate). I wonder, is that something you would feel comfortable or feel open to doing?

Otherwise, there’s also a thread here on the beyondblue forums that you might be interested in. While it’s not specific to HIV related anxiety, it has general tips to manage anxiety that you still might find helpful.

That thread is called self help tips for managing anxiety. If you’re interested, I think the easiest way to find it is to simply type the whole thread name in the beyondblue search bar 🙂

I hope this gives you some ideas. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The stress and anxiety must feel so draining.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[TomC]

Hi Pepper, thankyou for reply and taking the time to care.
I have asked for help, and explored the mental health plan options in pass year. The assistance, guideance and help has been extremely valuable in learning and understanding why, how and what my anxiety is doing. In saying this i still struggle with a basic negative thought channel, one that had been answered, one that is silly in its concept and reality. Negative is Negative, how do i accept this and move on. Forgive myself and move on

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Tom,

It’s good to hear from you again. I’m glad you’ve explored the mental health care plan in the past. You clearly learnt a lot of anxiety management strategies through that, which I think is great.

I think the thing is fear and worries aren’t always based on facts and “reasoning.” I think we can logically know something is untrue, but still fear it....fear can be very powerful...

I think accepting your negative results might just take a bit more time, and perhaps working on understanding your own emotions a little more might help too...

I wonder...do you think maybe there are some unprocessed emotions that might be driving/contributing towards your refusal to accept the test outcome?

For example, I know you mentioned that part of your struggle is maybe you need to work more on self forgiveness. So maybe it would help to explore what emotions are impeding your self forgiveness...

Sorry, I’m not sure if my comments are helpful or not. But I thought that it might help to discuss it from different angles...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Is_every_name_taken_]

Hi Tom

I've been going through a very similar situation so interested to see how you're travelling now. I've had about 10 tests, the last of which was 6 months after the encounter with the sex worker. During that time I've had extremely high anxiety, including 3 panic attacks where I nearly passed out. It's been the worst 6 months of my life, by far.

The consistent advice I've received from experts is that my negative tests are conclusive and I should learn from this and get on with my life. Because of that I've tried to keep it together even though I'm having a full on private crisis. Kind of faking it til I make it, or don't. I've only just started to believe I might get through this, on my good days anyway. On my bad days I'm hyper vigilant about any changes in my health and constantly googling, or wrestling with an urge to Google symptoms. I've had minor health issues for months which my anxiety tries to convince could be HIV. My logical brain tries to tell me that doesn't make sense and I should listen to my doctor, but the anxiety is too strong.

Strategies that have helped me are as follows -

Get counselling from sexual health experts and psychologists.

There is SO much outdated, inconsistent rubbish on Google. Even stuff that's trying to be helpful can actually lead to terrifying doubts coming back. Like I read something saying a negative test is 99% accurate.. so there's a 1% chance it's inaccurate and I have HIV?? Of course that's multiplied by the extremely low risk of having contracted the virus in the first place, meaning the real risk is orders of magnitude less than 1% but the websites don't explain that clearly.