Hi, I'm new and need help overcoming my growing anxiety

[Yonderly]

I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety in the past but I fear that it has gotten worse the more I go on with life. I feel like what triggered it unfortunately was the passing of my mum due to cancer during a time of my beginnings of 'growing up'. I'm turning 20 this year but it feels like I am repeating the same year my mum passed away. I was in Year 12 and was told to focus on my studies for my future, but how was I supposed to when my future wouldn't have my mum in it? I was in denial through the whole time until her death.

I didn't mean to but my depression and anxiety took the turn for the worst and I attempted one time during her journey of trying to overcome it. I was so ashamed that I couldn't face her and maybe that's why I was in denial, why would I do that when she is the one actually suffering? Part of me is saying that it's because I wanted it to be me. She was so young, she had so much goals to reach... She was the only person during the hardest times of my life that I felt comfort. It wasn't her fault but it just opened up a new fear in me, of falling in love. It's funny cause I am in a relationship with a person so understanding, patient and caring. But the thoughts linger of losing him, or he could do better than someone like me. I have so much baggage that he doesn't need to deal with. It's bad enough I have an increasing social anxiety that is affecting my relationship with my partner, family and friends. But also, I feel like I have this compulsive behaviour to do certain things cause in my mind it makes sense? (like a comfort or it will give me a 'good day tomorrow'). For example, before I sleep I always make sure I have the brightness down on my laptop, an exact number of volume (6 taps always) of the music I always need to keep the voices or thoughts away. If I don't do that I get anxious.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Yonderly

Reading your post was hard, my heart aches for you. You are so young to have experienced such pain and illness.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mum. I can understand how deeply her suffering and ultimately her death impacted you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. I say this as a mum of a 22 year old who has severe anxiety and OCD—in other words, I get it. I understand the bond you shared with Mum, I understand anxiety and I understand your experience of grief. It’s okay sweet girl.

You mentioned that you have received a professional diagnosis in the past but I’m wondering if you are currently receiving professional help. I think it would be really beneficial for you right now.

Intrusive thoughts and voices can be really tricky to manage on your own. And there is always a risk that they will grow louder and become more demanding.

I’m not a doctor, just a mum with a child who battles these types of thoughts, and I’m concerned about you. I also know that with the right treatment it can get better for you. That’s why I think it’s important to seek professional help now.

Does this make sense to you? Do you have a good GP or mental health practitioner to talk to? No pressure to answer here but I am happy to keep talking with you and others from our community will try to help too.

Kind thoughts to you