Health anxiety, a long lonely road

pete62 · ‎26-02-2014

HI All that read this, although I have posted on another thread, I hope posting on here may help others, I know for me it feels good to get things out of my head and share with others, I have worked in the emergency services for 24 years and have finally realized that things aren't so great and I am struggling with work, over the past years I seem to have developed a severe case of Health anxiety to the point where it cripples me at times and I feel I don't want to leave the house, I have gotten to the stage where I think every ache pain or feeling I have is life threatening and maybe I have an incurable or lingering disease such as cancer or something, even writing the word sends shivers own my spine, I have been seeing health professionals for sometime now and have been on different types of medication that have worked but by no means has any of them been a magic cure, my sleep patterns were terrible so I now take medication to remedy that although I dream vividly and find morning comes way too quick and then when I wake those intrusive thoughts are there again and so the day starts all over again, I realize in myself that I am obsessive and also compulsive and a perfectionist but this does nothing in my mind to help me through my anxiety, I find going to see the Doctor an anxiety attack in itself and cant stand the thought of tests or the like as waiting for results would be days of super high anxiety, I find I need constant reassurance that I have nothing wrong with me, late last year I ended up at hospital feeling very anxious and unwell and had a heap of tests etc only to find nothing was wrong but still I go on thinking the worst, I try to break the cycle with positive thinking but find that for me it does not always work and so I sink back into depression knowing that this anxiety has a strong hold of me and so the vicious cycle continues, as soon as I feel anxiety building an icy hand goes up the back of my neck and I feel nauseous and unwell ,I suffer acid and bloating in the stomach and then cant eat so I begin to lose weight and immediately imagine the worst again and again the cycle continues, I know what is happening but somehow feel powerless to stop it, the things I find happening to my body when I have an anxiety attack, which by the way lasts days at times, is bad enough in itself, I sweat , I feel sick I have aches and pains and any other usual aches or pains etc become magnified tenfold, I think in the end I am aware of what is going on and that is a small comfort but not a magic cure, I know I need to exercise and keep busy but again that at times seems impossible to do and so it goes on, at times I feel I cant go on feeling like this and I contemplate the alternative but again for the love of my family and those around me I will battle this and keep going, I am hoping that anyone else reading this , like me reading others problems, finds they are not alone and there is help and something to look forward to, if you haven't found help please push your self to do so and talk it through, hope this helps others in some small way, it has me

JessF · ‎28-02-2014

Hello pete62, that is a very strong catalogue of horrible anxious feelings. You mention seeing health professionals but from the sounds of things you are talking abotu doctors, I dont see you mention anything about a psychologist? In my experience medication has been helpful as a temporary fix for anxiety, a bit like having an inhaler for an asthma attack, but I didnt really start to get on top of things properly until I saw a good psychologist and started getting direction on how to manage the feelings. Positive thinking never worked for me either, its a bit like shouting at your head to stop hurting when you have a headache. It will go when it goes. I was taught different techniques in therapy, which i still work on daily, to learn to accept the anxious feelings as a way of taking away their power. Others have talked about it on here, its a type of therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy or ACT. Have you heard of it?

pete62 · ‎28-02-2014

Hi JessF, yes I have been to a Psychologist in the past but I didn't get much out of it, at present I am seeing a Psychiatrist and have also found another Psychologist who I was referred to by my Doctor, I get a lot out of the Psychiatrist that I visit and am very comfortable with her, I have only seen the New Psychologist a couple of times and am just getting past the preliminaries , no I have not heard of acceptance and commitment therapy but will ask next week when I go back, I find I go alright when I am on top of things but fall in a heap when I feel I have a health issue, it then spirals out of control with me thinking the worst, I am slowly learning to try to put my fears into perspective but it seems to take a lot of doing

optimistic · ‎28-02-2014

Dear Pete

It is great to hear you have a loving family. That is something millions don't have.It is wonderful to hear you have worked for 24 years. Millions have not been fortunate to find employment.

It would be great if you could maintain a 'Gratitude journal" and track all the things that you can be grateful for. Count your blessings.

Can you find some voluntary work to do to keep yourself busy, so busy that you do not have time for these unwanted thoughts? Please try.

Can you join some yoga/meditation class? It can do wonders in slowing your breath down and hence your thoughts. Please google on the connection between breath and thoughts.

Please talk to your GP and find a good pyschologist who can train you on CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. When you learn how your feelings are stemming from your thoughts and you train to identify the distortions in your thoughts you can change your destiny.

We are the creators of our destiny.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.Take care.

Katie10 · ‎15-03-2014

Hi Pete,

I suffer from the same (or very similar) anxiety as you. For about 3 years now, I have had increasing fears of health problems. The fears have ranged from fears about cancer, food poisoning, arthritis, and other diseases. I have seen two different psychologists over the years, the first for only a couple of months and the second for over a year. I am not currently seeing a therapist as I am an American citizen staying in Australia for just a year and do not have Medicare here.

Although I am still very very much struggling with this (still have very good days and very bad days), I found some comfort in finally figuring out the cause of my sudden intense anxiety 3 years ago.

As I am fairly young (mid 20's, early 20's at the first onset of anxiety), it doesn't make sense to me why I should be so worried that I am dying or have some terrible diseases. Most people in their early and mid-twenties rarely worry at such lengths about these things. After a couple months of seeing my second therapist, he suggested that I begin a low dose of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication while we tried to find the original source of all of this anxiety. After some further discussion with him, we believe a main cause of my anxiety is family related.

About 3 years ago, my uncle passed away rather suddenly. He was fairly young (40's I believe), and had 4 young children (oldest just a year younger than me, youngest in only 5th grade at the time). Less than a year later, my grandfather was diagnosed with a lung condition and the doctors did not know how fast it was progressing. They said some people live a couple weeks or months with it, some as long as 7 years. He passed away a couple months later. As I was studying in Australia at the time, I was unable to attend his funeral. After returning from Australia, about 6 months later, my other uncle passed away after having increasing alzheimer's disease for a few years. This past August, shortly after I came back to Australia, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We are lucky as they caught it early and have high hopes that she will be okay. My therapist and I believe these losses (and my lack of expressing my sadness following them) has played a huge role in my increasing anxiety and depression. I have never been one to openly express myself (more of an introvert), and while I know that my parents and family are always happy to talk to me about these topics if I wish, my family is more the type to laugh and have fun with joking around rather than cry and reminisce.

The point of that story was not to create more anxiety in you (I know how it is, reading about a disease or hearing of a story like that and suddenly thinking that you must have the same one or that you are dying), I merely wanted to encourage you to seek the root cause of this. Have you always had anxiety this intense, or is it just a recent onset? Is there any specific event that occurred around the same time as the beginning of your anxiety? My therapist suggested that I seek out my family members who were also affected by these events (my aunt who lost her husband, or my cousins who lost their father, or my grandmother who lost her husband), and express the way I have been feeling. His analysis of what I am experiencing is this:

Perhaps because I failed to express my true feelings about these deaths in my family, my mind is expressing them in other ways (ex: my fears about my own death). He suggested that it is possible that my mind is focusing on all of these things that I think may be wrong with me to keep from having to deal with the pain of losing these family members. This didn't make sense to me at first. How could it possibly be easier to fear my own death? My therapist suggested that perhaps it is easier for me to focus on something that is possible but hasn't happened yet rather than deal with what has already happened.

Currently, I am living in Australia missing home terribly (I love travelling, and this is the first time I have ever been homesick), and working in a hospitality job that I hate (and is very stressful in itself). I have an engineering degree and experience in my field, however I have been unsuccessful in my search of an engineering job. I want to quit my job (I have savings, so don't really need the money), but I feel as though it's letting my anxiety get the best of me. I have told my boyfriend about my battle with anxiety and depression over the years, and he is very supportive, however I think it is hard for him to understand exactly how anxious I feel day to day. I worry that he will think I am unstable or unsuitable for marriage if he realizes just how much I struggle.

My point is that I am right there with you, struggling every day with anxiety and depression. I hope knowing that helps, even if just a little.

pete62 · ‎17-03-2014

Hey Katie10 thank you for your reply and also to you optimistic,I don't know where I am heading with this terrible condition, I seem to be going in circles to the point where I feel I have had enough, I have a constant fight going on trying to stop this merry go round and am now on Meds both day and night, I also know that there are others out there who suffer but this does little to make me feel better as you may well know yourself, I don't really know where all these fears come from but as I get older I find more people around me passing away or having illnesses and there is also the constant bombardment in the media for everything from funeral insurance to diseases caused by everything from peanut butter to plastic and everything in between, I don't seem to have a life anymore, it is just a constant anxiety attack of being anxious about having something wrong with me and then the depression sets in and on it goes, I try to use the relaxation techniques shown to me by my Psych but find it very difficult and find it very hard to shut off or think positively I see no end in sight with this and think that I am stressing my family out no end I just wish I could find a release from this thing that's going on

pete62 · ‎03-04-2014

so here I sit in front of the computer still feeling lost, confused, angry and the overwhelming feeling that I have just had enough, I have a couple of good days and then anxiety sets in and then the depression, all such a common theme . I sit here and read through the posts of others and what they are going through and I feel ashamed that I feel that Im the only person suffering, this feels like such a lonely condition, I feel the need to reach out and have others hold me, tell me that everything will be ok, here is a grown man feeling the need to be cuddled like a baby, such a debilitating condition, I know full well that others suffer and a lot of those people suffer more than I yet I feel so helpless, hopeless, I have been off work now for six weeks and have finally been found to be suffering from PTSD , this may well be the reason for the severe health anxiety that is plaguing me, a part of me recognizes the fact that anxiety brings about the pains, the nausea the acid and bloating yet my mind races away like a speeding train telling me that I have a life threatening ailment and so it goes on, the anxiety followed by the depression, waking with the first thought that you are awake , here goes another day, if only I could sleep a little more, I so look forward to bed time one day rolls into another I have a slight panic attack worried that I will get to the stage where it would be better to end it all then keep going , oh such a selfish condition this is, my Psych has suggested that I may need to go to Hospital, a thought that scares me as I don't want to leave the sanctity of my home and family, the very family who love me and that I feel would be better off without me, such a lonely confusing condition, how long will go on? is there no one out there that could fix this , yes I suppose that person is me yet I feel so helpless, God I hate this

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bookworm · ‎14-04-2014

Hi Pete

I thought it might help you to know that you are not alone. I aso suffer from health anxiety. My anxiety also includes an intense fear of germs . It is quite debilitating at times with panic attacks and overwhelming feelings of dread. I am lucky to have found a very understanding GP who has helped me to cope with this condition. I have lost a family member to cancer last year and another of my family has cancer presently. The stress of losing a loved one seemed to trigger the health anxiety as well as general anxiety. I am on an anti anxiety medication which definitely helps although I still have severe panic attacks where the slightest pain is magnified in my mind to being a possible symptom of some treacherous illness. Distracting myself with walking can help. I also find the condition is exacerbated if I am alone so I try to ensure that I am in the company of others as much as possible. Take care.

pete62 · ‎15-04-2014

Hi Bookworm, thanks for replying, yes it is very debilitating not only for the sufferer but for loved ones also, I end up in Hospital recently after going to my GP with racing heart, chest pains and all the other symptoms of a possible Heart attack, after tests and X-rays I was told my Heart appeared fine although my Heart was beating like I had run 2 miles, now have to go for a stress test, more tests that I dread going for, it appears my health anxiety stems from post traumatic stress as a result of my Job , I suffer from anxiety and depression and at the moment am stressing about all sorts of things that I can punish myself with, with my anxiety comes bloating and feeling sick, no appetite, pains that mean Im dying of something, dry throat and mouth and rapid heart beat and the shakes, I long for bed time when I can get to sleep but the morning comes too fast and so starts another day with the same routine that as yet I have found very hard to break , when will this end ? I have no idea, at the moment its one day at a time, thanks for your reply and letting me know that Im not the only sufferer, Take care also

bookworm · ‎30-04-2014

Hi Pete

Thanks for your reply. I have the flu at present and am finding that the health anxiety is sky rocketing out of control. I think because the flu has lessened my already limited coping ability with this disorder I am fearing all sorts of complications from the flu. I cannot go out for a walk or work at present so am trapped with my thoughts. I am trying my best to challenge negative thoughts and am going to tackle a huge pile of dishes to try and distract myself. Sometimes immersing yourself in the most mundane of chores can help. Best of luck and sorry to be such a moaner!!