Hi Prawn
My heart truly goes out to you for so many reasons. Such an incredibly challenging time for you, the last couple of years. With now offering a new challenge, I wish there was something I could say that could ease your fears, I really do.
I'm going back about 20 years when it comes to recalling a couple of first trimester miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, in between having my daughter and son. No one really prepares you for the fear that can come with pregnancy, especially pregnancy that follows loss or a number of losses. There can be so many mixed emotions involved. When all you want to do is feel excitement and joy, fear and dread and other such emotions can be an unwelcome part of a pregnancy.
I think what can make some difference involves finding what's relatable in some way. While I had some well meaning people in my life at the time advise me along the lines of 'You should be over the miscarriages by now', hmmm🤔, I managed to find what was far more relatable in my local library. One book was based on how the body works the way it does in producing a successful pregnancy and why it terminates a pregnancy and another book was based on women's experiences with different stages of loss in pregnancy. So one book was based on fact, helping me logically make sense of things and stop blaming myself or seeing myself as 'broken', and the other was very emotionally informative and supportive. This was relatable for me. We need to find what works for us as individuals.
I'd have to say the most powerful words offered to me at the time I was pregnant with my son (my 2nd child) were offered by my young yet very wise nephew, 'You are courageous'. I never thought of myself as being courageous but he was right. It takes so much courage to try again. For those who face loss and fear, the next pregnancy can take an enormous amount of courage. This is perhaps the most courageous thing you've ever done. You have got to be proud of yourself.
Does anything come to mind for you in the way of easing your fears? If there's one thing I wish I had have done all those years ago it would have involved developing intuition. I know it sounds a bit out there but intuition is something that can help in overriding fears. For example, we could be feeling overwhelming fear when something suddenly says to us 'You need to breathe. Just calm down and breathe' or maybe 'You need to go and talk to _____', someone who typically makes a positive difference to us. One thing did come to mind for me during my last pregnancy, when I was lying on the couch balling my eyes out while having discovered I'd started spotting/bleeding. 'Everything will be alright, it's a boy' were words that came to mind which made a difference. While some belittled this, it's largely what got me through many of my fears.
A huge congratulations to you and your husband on this incredibly courageous part of your journey together.
❤️
