Guilt about taking sick leave for mental illness

[HappySheep]

Hi Peeps, I've struggled on and off with anxiety and depression since my teens. It took until my mid 30s before getting any treatment and starting to understand that it's an illness that needs to be treated, not a character flaw or weakness.  I've needed medication and psychology on and off over the years and have been doing both for the past six months, however my Anxiety has sky-rocketed over the past month and has got to the point where I am too frightened to go to work, too panicked to go to my hobbies and nearly having a melt-down if I have to go to the supermarket. 

I have not been this bad for 20 years and previously, I would have just thrown in my job and left town - pulled a geographical and run away.  This time, I'm trying to deal with things like a grown-up. I've spent six months working with a psychologist to find sensible ways to deal with my condition - it's obviously something I'm going to have for life and I'd like to deal with it in ways that don't cause me to throw away jobs and relationships etc.  So, I've done the grown-up thing and told my boss that I may need extended time off work for a medical condition, pending my next doctor's appointment. My partner is incredibly proud of me for finally stopping trying to fight on through the crazy and taking time off to get better.

My problem is that I feel so incredibly guilty for taking time off work just now. My organisation has been through an horrific time since November - a small number of staff dealing with traumatised clients - they're all tired and struggling, and it should be my turn to step up and lighten the load.  I am struggling to convince myself that I'm taking time off because I've been sick since September and just can't keep going - but my brain keeps trying to tell me that I've failed to step up when it's a stressful workplace and people need me. I emotionally feel that if I could have hung on for another few weeks, I could have done my part to get us out of crisis, and not left my exhausted colleagues having to cover for me. 

I am trying to convince myself that mental illness is no different to physical illness and I would never expect someone to come to work with a broken leg or pneumonia but I find it difficult to use the comparison because a broken leg or pneumonia has obvious start/finish dates and recognisable symptoms - whereas it's much harder to differentiate Anxiety from normal stress. I guess I KNOW I have a mental illness but when is it 'an episode' versus just me not being able to cope with life?

Any help or wisdom appreciated.

[indigo22]

Hi HappySheep,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for deciding to reach out.

Although our circumstances and stories will be quite different, I do understand the thoughts and questions that you have.

I have been dealing with major depression since about 12 (now in my 60s), but I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40s at which time I was also made aware that what I thought was something wrong with me on a deep level had been depression all that time. It is a double edge sword, on one side you are relieved to know there is an explanation, on the other side you begin to realise that the mountain you thought you were almost at the top off was really only a hill that was hiding the rest of the mountain.

I also questioned what I deserved and didn't deserve at first, I had spent my whole life coping with my feelings and emotions up to that point. What I failed to acknowledge was that coping at that level is not living, but just surviving the best you can. I think that mental health issues are still a long way from being fully understood and is still rarely talked about in society. With a physical illness, someone will see you have a broken leg (as you said) and feel empathy for you and the struggles you have with that. But with mental illness there are no signs that people can focus their attention on, which means they are either an empathetic person who can understand that you must struggle with your illness, or have no understanding at all and avoid you like the plague. It is getting better but there is still a lot of ignorance out there.

So my point is that we can also be somewhat ignorant of how much we are struggling until we fall flat from exhaustion. I understand the mental questioning, but I think there are a couple of things you really need to ask yourself at the moment. You will need to take the time to be completely honest with yourself about the answers and not let that self critical voice get in the way.

Is the company you work for your responsibility or someone else's?

Is the health (or lack thereof) of the other staff members you work with your responsibility or someone else's?

Is your health (or lack thereof) your responsibility or someone else's?

You already are doing the grown up thing and putting yourself first, if you don't allow yourself to recover, you won't be any good to anyone eventually. It's why they tell you on a flight "In case of emergency, put your own mask on first". I think it is honourable to be considerate of others, but if it comes at the expense of your own health, then you are being inconsiderate to yourself and you are just as important as any one else on the planet.

I hope this helps, I am happy to continue the conversation if you wish.

Please take care of yourself,

indigo

[Mary987]

I know how you feel. I think you have to try to let go of the guilt. Because even tho we want to be there for everyone including our work colleagues sometimes we can't and that's ok.Unfortunately more stressful times are bound to be on the way, it seems to be the state of most workplaces these days and chances are you will be there to help when your able too! Every place I've worked at seem to have frequent staff shortages.. Companies manage staff poorly, they have un realistic expectations and we are expecting to just suck it up.. Then the pressure builds and we all go under. Then they ask why is everyone calling in sick? It's relentless, which is why you need to take care of you! As a healthcare worker I feel guilty when I can't work but the reality is Ive been burned out due to the ridiculous workload that gets place on us and my mental health has really suffered. My anxiety is so high I have panic attacks.  I can't function properly. Then I become no good to anyone. So it's incredibly important you make sure you take care of you! I know that's easier said than done but it's important! Hope that helps! Remember Be kind to yourself! 

[HappySheep]

Thank you.

[HappySheep]

Thank you. What I know intellectually and what I can make myself believe ate tqo ver different things. Thanks.

[therising]

Hi HappySheep

It's seriously tough, making the right or best decision when it feels so wrong on so many other levels. That kind of stuff tends to trigger so-called 'inner demons' and boy do they get brutal, especially one known as 'the harsh and brutal inner critic'. This one had well and truly come to life me for towards the end of 2022, while I was trying to decide whether or not to take a year off work. In the lead up to my decision, my inner dialogue became 'You can't leave, they're already short staffed. Imagine the stress you'll be putting everyone under if you leave. Only a horrible person would do that to people. They'll hate you. And what about the financial stress for your family, imagine how much stress this'll put your husband under. What kind of partner does that to someone? And what about the kids? They'll have to go back to missing out on all the things that'd make them happy, like back in the days when you were a stay at home mum in a single income household. What you're wanting to do is selfish and thoughtless and you should be ashamed of your self. Why can others cope but you can't? It's because you're weak. You're weak, thoughtless and selfish' and on and on it went. My harsh and brutal inner critic was going to town on me something shocking, messing with my horribly.

I smile when I consider the major influence in making my decision as being my mum. She insisted 'With everything going on and with these challenges demanding more of your time next year, you need to take time off'. The reason I smile is because, with me being a 52yo woman at the time, it was almost like 'I'm allowed to do this because my mum's given me permission. My mum said I could'. Her advice and encouragement were like an unwritten permission slip. Should add 'My mum said I could go' was not a part of my resignation letter 😂.

I think it's called 'People trying to talk sense into us'. Whether it involves my mum or your partner, they're simply helping us to try and make better sense of the reasons for doing what can feel so hard and that involves putting our self first. While I'd managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, in 2022 my stress levels were generating anxiety attacks and something had to change. With my boss being someone who suffers from anxiety herself, when I resigned due to stress and growing demands outside of work, she reassured me 'Anxiety demands that we make a change of some kind. It's important to never ignore this demand for change'. Wise words indeed.

I think sometimes we gotta say to our harsh and brutal inner critic 'Shut the hell up! I'm going to do what best serves my body, in order to relieve it of dis-ease. I'm going to serve my lungs, which can't cope under such suffocating levels of stress. I'm going to serve my muscular system that can't cope under this much tension. I've going to serve my immune system that trying to fight what I'm not immune to and that is this much dis-ease' and on it goes. When our body is saying in a whole variety of ways (through signs and symptoms) 'I can't cope', you know deep down that something's gotta change. 🙂

[HappySheep]

Thank you. You are, of course, dead right. If I'd have listened to what I actually needed I would have taken time off work six months ago and not waited until work also went crazy and stress levels for everyone ramped up.

[HappySheep]

Thank you therising,

I'm re-reading your reply a week later now the extra drugs are kicking in and I'm not quite so panicky!  What an amazingly helpful response. Thank you for putting the time in.  I think we share the same demons! - or at least THAT one.

I've made up my mind that, you're dead right, the Anxiety is demanding I make some changes. That job broke me last year and I've been hanging on, trying to soldier through.  No one needs to do that for a job.  It's not that I can't do the job, I CAN and have been doing it well, I just do not WANT to do it.  Some people are career driven and love living under stress and pressure. I don't. I want my life back!

I'm still struggling with the guilt that, now that I've decided I need to quit, I haven't yet put in my resignation but am staying on sick leave for now.  Some demons are hard to kill!  I've worked in the HR space and I know how much extra work it puts on everyone else when one employee is on rolling week-by-week leave.  As you put it 'only a horrible person would do that to people' 😉

I've worked for this company for over a decade and I rarely take leave so I have masses of sick leave owing and I'm trying to convince myself that I earned it, I'm entitled to it, I'm actually legitimately sick so why shouldn't I take the leave?  And I'm certainly not in a good place to be doing job interviews etc. Even typing this out is helping to momentarily quell the demons.

Is it possible that one day, I'll actually convince myself that I am legitimately unwell? Argh. If 20 years of medications and psychs haven't yet done it - maybe I'm a slow learner - or just have very strong demons.

Anyway, I shall keep re-reading your response to help me put things back in perspective.

I hope you are having a wonderful day.

Regards, HS.

[HappySheep]

Thanks Indigo, re-reading things now my brain has settled down a little.  And I'll keep re-reading to remind myself that the insides of my head are not to be believed - the voices of reason are those from people like yourself.

Thanks for your help. Hope you're enjoying your day!

HS

[therising]

Hi HappySheep

I think because we're typically not conditioned to see our mental health being just as important as our physical health when we're growing up, it tends to not be given the recognition it deserves. It wasn't until my 2 kids got into secondary school that I decided to bring in the offering of 4 mental health days off a year each. As I said to them 'If you need more than 4 a year, we have an issue that needs serious addressing'. Of course, if more than 4 were needed, it would always be a consideration. In all the years they went to school, rarely did they ever take up the offer but they knew it was there. They knew their mental health was important. While I wouldn't count myself as lucky in the way of mental health challenges, I consider my kids to be lucky in the way of having a mum who truly gets how mentally challenging some days can really be.

Inner demons, some make me laugh and some make me cry. The ones that take you to rock bottom are shockers, major tear inducers, for sure. I have one that makes me laugh and, yes, I know that sounds a bit questionable. It taps into the emotional eater in me and just by looking at me, you can tell it's one of my regulars. While I think it's my inner sage that insists 'You have got to lose the weight your knees a struggling to support', what I then hear can be 'You'd feel so much better about the weight if only you had a block of chocolate'. I sometimes laugh while thinking 'Seriously? You're slowly killing me, literally. Shut the hell up!'. Just want to make it completely clear, no, I don't hear audible voices. I simply feel or sense it as inner dialogue. It's like how sometimes you hear on occasion 'You have got to stop being so hard on yourself'. Whether that's a friend's voice playing in our head or a mother's voice or maternal lot of dialogue or it's coming from somewhere else, it can be the comforting, reassuring and inspiring side of inner dialogue. I suppose it's a kind of welcomed guidance in a way.

The topic of inner dialogue's an interesting one indeed. I was actually surprised when I came across something called 'Hearing Voices Network'. I had no idea such a thing existed. It's a support network for people who can relate to stressful or depressing inner dialogue, clairaudience, schizophrenia and a whole lot of other stuff. All are welcome. They cover inner dialogue and more from a whole variety of angles.