Frustrated and wanting change

frustrated44 · ‎24-11-2013

Hello,

At 30 years old I have finally realised that I need to acknowledge some of the things I constantly think in my head are not what most people would consider ‘normal’. I am writing this on here as I have just read a lot of other peoples thoughts and it has given me the confidence to post some of my feelings in the hope that maybe someone can help shed some light on what it is that cause me to spend so much of my waking hours thinking the way I do, and maybe what I should do about it.

There are some things I have always done as long as I can remember which I want to share with you;

I have this bad habit of over analysing social situations of any kind after the event and reliving them in exact detail. I can go over and over every word that was said in a conversation from every possible angle and get annoyed with myself for a ‘bad’ answer or a ‘stupid’ question convinced that the other person would only remember that and perceive me as an idiot. Whats worse is that its not only strangers but family members and close friends too that I do this to but can even be pizza delivery guys, call centre operators etc. etc. Also I forever relive past conversations even if they happened a few years ago and still get frustrated with particular actions I took or things I said convinced that these things have left the impression that I feel of me in their eyes, even if it was just the way I said “goodbye”.

I will avoid places I have to go, such as a shop for work like the butchers (Im a chef) because I worry for hours before hand about the 3 or so minutes of ‘banter’ I will have to have with them whilst waiting for my order, convinced when I leave they will say all these negative things about me like I'm an idiot or boring etc. Also I have started to avoid seeing some of my best friends and my goddaughter as I think I will run out of things to say and look foolish. Im so bored of this!

Recently I cant leave my house and walk down the street without thinking everybody I pass is somehow looking at me and judging me.

If I'm going to a cafe I will go over and over the words I need to use and what I will say in my head before I walk in and order a coffee. To most people this would sound completely ridiculous and I too know that it is completely irrational and that the server in the coffee shop wont remember the guy that said ‘hello, can I have a latte’ in a strange way that morning but I cant help it.

I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent so I don’t suffer too much from intellectual self-esteem issues, but I cant help constantly thinking that my hair must look stupid or im walking funny or im drinking from my water bottle too loudly when I'm somewhere. Always convinced that the look a shop assistant gives me is because I look strange. It is so frustrating as I know it doesn't make sense and yet I can never stop the repeating thoughts and its driving me crazy!

Also no matter how much sleep I get I very rarely feel normal and ‘awake’, it does happen sometimes but I often feel almost dizzy or just slightly out of touch like I'm not quite there almost like a little cloudy? or slightly dreamy? Its hard to find the words to describe this adequately does anyone know what I mean?

I have always drunk a lot of alcohol, often more than a bottle of red wine or equivalent most nights for pretty much the last ten years. Recently because of study I have cut that down and even managed to stop for a week. I had always thought that this had added to my feelings but it turns out that they were still there, I even gave up cigarettes too and they still are, and so I guess I have no more excuses other than to try and work out what is really the problem and do something about it.

Despite all these negative thoughts I honestly think most people who know me would say I'm almost always happy and quite confident. No one including my girlfriend of two years knows quite how frequent and on rotation the thoughts are, and generally i cope alright, well outwardly anyway, I'm sure some of you know what I mean but it is tiring.

I know these problems aren't as debilitating as some peoples on here but I guess I would love to know if anyone who has similar thoughts what has worked for you and perhaps what you think my next step should be. When I started writing this I thought a GP would probably send me home and tell me its nothing if I told them but putting it down on paper, and there are so many more examples, I kind of just realised how much I bend my life and put up with stuff because of this and I'm sure there is something I can do. Often it is all consuming and I can't think about anything else, a feeling I'm sure a lot of people will be familiar with. If I look back into my past I can find times right back to high school when I have felt I have struggled socially and so I don't know whether much has changed or whether I'm just more aware of them recently. I hate the idea of medication in almost any form and have probably only taken a handful of nurofen in the past ten years so I'm hoping there is some other option. Anyway I feel happier having made this step.

Thanks for reading

anxiousguy · ‎24-11-2013

Hi frustrated44. I suffer from anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and have the same problems that you are experiencing. I now try to avoid going to banks/butchers/bakeries because I too anticipate the conversations I may have and worry about what I will say and if I will be judged. I get nervous and a rapid heart rate. I know what you are experiencing 100%. I know what you are saying about even walking down the street and feeling judged. Sometimes I even walk a longer route to get to my house from the other end to avoid a longer stretch of my road. Once again I know what you are experiencing 100%. Feeling dizzy and out of touch, certainly I experience this too and it is a classic symptom of anxiety. Reliving past conversations and feeling guilty about things even if I didn't intend to cause harm, yes, that's me too. Go to a doctor as your first step, they will not brush you off. A GP should and most definitely will take you very seriously.

anxiousguy · ‎24-11-2013

Hi frustrated44. I suffer from anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. I have exactly the same thoughts that you have and it really is very crippling. I dread going to the bank/butchers and certain shops as I too dread the banter and I try to have things in mind to say because I don't want to come across as bland. I mentally envisage what the conversation might be like. Its gotten to a stage whereby I avoid places where banter is likely to occur. Who would have thought that banking a cheque would be so difficult but that's what anxiety does; makes everything difficult. Re walking down the street I am 100% the same; dread being judged so it makes it a difficult task. Past conversations I relive too and feel anguish over whether I possibly hurt somebodys feelings. Finally, the dizziness and out of touch feeling which I get too is a classic symptom of anxiety. Go see a doctor as your first step, a GP will take you very seriously and then you can go from there.

Mary89 · ‎24-11-2013

Hi,

I don't suffer from anxiety in the same way that you do, I don't fear social situations however I do suffer anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety is more a general feeling of unease and worry that 'something bad' may happen - don't ask me what that bad thing may be because even I cannot answer that, ridiculous I know!

However I can relate to you as I have experienced how these sorts of thoughts can be all consuming and it can actually take over your life. I can also relate because most people that know me also think I am happy, confident and in control and they would most likely be shocked to learn how I am actually feeling.

I suggest talking to your GP and getting a referral to see a psychologist. I also did not want to take any medication so I have gone down the psychology path and I am finding it very effective. The first psychologist I was sent to was useless so I went back and got another referral and found a psychologist who is very good - hence my advice is keeping looking until you find the right person to help.

I think initially seeking is help can be the hardest part, as I was very embarrassed initially to let down my guard and actually admit how I was feeling. I did not want to go to a GP but my family forced me to and I am glad they did. Hope that helps.

Mary89 · ‎24-11-2013

Also, in terms of your description of being 'cloudy' and 'out of touch' - I know exactly what you mean. Very hard to describe what it is or to put my finger on it exactly but I sometimes get a slightly detached feeling. Can be quite disconcerting I know.

geoff · ‎25-11-2013

dear Frustrated, well Anxiousguy has hit the nail on the head, so to speak, it's definitely OCD, which I have had for 54 years, and all these thoughts that you are having are exactly the same as myself as well.

It's an illness that we have somehow learnt to do, or perhaps it's hereditary, which means that passed generations also had it, but back then they wouldn't have called it OCD, they would have called it by a derogatory name, which would have been totally unfair.

Each and everyone who posts on this site have their own problems or concerns, and this includes those that reply to others as well, and this includes myself, so when you say that your problems 'aren't as debilitating as some people' is not true at all, as everyone is important.

Personally I don't write in about my own OCD, I just reply to those who are worried about it themselves.

I don't believe one bit that if I can't stand on cracks on the footpath, or have to check locks four or five times that I am abnormal, it's an illness that I inherited, I had no choice, although my twin doesn't have it, nor has he ever had depression.

Please get back to us so we can talk about it some more. Geoff.

Wings88 · ‎25-11-2013

Hello!

Thank you for sharing your post with us, I suffer a bit from this too, in fact I'm not sure if this will help you but hope you keep reading!

Not everyone is perfect, your not, I'm not, the guy at the coffee store or the random person walking down the street. We are all different and unique. If everyone talked the same way how would I have any interesting conversations with anyone? Mistakes are a part of life, you experience them, learn from them, accept them.

In saying that I still remember conversations from really long ago, thinking I shouldn't of said that and such. But I can't change that, so why bother worrying about it? I encourage you to, but you don't have to, go out and talk to people about anything that comes to mind, regardless if it is appropriate or not. Trust me, I'm still trying to figure out what is ok to bring up in casual conversation, and yes I make a fool out of myself. What I do is laugh about it, apolagise then carry on.

If you can't do it on your own however I recommend seeing a counselor. They specialise in helping people not by giving them drugs but talking about their problem and working with them to create solutions. Sometimes it can take a while, and it's defentally going to require effort on your part, but the rewards are worth it. Also if the first counselor doesn't really help, try someone else because we are all different. Or, if you can't afford that try out "The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris, it's all about accepting yourself and your feelings, putting a new perspective on things.

Hope this helps! I'll leave you with this,

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

frustrated44 · ‎29-11-2013

Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I cant express fully the power of your words but thanks to you all I have just made an appointment to see a GP next week and hopefully get a referral to speak to a psychologist.

I thought I would write up my thought processes over the last few days, mainly as an exercise for me to work through my thoughts clearly as I often write them down for this purpose and also perhaps they may be interesting to someone else. The last few days has been filled with mixed emotions, feeling better, worse, excited, scared, one feeling after the other.

My long standing opinion that this is just me, how I am, and that it will never change is for the first time lessening and this on the whole feels great. I have felt a wave of relief in starting to believe that I am not the only one with these thoughts and that I am not just ‘weird’.

I have also felt worse though as these revelations have led me to open many past memories where this anxiety has been the cause of my behaviour; not leaving a hotel room for 3 days was a lonely memory I had forgotten about! Some of these have been hard to bare but support the feeling that communicating with a professional is important and necessary and that this really does affect my life more than sometimes I let myself believe.

I have been excited at the prospect that perhaps there really is a chance to stop thinking some of the things I do, a chance to de-program some of these thoughts and ease some of that relentless pressure. I am hoping that one day soon I can finally free up some brain space to do many of the other things that I want to do, and enjoy them on face value for what they are rather than from my usual self-critical approach. That would be amazing and refreshing!

I am scared though that next week for the first time, other than anonymously on this website, I will try to explain to someone, all be it a professional, the thoughts that I feel embarrassed about having and that I think are silly and unnecessary. I am also scared that I am now having to admit that there is something 'different' about me and that I am going to have to do something about it, which comes with a whole host of its own questions. What will the psychologist be like? Will they think I'm making it up? Do I tell my girlfriend yet or wait and see what happens? How long would treatment take? Could it make me worse? Could my life really change for the better???

Inevitably after making the phone call today to book the appointment, the conversation with the doctor is swimming circles in my mind. I think I will write things down examples as I'm worried I wont be able to convince her and she wont believe anything is wrong and not give me a referral. Also they wouldn't let me book a double appointment as the doctor wont allow it unless she authorises it, and there was definitely no way I was explaining to the receptionist why I wanted it, the phone call was hard enough!!! Im hoping this isn't going to be a problem and the doctor will be annoyed that I'm taking up too much time, at least its booked in! I have to remember she is a professional and will deal with it.

Thanks to your replies and the other stories on this site I do realise this is not just me and lots of people are further down the road that I am just starting on, and this gives me a great deal of hope and confidence that change is possible and quite realistic. I am impressed and touched with how generous people seem to be in offering support to others on here and from the messages I received I really know how much better they made me feel, as I'm sure they do for many others.

Its a great feeling to not feel quite so alone.

Thanks again to all of you.

missmilford · ‎29-11-2013

it is definitely comforting knowing others have similar thought processes. I too am new to this site but the little I have read has helped me. Sometimes it is enough to know you are not alone. I certainly relate to most of what you said, some things are different for me, but the almost obsessive thoughts and going over things is definitely where I fall over. I wish you all the best with the doctor and finding help. it is hard but the thing is when you do open up, you do find you are not alone. I certainly have found that.

Stephen123 · ‎29-11-2013

Dear frustrated,

i don,t think you have too much to be worried about. I would just like to point out the things that jump out at me from your post,

1. Your going over conversations. I would submit that this is natural for most people, it was for me. It wasn't, until I learnt that it doesn't,t really matter what people think of me, I am a good person!

2. You are a chef! You are a perfectionist. You are talented. By all the accounts of all the talented people you are meant to suffer to a certain degree, this is the price of being talented!

3. Drinking a bottle of wine is not real good! You have given up for 1 week, I think you should maybe try for 1 year. I have been told that it takes 21 days to break a habit, and even then it must be replaced by something else. I,ve found sparkling mineral water to be a good substitute.

4. Seeing psychologist is hard. I let my illness go to the point were I was hospitalised, in fact made involuntary by a magistrate. Would you believe they let me out 2 weeks later. A good psychologist has heard it all, seen it all been there and bought the tee shirt. If you don,t click with your first psychologist please try another and so on until you do.

dear frustrated you have seen that there is a problem and you have accepted that something must be done about that problem, well done, you,re on your way to a better happier mental healthy life. I,m sorry but on the scale of mental health problems I would give you a 1