First post and seeking advice and experience

[BlueBen]

Hello all,

Currently living through the worst personal crisis I have experienced so I have come here for support and advice.

12 months ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, I have PTSD due to emotional and sexual abuse from a previous relationship and only very recently have I realised the extent of my sleep apnoea. All these combining to create a personal health crisis that I am trying to fight my way out of.

The catalyst for this crisis came about a month ago when my partner left me. Living in a brain fog for the past few months in the lead up to the separation, I lost my ability to communicate fully due to the effects of the complete and utter physical and emotional exhaustion. I was, and remain absolutely devastated that this has happened and that we couldn't work through this crisis.

First of all I visited my GP and had blood tests and a general physical examination, a MHCP and a referral to a psychologist.

I have started seeing the psychologist which has so far been mainly backward steps due to the emotional stress I am feeling and the additional problems the sessions have so far released. I had tried to block out the abuse from a previous relationship, all I was doing was trying to ignore it and the emotional and physical symptoms have continued to haunt me.

I have finally realised the effects that my until recently undiagnosed sleep apnoea, and had a sleep study test completed. I am tomorrow seeing the sleep apnoea specialist to start a 4 week trial with a CPAP machine. Having not slept properly in maybe a couple of years I am exhausted physically and emotionally and cannot wait to have that one decent nights sleep.

On a daily basis I am still emotionally vulnerable, when distracted by work or tasks I am less anxious. I still have trouble falling much less staying asleep (on average I get 3-3.5 hours sleep per night) I wake most mornings at 3am and remain wide awake until my alarm goes off.

I have begun taking supplementation to try to boost my immune system and also stress management. I have begun taking over the counter medications for anxiety management.

I have had anxiety and panic attacks due to the delays in the time it takes to see psychologists. I have no one to talk to apart from my sister and I am struggling to deal with any of this. I am trying to be pro active and practical but it is not that simple. Mental health is not something that is easy to share or talk about with friends.

I am suffering in silence.

[BballJ]

Hi BlueBen ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

As a fellow suffer of Generalised Anxiety Disorder I do know how it feels to battle that everyday so you are not alone there. I am sorry to read about everything that has happened and is happening. Facing your past is on of the toughest things you can ever do and I can understand why bringing it up would cause you to go backwards however I think a key thing to remember here is that yes you may feel like you are going backwards but you could also be about to take a giant step forward. This is where sticking with your psychologist and working through every single feeling is so beneficial to your future. I also have had sleep apnoea so I know how it feels, not to the extent you are suffering but the general tiredness although the waking up at 3 am is something I know all too well about. I have woken up many nights in a panic and takes me ages to calm down.

How long is it between your psychologist sessions?

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Blueben,

I would like to extend another caring welcome to you to the forums.

What a difficult time you have been happening. You sound very lonely, overwhelmed, heartbroken and exhausted.

Sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on a person’s physical and mental health. I really hope seeing the sleep apnoea specialist helps.

The devastation from your breakup really comes across in your post. The sense of loss from it must be indescribable. I feel the depth of your pain in your words...

Can I offer a gentle suggestion? I wonder if calling a helpline, such as, BeyondBlue or Lifeline, between your psychologist visits would help. That way, you will have someone to support you between visits and this is especially if you’re someone who struggles to discuss mental health with friends.

Alternatively (or in addition), you consider could reaching out to a close friend and open up about how you’re feeling. I don’t know what the dynamics of your various friendships are like but I feel sometimes people respond well to openness. Having said that though, I don’t know your friends so naturally you’re the best judge of whether leaning on them more is an option or not. But perhaps something to consider (if you like)...

I hope you feel comfortable writing here on the forums. You’re always most welcome to write more (if you want to) as we would love to hear more about you and support you.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[BlueBen]

Hi BballJ and thank you for your comments.

A relationship I was in post my marriage breakdown has caused me more issues than I had realised.

Both emotional and physical, I had struggled to identify that this traumatic, toxic and abusive relationship could possibly cause so much angst. My next significant relationship with a wonderful partner collapsed under a cloud of my fears and insecurities related to the effects of this traumatic relationship.

My last partner was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. We shared so much in common with thoughts and views and plans for our future together including her son and my 2 daughters. It was such beautiful thing. I had such hope for our future.

Sadly both of our histories included abusive former partners. Her story repulsed me and I felt sick hearing it and knowing about it. I was effected by this in many ways, I became very conscious and scared of how to treat her. I was always fearful of treating her in a way that might make her fearful. It effected me in both emotional and physical ways. I suffered from sexual insecurities and performance issues followed. This for me brought even more distress and anxiety and for her it was much the same. I couldn't talk about these issues with her as initially I believed I had dealt with them but I was only avoiding the problems, not facing them as I now am. I was too humiliated to describe what had happened to me.

The very first time I spoke in detail about my emotional, physical and sexual abuse was with my psychologist just a few weeks ago. It was horrendous but a relief at the same time.

My psychology appointments are 3 weeks apart and I feel like I fall in a hole in between, that I need support during these time delays. That I should be doing something during these times to fast track my healing.

On a positive note (note the small wins) this afternoon I collected my CPAP machine to begin a 4 week study trial to find me some sleep. I cannot wait to get a decent nights sleep.

Its such a vicious circle of no sleep, high anxiety, causing no sleep, causing higher levels of anxiety....

Regards,

BlueBen

[BlueBen]

Thank you for your reply Peppermintbach

Sleep deprivation has wreaked absolute havoc on my life. The "brain fog" they talk of is a very real thing and having realised the many symptoms in so much of the past 12-18 months of my life, I wonder just how much longer I may have been effected by. That said I now have today collected my CPAP machine so I hope sleep deprivation can become a thing of my past.

The devastation from my breakup really has and continues to hit me so very hard. We had such plans for ourselves, our children (her 3yo son and my 9yo and 16yo daughters) plus we had also planned on more. The future was right there before us and now it is all gone. I feel like I have lost family members in a car accident and I wasn't able to say goodbye. I am absolutely at a loss.

The suggestion of calling a helpline between my psychologist visits I think is a great idea and tonight I will make the call. I need support throughout all of this. It may likely get worse before it gets better.

I have reached out to a mutual friend for support and to be honest it is yet to come despite repeated attempts to communicate (from me)this situation is causing increased anxiety levels so I have decided to make no further attempts at communication.

Regards,

BlueBen

[quirkywords]

Hi Blue Ben,

I too welcome you to the forum.

Jay, Peppermintbach have givin you Craig and helpful suggestions .

I am glad you will call the helpline.

You have so much going onto cope it's . Te break up of a relationship alone is very stressful but the other issues you are dealing with especially the sleep deprivation would make things moe difficult. I get little sleep and can relate to brain fog and being constantly tired.

I hope the machine helps you and would be interesting to see if it can improve your sleep.

Iam sorry that your mutual friend as not responded. I have you had any contact with your ex partner since the break up. I can feel the pain of the loss for all the plans you had maid for your future and your life together.

You write well here and you express yourself clearly so I am wondering if you find writing your thoughts down in a journal would help you to process what you are experiencing.

If you feel ok , post and let us know how you are going.

Quirky

[BlueBen]

On a positive note, my first night with my CPAP machine was a success!

After initially struggling to relax enough to fall asleep I eventually drifted off. I did feel at times like I was drowning in too much air (the unit is constantly pressurised) and I did take it off for an hour then having woken as per normal at my 3am time slot I refitted the head piece and slept through to my alarm.

The most rested I have felt in over 12 months!

Today, not being as tired as normal I was inspired enough to recommence a car restoration project that has been in limbo for some time. That also has boosted my mindset.

Today is a good day.

[BballJ]

Hi BlueBen ,

I am so glad to read the CPAP machine works for you and you were able to get a good nights sleep, many more to come by the sounds of it which means you should start getting a clearer mindset on tackling everything. I understand everything you are saying about former relationships and what not, may I ask, are you currently in one, or just going solo at the moment, working through everything. I know you said your psychologist appointments are 3 weeks apart, is there anyway to bring them closer? Mine we every week at one stage at the height of my anxiety.

My best,

Jay

[BlueBen]

Hi Jay,

the CPAP machine while initially has helped I need to get the pressures adjusted so I can breathe (out) fully. I feel like a balloon that can blow up but not fully deflate at the moment. This should be sorted today so hopefully a great sleep tonight.

Yes being properly rested from a good sleep definitely helps with being able to see things more clearly and able to cope with the daily stresses of life that pop up.

Not in a relationship since I split up in January but I need to concentrate on my own issues right now. I need me time. Time to get through all of this without the “distraction” of another relationship right now.

I am still grieving the past breakup like the loss of family members and still quite badly at times.

Working towards dealing with PTAD issues from the abusive relationship with my psychologist now. Appointments are 3 weeks apart which is not ideal but it’s all I can get for now. Long road ahead but feeling better prepared to face the challenges.

Ive also been receiving reiki treatment via phone from Mind Relaxation Australia which I believe are also helping calm my thoughts.

Cheers,

Ben

[BballJ]

Hi BlueBen ,

Hopefully the CPAP machine is all good now.

It honestly sounds like you are doing all the right things to get through this. Just remember everything takes time but with a good support network and these forums you can get there.

How have you found the reiki treatment?

My best,

Jay