Feeling lost

[Befree]

Hi,

I'm a mum that works full time and usually I try to stay positive but the last few weeks have got me so far down that if it weren't for my children, I'd prefer to go to sleep and never wake up.

Work used to be good, but lately its been stressful and usually I can shake it off, but its getting harder to and I don't know if its because I have a few things coming up next year and maybe its the aftermath of Covidmania finally catching up with me.

One of my kids almost died from an autoimmune disease last year and now needs hospital intervention regularly. I feel so helpless.

I want to start getting out and join groups because the kids are older now, but I've isolated myself so much in the the 6 years, that I don't like being around people anymore. 

I've always had an issue with authority and my supervisor is ok, but I always feel like she thinks the worst of me and when she gives other people attention, I feel somewhat jealous and withdrawn.

Sometimes I feel like I make stuff up that people may be thinking of me (worst case scenario) and I act toward them like its true, when they have no reason to feel badly about me, its just my mind jumping to conclusions.

I think it stems back to a boss I had where I thought everything was ok and then one day she sacked me.

I also wasn't emotionally supported as a child and my parents didn't believe in us, even when someone accused us of doing something we didn't do.

We were just hindrances to my parents and I was always told off for expressing myself.

I'm sure this all stems from my unresolved past, but I just don't know how to deal with it now so that I don't carry this dead feeling in my chest anymore.

I've been to see councillors before and didn't feel like they gave me any direction and that I could only help me.  So I've done a lot of should searching and read a tonne of books seeking peace, but every now and then, this big dark cloud hangs over me and overwhelms me with depression and anxiety and I wish it would just go away.

If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

thank you 

[tranzcrybe]

It seems you are dealing with a bucket about to overflow...

On a normal day, this bucket can happily handle a reasonable amount of water (viz, anxiety) and withstand the rigours of being jostled around; but when inundated, the weight increases as does the propensity for things to slosh over the side and really make a mess.

And you have had your fair share of anxious moments added to the tally where the usual process for emptying the contents (i.e., reducing stress) rests with interacting socially again... and this appear to be doubtful in light of present/future obligations.

So how can you achieve this?

• One approach is to find more buckets: outsource/delegate some tasks or just use them as holding bays until you are ready to deal with things in your own time.
• Another option is to turn off the dripping tap - namely, the voices in your head which are placing added pressure that may or not exist. Raising any concerns directly will clear some space even if your suspicions are accurate - people will think what they want regardless as that is their prerogative, but some may respect your efforts to draw their attention to any oversights.
• Above all, leave enough space in that bucket for you; only carrying the minimal amount of water around all day - that being your immediate concerns and priorities. 

I was once told that one must look after oneself as imperative if they are to care adequately for those in need. You do this for yourself and for those depending on you.