Feeling like a failure

[Bluey_moon]

Feeling like I'm failing! 

The new meds I think are working ok, I'm not as anxious! 

But I googled tonight, epic fail! 

I just want to feel normal again! 

I know I have to work harder! 

Today I just  need encouragement!

[Bluey_moon]

Hi Paul, thank you again for your support! 

Googling has always been my worst enemy! I think anyone with health anxiety can find this, even the government sights, I convince myself I have every symptom! 

I always read Dean's posts over and over they calm me and he gives great advice! (My heart is breaking for him at the moment)

I had such a great day yesterday! Then while putting my bubba to sleep, I had this random thought, what if all the people I talked to on here were figments of my imagination, well I know it's not true, but I'm like why would I think that ect. Then last night I worried I would hear things. Realistically I'm sure it's my OCD but that small doubt remains! It feels like I'll never get better. But I am trying to keep busy and tell myself it's your Ocd! 

Sorry to unload on you! 

Skye

[ci]

Skye I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

I teared up reading you post worrying about your husband. I know what it's like to be so down that you can't get yourself back up just wishing someone could magically make everything better!

Sounds like you fighting back now sounds like you rationalizing with that ocd voice thats great.

Not sure if it helps but I did a thing with my therapist and it helped me to separate the ocd from myself she asked me to visualize it as something have you seen the throat lozenges ad with weird purple fury looking creature in your throat tickling it. That probably makes no sense to you but I new the ad and thought it worked well could picture it as anything, she said to picture the ocd as that little creature in my head visualize tape over its mouth so it can't talk then visualize making it so small it disappears that didn't work for me so she then said visualize it in a box that worked and I do it regularly sounds so strange but it helped me to make my ocd feel like a separate part of me and easier to detach from and fight against. Picturing it as a small little funny critter also helped me to not take it so seriously helped take the power  away from it.

None of this probably makes any sense sorry not great at explaining things. Hope today is a better day for you

[Bluey_moon]

Hi Dean, 

 I wanted to check on you, see how you were getting on? 

Skye

[Bluey_moon]

Ci, 

it made a lot of sense, I've been trying it! 

How are you faring? 

[Dwwmills]

Hi Skye.

Thank you very much for checking on me I really appreciate it.

In many ways I’ve been lucky as the stroke only interfered with my vision. I have quite bad double vision which makes it impossible for me to work. The stroke occurred somewhere in the midbrain by the third cranial nerve which affects the muscles controlling my eye. This will hopefully improve over the next 2 to 3 months. I have to say it was quite a scary thing to have happen. Lying in the emergency department having people refer to you as the “Stroke Patient”.

My wife has been brilliant she has booked me in to see all sorts of specialists.

My GP is exceptional! He worked the system to get me in for scans and also ordered blood tests that the specialists would normally order so that the information was already on hand when I saw the specialists.

My anxiety and how I have dealt with it has been quite interesting. During the initial stages whilst I was distressed my anxiety was largely under control. In the initial stages we thought a stroke had been eliminated and it was caused by a blood supply problem to the third cranial nerve outside of the skull. This had a 95% chance of sorting itself out so the odds were good. On Monday when I was diagnosed with a stroke my anxiety went up as I was unsure of the outcome. Tuesday was pretty bad as well but this morning we saw an optometrist (who incidentally had a stroke similar and is doing fine now) who was extremely helpful in reassuring me that the outcome would be good. Whilst I don’t know how my situation will finish I now have a lot of the “What Ifs” answered. I think doing the CBT over the last couple of years has allowed me to live with this level of uncertainty whereas before any uncertainty would have been too much.

How are you going?

Cheers

Dean

[Agnetha]

You are not failure blueymoon. you sound like nice lady to me.

[Bluey_moon]

Hey Dean, 

I'm so happy that the future looks good as far as your outcome! I am also so thankful you are able to keep you anxiety under control! I have been so worried for you! 

I have my moments Dean, the morning seems especially hard, I'm in that new period where the meds are still starting to work! My doctor has given me some calming tabs for the meantime, which I worry about taking! I still have problems accepting I only have anxiety and not scizophrenia as I feared, but I have good days and can still function and stuff, so anxiety it is! 

Skye

[Bluey_moon]

Hey Dean, 

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? 

I also wanted to send big loves to your wife, I am sure it is so so hard for her to see you go through this!

skye

[Dwwmills]

Hi Skye.

I’m doing okay at the moment. I’m just finding it a bit frustrating as everything is slightly harder to do with only one eye working at a time.

I’ll let my wife know you sent your love. She is head of one of the allied health departments at a University and her knowledge has been very helpful. She comes along to the doctor’s appointments and ask questions I don’t think of so between the two of us we come away with quite a lot of the answers we need. She knows about my anxiety and deliberately ask questions that I don’t so I have the answers later to help prevent me from worrying. It’s been hard on my wife as well as she said to find time to take me to and from appointments. She’s also been fantastic as she keeps an eye on my stress levels and asked me what I’m worrying about and reminds me of the answers that the specialists have given us. It would be a very difficult thing to face alone but she has made it much easier to deal with.

Being faced with this new challenge has really highlighted for me what I worry about and what I need, to be able to stop worrying. For me it’s uncertainty or the fear of the unknown. I have a habit of filling in the gaps with the worst-case scenario. This time around though we have asked better questions of the health providers. Things like “I have had a stroke what are my chances of having a second one?” and “If my vision doesn’t improve from where it is now what can be done about it?”. By asking questions like this I don’t go home and worry about them later. I’ve also deliberately stayed off Google as I know this will only lead to me finding something to worry about. I’ve chosen to trust my health professionals but I’ve asked them loads and loads of questions. I know they don’t have all the answers but as long as I know some of the likely scenarios this helps prevent me worrying.  This is working for me at the moment who knows what it will be like in the future.

How are you going at the moment Skye?

Cheers

Dean

[Dwwmills]

Hi Skye.

I forgot to thank you for your posts on trusting professionals and highlighting the problems with googling answers to health questions. I think both of these posts have helped me immensely. I hadn’t realised until now but the fact that you had raised these topics have put these ideas in the forefront of my mind. I have been subconsciously acting on them and this is saved me a huge amount of anxiety. So thank you!

It just goes to show how helpful being part of a forum can be.

Cheers

Dean