Feeling Guilty for Standing Up

[Nimi]

Hi guys, I have been thinking about writing about this for a while and I am still very nervous to write it, but I figure I should at least give it a try. Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

A few weeks ago I had to do a very difficult thing. I had been feeling for a while that I was being treated without respect by a group of people whom I considered my friends. I really cared about them, and I still do, so it was incredibly hard to realise that I just felt so... uncomfortable. I am afraid of talking about this because I am scared of being harassed online by them if I am found, so I am going to be vague, I hope that's okay and not too confusing.

I have had moments of severe depression and occasional anxiety attacks throughout my life, where I cannot cope and needed to speak to my friends for support. I always did my best to offer an ear in return to support them as well, because I have many other friends that have been through some intensely difficult times and really needed an ear, or a shoulder and were occasionally a bit blunt or negative because they were sad. I can completely relate to that position and I have always tried my best to put myself in other people's shoes.

For at least a year though, I felt that something was terribly wrong. Like a gut feeling. I now see in hindsight that there were red flags everywhere, I was spoken to repeatedly in a passive-aggressive manner, blamed for things that were beyond my control and for not doing enough, insulted in front of friends (and my own family!) at a major event and when I asked numerous times what was happening, telling them that our friendship mattered to me and that I was lost... I was accused of being aggressive or confrontational. I felt like I was going crazy and I still feel like I am. I could not support them when I was feeling attacked like this, which they then continued to blame me for.

I am so confused and hurt even now. Did I deserve that because I had moments of weakness and needed help? I was constantly apologising, and if they had told me that I was annoying then I would have listened and taken it seriously because they really mattered to me. It's really awful that as soon as I stood up and left I began to receive harassing texts accusing me of being passive-aggressive and a liar. I just felt so crazy hearing that. I stopped to think... did all the times I was trying to be genuine not matter? Was I not doing my best? Had I been making it up?

Thank you for reading.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

firstly, the possibility of someone you know coming here and finding your story, reading your story and identifying you or themselves is quite low. Though with with what you have been through I can understand your concern. This space is expected to be a place where users support each other and are non-judgemental towards each other.

That said, many (?) of us and for different reasons may not go into the nitty-gritty details which includes myself and that is also why I see a psychologist on a regular basis.

I am unsure of what happened recently but it would seem that you and your friends clashed over something. If I go from the title I would expect that you did something your friends did not expect and stood up for yourself? There are times when we need to be assertive - in fact, that was also something which my psychologist gave me for homework.

Aside from your your friends is there anyone else you can can talk to about this to get another perspective?

How are relations between you and your friends? Would you be able to able to talk to them and renew the friendships? Or would that be too difficult?

I also think that you were doing your best, and not making anything up.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Doolhof]

Hi Nimi,

I too welcome you to the community here.

Am I right in thinking that you stood up for yourself and this has hurt other people's feelings and they treated you differently because of that?

Sometimes when we stand up for ourselves, other people don't know how to react as they feel like they no longer have control of the situation. This may happen subconsciously.

Hopefully you can look at what has happened, realise it is not your fault and not your doing. Sometimes relationships have misunderstandings.

You are not responsible for how others react and act towards you. That is a hard thing to learn. I am still working on that myself.

I'm in a new work place. I am trying to fit in and trying to be supportive of others. It is not always easy when you are willing to be nice but some are rude in return for no reason I can fathom.

The best thing I can do is to try and let go of the hurts, tell myself I am okay and I am safe and try to be the best person I can be with what ever is going on around me.

If I am off track here, then please feel comfortable to let me know.

Kind regards from Dools

[Nimi]

Hi Tim,

Thank you so much for the reassurance, I was perhaps a bit too vague because I was scared, but I feel a lot better thanks to your kind words. I really appreciate it. Thank you for being so understanding and supportive.

You are right, yeah. I left a group of friends that I really felt were not respecting me or my feelings. It came to a head when I was openly insulted in front of a large group of people, and I decided that I really had to be more assertive and say that this was not okay. I had previously been too scared to do it more directly.

I have never had to stand up to a group of friends like that and say so directly that I could not be a part of it anymore. I know in my gut that this was the right thing to do, looking back on it I know this was a toxic friendship for me, but I still feel so terrible and guilty after the way they responded to my honesty had made me feel like I was being unfair for having self-respect! It made me doubt myself and I am still struggling with it. We are no longer on speaking terms unfortunately.

Yes! I am seeing a therapist at the moment to help deal with this anxiety, and I have spoken to others to get a second opinion too which has really helped ground me again despite anxiety doing its best to keep bringing up memories of things I could have done sooner, or better.

I hope that you are doing okay Tim and thank you again, also good luck with that homework! I will try my best too! Being assertive is so tough but I believe in you as well!

Nimi

[Nimi]

Hi Dools, thank you so much for the warm welcome and the response!

Yes, you are right. When I stood up for myself and said what had hurt me, they also told me about things I had done/not done that had hurt them. This was hard to take, but I did my best to put myself in their shoes because they really mattered to me! It was very hard, because some of those things actually had nothing to do with me, so I did my best to be honest with them and apologise for the things that I actually had done, whilst also stand up for myself. They however did not apologise at all to me. It was absolutely heartbreaking. After reading your advice though, I can see that they must have felt intimidated too.

Thank you for the wonderful advice, I will definitely try to keep in mind that we aren't responsible for how people react and act towards us. Starting out at a new work place is intimidating too! It sounds like you are really doing your best, and it is a shame that sometimes if people are having a bad day or something that they may inadvertently take it out on you.

"The best thing I can do is to try and let go of the hurts, tell myself I am okay and I am safe and try to be the best person I can be with what ever is going on around me." This sounds like a wonderful thing to do, a very healthy way of continuing on in the day without letting hurts affect you or start to spiral! Thank you so much for sharing this piece of advice, I will definitely not forget it.

I wish you all the best at your new workplace! I am sure that your support means mountains to people, because it meant a lot to me. Thank you,

Nimi.

[therising]

Hi Nimi

You should feel incredibly proud of yourself. Massive breakthrough - to be someone who keeps quiet, amidst hurt for so long, to become someone who stands up amidst a moment of great self-esteem. It can be a pretty overwhelming feeling. It can really shake us up.

Personally, I'm someone who's very sensitive to how I feel, literally. I seek to understand the various feelings in my body when they arise. One thing I discovered that fascinated me was how similar the sensations of a rise to anger, a rise to courage and a rise to fear (anxiety) are. While they all relate to different mindsets, they all typically take the same sensational physical course throughout our body. While you may have felt incredibly anxious before your moment of intense self expression, it sounds like you changed your mind and let this feeling raise you to courage, instead of fear. By the way, anger can be a great motivator at times.

What also makes this a monumental moment in your life involves the discovery of self love. You loved yourself enough to say 'No more!' This is a very emotional moment.

One of my favourite books is 'The Six Pillars of Self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. The 6 pillars: The practice of living consciously, practice of self-acceptance, practice of personal responsibility, practice of self-assertiveness, practice of personal integrity and the practice of living purposefully. Sounds like you found all of these things in that moment. The practice aspect involves our ability to practice moments of healthy self-esteem until we come to naturally love our self without a doubt.

A confronting question worth asking is 'What or who are you prepared to let go of in life in order to maintain self love?' For me, 'Just about anyone/anything'. Have come a very long way from my years in depression, to be able to answer this with such commitment. Always a journey for us to get to this point.

It definitely pays to identify the energetic sensations in our body. I know, sounds a little weird but it has proved helpful for me. If someone who proclaims to love me causes me hurt, I will feel a very slight heavyness around my heart area. I regard this as feeling 'heavy hearted'. I will resolve the issue, through self-esteem practices, so as to feel 'light hearted', at peace. If I sense what feels like anxiety coursing up, I'll ask 'What is this feeling asking me to do?' The answer is often 'Be fearless'. Observing the sensations within is always an interesting exercise.

🙂

[Nimi]

Thank you so much therising! Sorry it took me a while to respond!

I'm going to have to check out "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem", that sounds like a wonderful book! I'm sorry I don't quite have the words right now to express my thanks, but I really appreciate your support and kind words. I feel so much stronger already! Your advice is really uplifting.

To hear that you have been through this journey is really inspiring. Sending you all the best and wishing you well,

Nimi.

[Doolhof]

Hi Nimi,

Just want to send you some words of encouragement to keep trying.

There may be moments or days in your life when you feel like you are taking a step backwards, that is okay, use some of the techniques and ideas that have helped you, tell yourself you are okay and you will find ways to move on again.

Hope you are having a nice weekend despite the world being a little crazy right now.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Nimi]

Hi dools!

Thank you so much. It has been quite hard and I have had a few days where I feel overwhelmed by hurt and confusion, but I feel like each day I am also discovering more about myself and what I am capable of.

I hope that your new workplace has been treating you well! I really appreciate the kind words again, it really cheered me up a few days ago when I was struggling to cope. Sending you lots of love and strength too!

Nimi

[Doolhof]

Hi Nimi,

Thanks for your kind words. I was very busy at work over Easter which was lovely. The days flew by. I am not sure what to expect this weekend, time will tell.

I'm not sure how you are feeling with the Covid-19 stuff happening. I am learning that some friends are happy to keep in touch and others aren't. I have decided everyone needs to deal with this stuff in their own way. Some people whom I expected to keep in touch have withdrawn.

Today I didn't achieve any where near as much as I had thought I might and that is okay. I can try again tomorrow.

I feel it is important to acknowledge our thoughts, accept it when they are depressing and find ways to move on when we can.

Wishing you a good day tomorrow! Me too! I might try and phone a few people.

Cheers for now from Dools