Feeling extremely anxious when parents fight

[Susanna4568]

Hi there,

I've posted here a few times but am still relatively new so I hope I'm posting this in the right thread 🙂

I'm in my twenties; however, I still feel highly anxious whenever my parents fight. My parents work long hours (they're shift workers) so they are often exhausted and stressed, and tend to take out these feelings on each other. Although I know that their fights don't involve me, that they aren't my fault, and that I should just stay out of it, I still feel really upset and anxious whenever they argue (even though I don't get involved). I almost always end up crying and panicking, and I feel so anxious/unhappy that it takes me a few hours to calm down and re-focus on whatever it is I want to do (eg. uni work). I worry so much that my breathing is impacted and I have to try and calm myself down.

I don't know if it's because they argued a lot when I was a kid and therefore their fights trigger the same emotions in me now as an adult.

I would also like to point out that my parents are very supportive of me and they always apologise to me (and each other) afterwards, but I still seem to feel very distressed every time it happens.

If anyone could give me some advice, or if anyone has experienced the same thing and just wants to reply, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you!

[james1]

Hey Susanna4568,

I'm sorry to hear that your parents continue to fight and it causes so much stress for you.

I used to live in a very unhappy family and I know the feeling very well. It's absolutely dreadful and, as you say, takes a few hours for me to re-focus. As you have said, it's not your fault at all but it is still very distressing to be in that situation. From what I understand, your parents know the effect it has on you but maybe the behaviour is very entrenched and they can't stop it.

If getting them to stop isn't an option (and it often isn't, sadly) the best we can do is find out how to get ourselves out of that kind of situation. I actually don't think it's really possible to be unaffected by two people, let alone our parents, arguing inside the house. It creates a really horrible atmosphere to be in. Is there anywhere you can go when they do have a fight? Either just for an hour or two, or even to stay a night? Perhaps an understanding friend's place?

For me, I could never stop them fighting and once dad moved out, it then became a matter of having those same feelings taken out on me. While this doesn't sound like it's a worry of yours, I mention it because it felt quite similar to me and I found being out of the house, with friends, one of the best remedies. It can be tough at night though, and I did on a few occasions just go drive to a maccas at midnight for a few hours. Not much of a place to rest, but neither was home apparently!

Sorry, not sure if that was helpful at all... but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone. If you have the opportunity to move out one day, that also helps immensely!

James

[HappyHelper88]

hello Susanna4568, thankyou for your post and welcome,

Sorry to hear what your going through and being around fighting often can cause stress and can cause you to be on high alert
Because of this your stress hormones would be quite high from exposure to frequent stress
I can see this is really affecting you
It definitely could be a trigger from childhood from when they used to fight

Thats good your parents are supportive but they are really affecting you, Have you ever explained to them how their fighting has impacted you because maybe if they realised they realised how damaging it has been to you they could manage it better!

I do have similar experiences and would like to share that being around this much stress often is draining and can start to have negative long term effects the longer you are exposed

I really recommend you speak to someone about this like a psychologist or consellor.
Alternatively If you would like to talk to us, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support and advice

[Banksy92]

Hi Susanna4568,

I think no matter what age we get to, it's really distressing to see our loved ones fight. So I think it's understandable ho you feel. You may also be very right, that it's a triggered response from your childhood.

I have a similar response from my family who was always in horrendous arguments through my childhood, Now if people raise their voice at me I cannot help but break down and cry. I've worked with my psychologist to identify it as a childhood behaviour I haven't let go of. It's a work in progress but I've come a long way to manage it.

It's great to hear your parents at least apologise afterwards, so they have some awareness about its impact on you. Have you considered having a conversation with them to explain in more detail the impact it's having on you? I think it's always good to be as open and honest as possible.

Also, am I right in assuming you live with your parents? If this is true, are you able to explore other arrangements to give yourself some space from their stress and relationship?

Hope to hear from you.

[Susanna4568]

Dear james1, thank you so much for your reply! I think you are right, my parents definitely know how much it affects me, but it's not something they can completely stop. I also like the idea of visiting friends or getting out the house for a little but just to spend some time away whilst they argue it out. Than you again for your reply. It really helped me put things into perspective, and it's also nice to know that I'm not alone. I really appreciate it 🙂

Dear HappyHelper88, thank you very much for your response! I really relate to the stress hormone idea. Being around people constantly fighting is honestly pretty exhausting and makes me feel emotionally tired. I will speak to my parents about it soon! I'm also hoping to revisit my psychologist and discuss it with them. Thank you again for your reply! 🙂

Dear Banksy92, thank you so much for replying! Sorry to hear that you have been through a similar thing. I am also hoping to visit my psychologist and discuss this with her as I definitely believe it is a childhood response that I haven't worked through yet. Thank you again for your reply! It is very much appreciated! 🙂

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. My parents used to fight so much when they were together as well, I know it can be very upsetting. Now that they are apart everything is better and everyone is happier. Not saying they should break up, that depends on many factors, but this is just my experience with it.

Is there any way you can talk to them about how the fights make you feel? If not, would you be open to seeing a professional to talk to about what is going on at home?

I feel for you and want you to know I have been there. You will be okay.

Stay strong,

Jaz.

[YorkeYorke]

Hi Susanna,

I remember a lot of yelling in the house as a kid too. Its such a hard situation to deal with.

There wasn't much I could do at the time unfortunately but when I was 20 I moved out of my father's house to live with my mother full-time, which was a big part of moving past the trauma.

Now both my parents are far more calm, and I'm also better at putting boundaries in. And because I'm older, I'm able to remove myself from any situations like this more easily, which I couldn't do as a kid.

I find yelling easily triggers me now too.

It sounds like you're going through a few different challenging things at the moment based on your other post too so I'm wishing you all the very best

[quirkywords]

Susanna

Thanks for your honest post thank have related to hear and many will read and not post will be able to relate to your words.
You have been given such great support here from the replies.

Other posters in your position will get help from this thread.