Feeling Broken

[Cybert]

First time here and first time in my life I have felt the way I do at the moment. I am just wondering though what people do when the help options open to them are small and ultimately can't help solve the situation.

I am middle aged and always had to care for my mum since I was 16 years of age, she is a perfectly functioning adult but NCD (Narcisist) to the core and has manipulated my life to a point where I have no friends or indeed anyone left in my life. I am 100% isolated and alone and at her mercy. She is a very nasty woman but for some reason I just feel compelled to keep looking out for her. 

Everyone says set boundaries, but if you have ever dealt with a person like this you know that can be almost impossible. 

I now have major anxiety and depression going on from both home and work issues where once I mentioned I cared for an elderly person they work turned on me and tried to get me to resign. They are still pushing me to get out which is just adding to the stresses.

I have an elderly dog who is my world who is also getting sick and I am constantly (like 24/7) watching him as he is about all I have left.

I am just at that point of wanting to walk away from it all and start a new life. But I know I will take guilt with me that I am unsure I could live with and even then I have no idea how I would afford to start again and be safe.

So back to the question. Does anyone know who you turn to for help on the basics to just get through another day at a time?

[white knight]

hi, welcome

I felt compelled to respond to your post. As a community champion we have lived experience as well we have members here that might be able to relate.

I'm 68yo brought up in a city with a domineering mother and placid wonderful father. I joined the AirForce at 17yo to "get away" from the toxic environment but alas in my 20's returning to that city marked the return of my mothers narcissistic ways. My older brother suicided at 26yo, my younger sister was stuck to my mothers apron strings even after she married a guy and of course was convinced to live with our parents. That was until 27yo when a huge fallout meant my sister left the family- everyone that had communication with our mother was cut off for 7 years- she, hubby and then 2 toddlers lived 2500km away. My mother ruined my 1st marriage a few days before the event, rang around slandering me with lies, they eventually all attended but it was a dismal affair. In 1989 I went 12 months without contacting her. My father wouldnt see me even though my 1st wife and I had a newborn. His loyalty was her greatest asset so I returned to them.  Each time she wouldnt discuss the issues so nothing ever resolved. By this time she was a master at triangulation, pitting 2 loved ones against each other. 

In 2011 only 2 years from retiring on mental health grounds she threatened to ruin my 2nd wedding. I had no choice but to get a court order to keep her away. The wedding went VG but I lost several relatives to this day. "How dare you do that to a 79yo defenceless woman".. she had them on a string. Even the judge didnt accept my desires nor her viciousness. But I was awarded the AVO.

A friend of mine suggested I google Queen witch hermit waif. I was then reading the 4 characters that made up my mother. The queen owns you, the witch will revenge you, the hermit will deny you with her love and the waif will cry to others from your cruelty with the aim of getting them to be her agent. Amazing read.

I had no choice but to make the hard decision never to see her again. 13 years and she is 93yo and I will never grant her the pleasure of my tail between my legs.

Sadly my sister who had stuck by me for those 13 years ended up acting the same way. Trying to triangulate me against my daughter. My D has severe PTSD, bipolar like me etc So the decision made 3 years ago to remove her from my life and in true form learnt from mother, she convinced her daughters now 31 and 33yo to cut contact with us. So we lost 2 neices. I challenged her "did you ever say to your daughters not to get involved with this conflict"? .."no" was her answer so intent was to create family carnage.

I now live a narc free life. No one with those tendencies lasts long with me and I can say I'm so happy.

Please, I'm here to chat more, often daily or more often, type away. I'm here to help you protect yourself

TonyWK

[Cybert]

So after a few years of a super toxic workplace that has caused me off the scale depression and anxiety and made me review a lot of my life they finally nailed the coffin and made me redundant. All whilst I wait and fight them on workcover to get some psychologist sessions paid for.

So they win, they have finished me off and got me out the way.

Retrospectively though I also care for my elderly mother who is a narcissit to the core and I am only now seeing how much damage she has also done to me over the years.

I literally have no one left in my life except her and I only just (47years on) have come to the realisation this was her plan along the way.

So out of work, stuck in a tocxic house hold, unable to afford help and genuinely struggling to get through.

I am not looking to be "fixed" or even get coping skills but I am desperate for someone who understands and to connect and be told I am right.

When the whole world is shutting down helping you it seems so easy to doubt if what I am feeling is real, even when I know it is horrendous.

[Cybert]

Hi TonyWK

I am super sorry for not replying. I only just kinda realised how this thing works.

I am in a reasonably bad place mentally so I tend to have a bad day and need to chat and then I just tell myself i am fine and that I was overreacting so I dont come back to check these things till I am down again.

It is really refreshing to read your message there as it is fairly textbook on my mother and family. My mother got rid of my father when she was in hospital having me as a baby and I never knew him. She managed to keep him away my entire life till last year when I got a private dectective to locate him and try and put some more history together.

It is amazing how much damage these people can do in your life but for me I am stuck looking after her at the moment, making it all even harder.

I only came to the realisation what was going on when my workplace turned toxic and effectively narcissitic as well. And then the light bulb moment kind of happened for me. Since then it has all been down hill for me. As they say ignorance is bliss and I think I should have stayed ignorant to it all. Now I know I struggle with it all that I was used my entire life by her.

Now redundant from work as their final insult so things are not great to put it simply.

I just keep breaking down a lot lately but I am genuinely struggling to connect with someone who can "understand" me. I think what I am really looking for is someone to tell me I am not wrong..... but you know how hard that can be to find.

[white knight]

But you're not wrong and I'm not feeding your wants to make you feel good. If your haven't googled - queen witch hermit waif  , that i mentioned please do. 

The child if a narcissist and children of a parent with dome mental illnesses, can suffer their own mental health problems or disorders as adults. 

I'd strongly advise pursuing your issues with a professional medical practitioner to enable you to thrown several bags of rocket in the river. Offload them. 

TonyWK 

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

You're right that being around narcissists is very draining, exhausting, damaging and can affect our whole life. That you're still managing to take care of your mum is very commendable, it does take a strong person to do that. I couldn't do it myself as it was way too much to handle.

There is a number of stories here that might help you to understand what is going on and make it a bit easier to deal with. I think that it really helps to create some life outside of the household. Focusing on hobbies, interests or finding new ones and then joining social groups with the same interests can help a lot. It could even be just walking groups or any other groups to remind ourselves that not everyone is like that. There are good people out there and once you recharge, just their presence can help you to create the life you deserve.

It's not easy so if you need any help or just to share your story, we're here

[Cybert]

Hi TrueSeeker,

Thanks for the reply. If things were not as bad as they are at the moment I think you are totally right in saying get out and about a bit more. At the moment the magic of the world has me house bound due to a lot of reasons so that can be challenging.

I jumped on here to find some people in like situations who can understand.

Having run out of cash for a psychologist and basically having no one to talk to it is very easy to start to doubt what you know is the truth. Suddenly I am angry at myself, which till now I never was, and that is bothering me a lot. All I have done in life is try to look after others and be treated fairly, but it is amazing how you end up used and discarded.

[Cybert]

Hey TonyWK

I did check it out and she fits into a lot of the buckets to be honest. But the one thing that stands out with my mother is her complete lack of empathy for anyone. She was always the type of mother who told you to suck it up and get on with it. But at the same time her problems were the end of the world and everyone had to stop and listen.

Recently as things have got worse for me and I sometimes do break down, she will simply say I can't understand I have always been stronger than this so I can try and listen but thats about all I can do 

It's a lot when she has me completely isolated and has managed to move on everyone in my life. The only person I see or interact with is her and thats the level of support I get. 

That aside, lets be honest, being pushed out my job etc is also a LOT to process at the moment.

I dont understand how you try your best for everyeone for so long, they use you and then disgard you. I don't get that as it is not how I could even think to treat a person.

I know my mum is slowly "killing me" and has already killed any "me" that there once was, yet it still breaks me to think of moving her on and making her fend for herself.

Its all sad really hey.

[TrueSeeker]

You've done the best you could given your situation, it's not your fault being born into this environment. I understand how easy it is to get stuck in a bad situation thinking that the whole world is like that. It is not, there are good people out there that do appreciate others and they are definitely worth being around. It takes some time to find them and trust them but it's definitely worth the effort. It's ok to let yourself to process things and recharge. Maybe trying to focus on the big picture might help.

You do deserve good things in your life, please be nice to yourself and let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it

[HometoHeart_3]

Thank you for sharing so openly. It really does sound incredibly heavy. Not just what you’re carrying now, but what’s been building for a long time. The way you've described your mother’s lack of empathy and emotional invalidation feels deeply painful, especially when you’re already isolated and trying to cope with so much loss and change. It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed and hurt.

This line says so much: knowing someone is harming you, yet still feeling broken at the thought of stepping away. That’s such a complex kind of love and grief.

I’ve felt that kind of conflict of love and grief before too....the kind where you feel a deep sense of responsibility, where you tell yourself you "should' love them because they’re family. But that “should” can become a trap when it keeps us in places that slowly erase who we are.

If you’re okay with me asking... in an ideal world, what outcome would you want from your current situation? Not what feels possible right now, but what your heart quietly hopes for? Sometimes just naming your truth, even if only to yourself, can be a really powerful step forward.