Feel a bit lost and uncertain... Dealing with Social Anxiety and Bullies?

[Arrie97]

I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment. I always knew I had some form of social anxiety, ever since I was a small child. I couldn't bring myself to even say hello to an adult stranger, even in the company of my family. I learnt to overcome that on my own as I grew older, but still suffer from thoughts and feelings and anxieties in social situations. Often I watch everything I say, as to make sure I don't upset the other person or make them "hate" me as I think of it. I also tend to analyse them, and as soon as they say something I see as a threat to me (anything from a type of interest they have that I see as negative, to criticising me in some small way), I immediately put them into the "bad" pile of people. Nothing seems to be good and bad, it's always either good or bad. I've come to see this as a problem, noticing I don't really have a lot of friends, and that my husband doesn't react this way (I see him as quite mentally healthy). I also tend to go over my social interactions in the day over and over again, thinking on what I said wrong or what the other person may have meant by saying this or that - so much so that people often get annoyed with this behaviour if I sound board on them. I've come to believe I may have Avoidant Personality Disorder. I think my mother may have it too, as I see a lot of what I do in her (she also suffers from depression). The problem I have is that my family keep bullying me and picking on me for being socially awkward or too sensitive (or anything they see as wrong and not like them) - I've asked my husband whether me getting upset about this is just my oversensitivity, but he says it's not, that there is something wrong with my family. I think there's a possibility that some of my siblings and father have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (mental illness runs in my family), as I find they tend to bully you until you get confused, question yourself and just agree with them - especially when you do not share a belief or lifestyle choice with them. I feel so alone in this though - although my husband believes me that something is wrong, many people outside the family think I'm just an attention seeker or that I'm overreacting about how bad they are. I sometimes question if there's something wrong with me and whether they are normal, but feel in my gut it's not right. I always end up crying in there company, not knowing why, like they had just manipulated me somehow.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I believe this has been going on since I was a child... how do I get them to see that I'm not just weak and that I actually have a problem?

[JessF]

Hello Arrie, I think in the first instance that you should concentrate on overcoming your social anxiety purely for the betterment of your own life, and not to prove a point to your family. It sounds like they have their own issues, and if they're not willing to recognise that they're upsetting you, then I would be limiting my time with them until you are feeling in a stronger position.

In your post you have pointed out a number of different anxious thinking styles that would be very well helped by going to see a psychologist or a therapist, I recognise them because I have had these too.  The putting of things into good and bad categories and not seeing shades of grey is called "black or white thinking".  The constant going over of things and situations is called "rumination".  Plus of course the fear of being judged by others for everything you might be saying or doing, I believe this is called "mind reading" because you are making an assumption about what people are thinking without any evidence of their actual thoughts.   Does this sound right?

[Arrie97]

Thank you for your reply JessF - that definitely does sound right. I have thought a lot about it in the past week, and am making the big and daunting decision to go see a GP to organise a referral. I'm very nervous about this though because I find it so hard to talk to people that aren't close to me about these problems and I'm so afraid of being rejected or judged (talking online feels less personal and more anonymous).

I do feel like my issues with social anxiety make me an easy target for my family and people like them, so I am trying to limit contact with them. I hope one day I can let whatever they say to me slide off my back without hurting me deeply. 

Have you found that psychology has helped you with your anxious thinking? I never knew these things had specific names. It worries me that I'll never be normal, but I guess I have to at least try.

Thank you for your reply again - it means a lot to me.

[Vanilla5]

Hi Arrie

I could be out of line here, and perhaps am way off course; but have you considered the possibility that you may have Asperger's Syndrome? I myself have this, and see much of myself in your words. I too have family members with NPD, and so understand that hardship as well.

Should you wish to investigate this possibility further, keep in mind that females with AS presents differing symptoms to males with AS (sorry, I assume you are female, as you mentioned a husband). 

You can try googling various articles by searching for 'females with Asperger's Syndrome'. Furthermore, there are online communities for people with AS that you're very welcome to join.

Vanilla

[white knight]

Dear Arrie,  The other replies nipped most of it in the bud.  I jsut would like to mention one topic- "foot in mouth"

I used to wonder why foot in mouth followed me where ever I went. I got into trouble regularly.  Then I sought help for my mental issues in 2003 ans read a few books about my troubles.  In one book "foot in mouth" was mentioned I think with ADHD.  Nevertheless if someone has a mental illness some other mental illnesses cross over- -blend.  So one could suffer issues of another illness when diagnosed with just one.

I was initially diagnoses with ADHD and Bipolar1 then a few years later bipolar2, dysthymia, anxiety and depression.  But these diagnosis did alert me to the many behaviour actions that made me bang my head on a brick wall so to speak.  It can also reflect cognitive deficiency. Hence some will think you are immature with your remarks. 

So "foot in mouth" as part of your social restrictions is common for some.  At least this means you are not alone.   good luck

[Arrie97]

Thank you white knight and Vanilla5 for your responses. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Vanilla5 - I did some research on Aspergers (something I am very unfamiliar with) and do understand where you are coming from. A lot of the symptoms seem to match me. I laughed a bit when I saw the jumping around and singing when happy part, because I certainly do that at times. I do often feel emotionally overloaded too, like I have overwhelming sadness or anger and can get very passionate over injustices, done towards myself or others. I'm unsure if I have any obsessions, but like the research mentioned, this could be less noticeable in girls. I also tend to escape into shows and books, and had imaginary friends as a child (I'm a writer too.)

However, I'm not sure the sensory symptoms suit me and I'm unsure I have the symptom of "shutting down" when overloaded in social situations (though I'm unsure of what this might mean?). However, I find that a lot of my symptoms I have normalised, believing everyone has them, only to realise it's not very normal, so it's possible I have sensory issues. Maybe if you give me some examples of your own symptoms involving the senses, I can see if this relates more to me?

I also have considered Bipolar (type 2), as I find that I do have mood swings that I find hard to control, but since Bipolar mood swings are more infrequent (days, weeks or months) I don't think I have it. However, I came upon some information about Borderline Personality Disorder and feel like I may actually have that instead - it suits all of my symptoms. Though I won't rule Aspergers out just yet - I am seeing a psychologist soon and hopefully they will be able to diagnose what I have. 

white knight - It certainly is confusing with all these illnesses seeming so similar and overlapping so much. I do find I have "foot in mouth" at times - especially when nervous in social situations. 

From further research though, I find it less likely now that I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder and can't wait now for the psychologist to diagnose me because I am seriously wanting to know what is wrong. I also find I do miss social cues at times, but not all the time, so this Aspergers suggestion does throw a spanner in the works for me. (I sometimes think what am I supposed to say or do in this situation and can't think through the problem myself, but instead need someone to tell me - is this common Vanilla5?)

Thank you for replying though and I hope you are both doing well in your search for mental health!