fear of everything & getting worse

[jacques]

I have had high anxiety and depression for all of my life, and have suffered severe anxiety and depression for the past 13 years.  I was only able to go to TAFE after I finished year 12 for a few days per week and for the past 7 years I have been locked inside my home, the only time leaving home for medical appointments and my early morning walk.  I am unable to answer the telephone or answer the front door, even for family or friends.

I have not had any contact with friends since 2002, and very little contact with family (once a year for two relatives and the others no contact in 8 years). And I have never had a girlfriend because I would not like to inflict my problems on a potential girlfriend, like I have done to my mother.  I have many times brought her to tears because a friend or relative just wanted to say hello to me.

The last time I had a social outing was when I was 19, I am now 32, I have spent all of my 20's locked inside my house in fear, and it looks like I am going to spend all of my 30's living in fear as well.

My life has been destroyed for the past 7 years because I have been unable to get any centrelink payments. I applied for disability support but was deemed as having “no problems” and I am unable to apply for new start allowance because I would be required to look for work and complete work for the dole which I am unable to do because I can't leave the house.

My mother has been kind enough to give me some money $35.00 per fortnight for food, electricity and a monthly magazine and she supplies me with a $20.00 pair of shoes per year for my morning walk.

Friends and relatives do not understand that I am emotionally and financially unable to leave the house, trying to get them to understand I have social anxiety and have to ration my shoes as so not to ware them out before the end of the year is difficult if not impossible to explain.

I have several panic attacks per day and am unable to sleep at night, if I do want to sleep I have to tire myself out to the point of exhaustion just to get a few hours sleep.

I have not had a night away from home since 1994 because I suffer greatly from separation anxiety, I don't think it is being away from my parents but being away from the family home.  I feel so ashamed  not being able to be away from the house overnight or get a job like everyone else is able to do.

Every morning I wake up I try to think of a reason to keep going on, my life has steadily gotten worse over the past 13 years, I have tried medication to control the anxiety but it only works to control the anxiety while I am at home and doesn’t have much effect when out in public.

The only reason I have not committed suicide yet is because my mother relies on me to maintain the house.  Because she has to give me what little she has (she is on widows allowance $520 per fortnight) she has little money to spend on trades persons.  The way my mother has to live because of me gives me great anxiety and guilt she has gone without a refrigerator for 4 years and without a hot water system for 1 year (the hot water system has recently been replaced by kind relatives).

 My condition worries my mother, and I fear I have destroyed her life like I have mine.  Sometimes I wonder if she would be better off If I did die, at least she would have money and be able to invite people around without having to worry how I will react to them.

She is unable to leave the house too as she has no spare money because she has to give that money to me.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[sos54]

Hello Jacque

You have taken a great step coming here as you should not have these worries. I know how exhausting it is and the added worry of your mother would be very difficult. I am sure you are getting more help here but just wanted to say there is hope in all of your problems. I am a family member of someone just like you although he is a little younger. I message him regularly on the internet and see him a few times a year.

You should talk further to services re Centrelink as from what you say I would feel you should be eligible for disability payments of some kind as my nephew has. depending on your circumstances of course there may even be some eligibility for a carer allowance for you or your mother. Definitely continue to follow this up. There are many groups that cold also assist you with things like a refrigerator so ask to be referred to some or ask locally at lifeline or red cross.If it is too difficult for you to go out ring them. Don't be afraid to ask for help there are many people who want to give it.

As a mother I can tell you that you have not destroyed your mothers life. I am sure you have bought her great pleasure and now you are also of assistance to her and while she may worry about you it would also be reassuring to her to have you there.

 Do your other family members the ones who visit you occasionally know of your issues ? It would be great if you were able to have support from them as well. I know it is hard and easier not to talk about it and i have had people in the past say 'you just need to get out more ' but they are the unsupportive ones. You need to surround yourself with people who are positive.

It is great that you do a morning walk. Do you have hobbies you enjoy ? Filling your life with things you love to do is great therapy and a great way to keep your find focused  It does sound like you have been fighting this long enough and if you are not sleeping and having attacks every day time to take a step forward with the support here. There are many options now to help you and perhaps your mother would be a support in helping you as that would give her something positive to focus on as well.

Take care of yourself and please just take a step forward even if it is a small- it gets much easier.

[jacques]

hi sos54,

i have spoken to centrelink about disability support and they said that i do not fit the criteria  for dissability support and i do not even fit the criteria for sickness allowance.  so any chance i have of helping mum out with bills and other expences i cost mum.

i have never seen or spoken to my fathers family as the have never wanted anything to do with my father or his mother. and my mothers family are long distances away and are aware of my condition but find it difficult to say anything about it, not to mention there children (my cousins) are all getting married and having children of their own.  so they are more focused on them (as they should be) but they all do worry about mum and myself.

i do have hobbies but for the past couple of years i can't concentrate for any longer that  2-3 minutes and often just give up on doing anything because of the lack of concentration, most of the days now are literally sitting in one room of the house staring at the wall wondering when all of this misery will come to an end.

i have tried all of the recommended treatments for anxiety and depression ie. exercise, CBT  but  i have found the more i go out the more anxious i become, and the more depressed as the world has changed so much around me and i often see articles in my rural news paper of people i went to school with and they have nice cars and own their own homes and i can't even afford to buy my own clothes,  come to think of it in 32 years of life i do not own a single thing...

there is support at my local doctors surgery and i have tried a couple of psychologists but felt as if they think i am putting the anxiety and depression on to get disability support.  so i gave up on that about a year and a half ago.

thankyou for letting me know i am not the only one out there like this.

i am almost out of my internet allowance and do not know when i will be able to get more so if i do not respond you know why, but when i get the chance to be on it again i will come back to beyond blue forums