Fear of death is crippling me

[Mary4670]

I was raised in a strict Christian household but rejected my religious upbringing as a teenager. For many years I have considered myself agnostic. Rejecting religion was difficult for my family who continue to encourage me to return to it. This is something I simply can't do. I've been through a few traumas in my life but nothing that many people before me haven't experienced.  Eg sexual abuse as a child, infidelity, divorce. I have been stoic through any trials that come my way and most people would tell you I appear calm and collected. Over the past 6 months however, my fear of death (not particularly just mine but the death of those around me) has plagued me. My parents are elderly and I am a single parent. I'm horrified and heartbroken at the thought of their death. My parents will die soon and while most people would be very sad but appreciative of their long life, I am bereft. I spend hours in tears at the thought they might die. The idea of burying them and having them decay and rot in the ground terrifies me. I know they believe they will go to a beautiful place and be with their loved ones in heaven but all I see is decaying flesh and their bodies being consumed by insects. Lately I have been thinking that once my children move on with their lives and leave there may be no further point in living for me. My mind has turned to how I might carry that out. I have friends, interests and a good career, but none of this seems to help. The thought that something might happen to my children also paralyses me with fear. I could never bury my children and go on living. I know rationally that there is no reason for this to happen but I watch the news and see tragedy everywhere. Why should I be exempt? I see people go to family funerals and be extremely sad, but I break down at the thought of people dying that I don't even know. When I think of going to my own parent's funeral I am uncontrollably heartbroken and it saps my will to live. I'm afraid that when the day comes that I have to bury a parent that I will reach breaking point. I am not someone who ever falls apart publicly, but I can feel this coming like a wave that's about to crash and drown me.

[white knight]

Hi Mary4670,  welcome to BB forum.

Reading you post I think you have what everyone has, but in more abundance.  Fear of what humans have feared ever since we evolved from apes or Adam and Eve if one believes that way- death or grief of a loved one passing.

I think I was a little towards your fear when younger. My then wife told me "you should look at death as a part of life". Boy, that was hard to see that, but every now and then I think about that comment and think about animals killed on the road or by nature and realsie that we are here only once so we should, to maintain a healthy mind, try to live our lives as happily as possible while we are here.

Sounds easy eh, not so. Any mindset has implications. I would suggest a visit to your GP and an appropriate referral. Counseling would be beneficial. That's my unqualified opinion for you must seek to get this fear in proper proportion.

Death is a tough one. It all doesnt makes sense to me and hasnt made sense to mankind either. We have over 5000 religions in this world and all followers believer their religion is the "right" one. Hogwash I say. But thats my spiritual beliefs and in effect, admittedly, it is a religion in itself maybe 5001?.  But whatever, when you die there is no further use of the human body so regardless how its disposed of our minds are unaware of its existence and therefore your fears about its condition under the ground isnt rational.

I hope this helps. And I hope you seek some professional guidance, for we all need it sometimes. Life can be wonderful, an incredible experience. My ex wife also told me once- "you will never appreciate life as you should until you watch a flower bloom from start to finish".  She was right.

[Depression_or_True_Awaren]

Hey mary. While I don't know exactly what your going through, I can promise you that I can understand and relate so much that it will shock you. First off, are you ok?? Please respond asap so I know your still alive.

Telling someone that their reason for not wanting to live anymore isn't good enough, that they just need to stop being negative, that it's all just a mindset, or in your case that their reason isn't "rational" makes them now feel even worse than they did because now not only do they want to die, they also feel stupid and rediculous for feeling that way. The person who posted this stressed that they were at their absolute limits. What happens when you feel worse than at your limit? Need I even say it? Mary please reply asap. I've been feeling the exact same way about death and how meaningless everything just might be. Maybe together we can figure this out.

[AGrace]

Hi Mary,

On your mentioning wanting to end your life in various circumstances, I just want to highlight if these thoughts are present then seeking help about this should be priority 1.

One of my group therapists once said to me "You just have to keep fighting, because death is just not an option". At the time I thought it was pretty blunt but whenever those unhelpful thoughts overwhelm me I hear her New Zealand accent pleading that dying by suicide is just not an option!

Grief and loss can be painful for anyone who experiences it, so I think it only natural to have fears around this, regardless of our beliefs. Life is also extremely precious and sometimes rather than being a motivator to cherish every moment, this belief can also add to our fears of death.

I too dont have any religious beliefs as im too reliant on scientific evidence. Just like you, I see the bodies in the grave rather than the soul ascending to heaven. Having said that I want to share with you a true story that happens to me.

I lost my boyfriend 18 years ago. He was my first love and my first experience of death. Despite imagining his body in the ground, him being unable to breathe, and unable to move I had no feelings of spirituality surrounding his death. Once id finished shutting myself in my bedroom crying day and night I decided it was time to remember the happy moments we shared. On my way to the bus stop one morning I started thinking about our first kiss, next minute my sister screamed that there was a moth on my shoulder.  It turns out it was a butterfly. Ever since that day I cant tell you how many thousands of butterflies ive had land on me, no matter where I was or who I was with, as soon as I thought of him a butterfly would be there.it still happens to this day.

I also cant explain this phenomena. The only thing that makes any sense is that the body may return to earth but the memories, the feelings, the heart and soul of the person never cease to exist as long as we're willing to keep them alive.

As a result of my loved one's death, something I'd never wish upon anyone, my world is full of the beauty and elegance of butterflies:)

Reading your post I couldn't help but share this with you. 

AGrace

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi Mary,

We hope you are going okay and coping with these thoughts and preoccupations with the death of your loved ones. It comes from such a kind, gentle place, that clearly shows how much you love your parents and your children.

Please have a read through the email we sent you offline and seek some support either through our support services, the forums, your local mental health team, GP or if you are do not feel you can keep yourself safe, we advise you contact 000 for an ambulance to attend.

We hope to hear from you soon and get a feel for how the past few weeks have been, and possibly some progress been made, or following everyone else's advice on some good places to get some support and assistance.

Remember Mary, you can contact our supportline 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and speak with one of our mental health professionals - who would be more than happy to provide counselling, support and advice.

Take care!