Fear and making excuses

[geelt]

Fear prevents me from taking meaningful action. I don't want to keep living on auto-pilot and wasting away. I keep fumbling and making bad choices. Never got a job while in school, never got my 'P's, dropped out of University and I don't have any hard or soft skills. After a year of job searching and no success I can't keep things the way they are. I don't want to wallow in self-pity. I never capitalized on any opportunities, haven't grown as a person or matured. I hate how I speak and type, I feel so stupid and sound so dumb I feel that everyone I talk to treats me like I'm sub-human. I don't want to be treated like an idiot but I haven't done anything that makes me human.

I did a traineeship in retail, felt more confident in myself while doing so. Got sick for a week right after it ended and it felt like everything I did went away and I fumbled and did laughably bad for an interview I had while I was starting to get better. It's like was back at square one. I can't make excuses or blame anyone I didn't meet their requirements and didn't get the job as a result. It was a mix of stress, recovering from sickness and desperation for getting a job after all the pressure all these wasted years doing nothing. Its not the first interview I've been to.

I overthink everything I do

It shouldn't have affected me that much, I know I should stop living in the past but going back to the job searching process, going through the employment agency again scares me.

I'm too scared to study go to university or do a trade. I don't have confidence in myself. At this rate I won't find a job because I can't go one week without questioning everything.

Being told by the psychologist to find a career I want to do instead of trying to find work after I've spent the past 4 years realising im getting nowhere trying to finda career I want to do when all im doing is worrying about what career i want to do.

No one wants to hire a sub human who cant talkcivilized.

I want to stop worrying stop regretting every action I do

[therising]

Hi geelt

I feel so much for you as you struggle to find your self and feel your way through life in ways that bring you a sense of satisfaction, peace, joy and more. Life can feel so incredibly tough and overwhelming without some really solid guides to light the way. As a 54yo gal, it actually wasn't until the last handful of years that I finally came to  realise that I can't always manage life without guides. They're an absolute must on occasion. In such cases, where guidance is needed, the question becomes 'Who is the best guide for me under the circumstances?'.

I've found the words 'Under the circumstances' to be one of the keys to finding the right guide in unlocking the way forward. It's like I could say 'I can't manage to find a job, based on my anxiety'. The best guide for me, under the circumstances, may not be someone who'll help me find a job. It could be someone who can help me get to the bottom of such anxiety, so I can begin understanding it and mastering it as I then go on to find a job.

I'm not sure if you're much of a reader but I've found a brilliant book to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. He wrote the book based on his own experience with anxiety and depression and what he discovered along the way through developing a greater sense of self understanding. The concept he presents, with some humour, is about there being many facets to us. How some of these facets can take over and get in the way of our progress is something that needs attention and management. How they come to life is also something else he covers. It's like how 'the analyst' in us typically doesn't come to life until there's a need to begin analysing things, making better sense of them. This is good, not a problem. The analyst in us can help us plan and make better sense of things as we move into adulthood. But what happens when it completely takes over and we can't access the carefree or thoughtless parts of our self? Life becomes about pure analysis. In my opinion, one of the most challenging facets would have to be 'the critic' in me. While it can be enlightening in critiquing what I could have done better or what I've done well (so I've got a reference for the next time, in the way of my growth), I've found it can also have a dark or depressing side. When our inner dialogue becomes 'Think of all the things you've failed at. You're hopeless. You're never going to get anywhere', the critic in us can fast become one of our inner demons if we're not careful, making life feel like a kind of hell on earth.

[ABC01]

Dear geelt,

Reading your post,I can empathise with alot of what of how you are feeling.

I have stood at forks in the road,just staring for days,weeks or months trying to decide which is the right path. So therefore,I don’t move. Because of my anxiety.

What no one ever told me,was if I went down one road,if it doesn’t work out, I CAN turn around and go back to the fork again. And then try the other road.

Hopefully there is some motivation in that. If we are so scared to make any moves,we can never make any mistakes. However we also can’t make any progress either.

You sound very resilient. You have alot of strengths.

I hope you know that.

ABC01

[geelt]

Hi therising,

Thank you for the response.

I found and borrowed a copy of "Insanely Gifted" from a local library and finally got myself to start reading it today. I delayed in starting because I didn't want to experience any negative thoughts relating to self-improvement. I delay doing things because of procrastination and not wanting to get consumed by frustration at my inability to do things. I've been neglecting my mental state and sleep but am taking the steps to improve and I feel that now was a good time to start reading. That and not wanting to hold onto the book for too long and constantly keep renewing it, pushing it back and back until I end up not reading it. I find myself avoiding/delaying  "heavy" books that make you face reality. Its easy to keep consuming easy to digest media and bunker down in escapism. If I want to make progress I need to make a start.

I found myself relating to the portion about "judging other people based on my own insecurities and internalized flaws" and the "personal Demons" part. I'm weak minded and a very insecure person so it gave me some self reflection on how I treat others. I'm impatient and have a short temper. I'm always rushing and putting pressure on myself to get things done quickly, I'm scared of being seen as dumb or incompetent because I think I'm dumb and incompetent. I don't want to be seen as daft or inferior.

I feel stupid, I'm scared to try and learn because I'm gonna have trouble understanding some parts and feel stupid and second guess myself. I feel like I'm capable of doing more. I'm scared of being an idiot and being incompetent. I know this isn't how to go about things. Not everyone is going to understand things straight away and I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Am I slightly above average but below smart or just average or mediocre.

I'm scared of reading and not understanding and reading and reading but not remembering everything then I realize its unrealistic to expect this from myself.

I ended up going on a tangent.

I don't want to waste time and effort being unsure what I want to do.

[geelt]

Hey ABC01,

Thank you for the reply.

I relate to that feeling. Waiting for the right choice or the right moment to do something.

There's fear in every step of the way. If I go back to the fork and choose the other path it wont be the same. What if theyre both dead ends. What if I cant push myself to

I'm scared to commit but also scared not to commit, its hard to explain.

As time goes on the saying "the first steps are always the hardest" makes more sense and feels more relatable.

Im not resilient i have lots of weaknesses. I let myself get bogged down by every misstep

[ABC01]

Dear geelt,

I agree with everything you just said. And I understand about committing.

Sometimes I  need a three or four week running start,before actually hitting the starting line.

I hope you are doing well.

ABC01

[therising]

Hi geelt

I think some people are naturally intelligent or gifted and some are academically intelligent or gifted and then there are some who are blessed with gifts from both areas. I've never classed myself as all that much of an academic. I never liked school in general, although I loved many elements of art and English at school. On the other hand, I think of a particular guy I'd met some years ago who I just couldn't tolerate. While he was an actual rocket scientist with an extremely high level of academic intelligence, I found him to be highly questionable as far as emotional and natural intelligence goes. He could not feel how rude, arrogant, degrading, self entitled and triggering he was even though many of those around him could feel it. Actually, let me rephrase that. He refused to feel and question his nature, he only cared to believe that he was better than most and he had no problem putting people in their place (when it came to how he graded them or degraded them). Hmmm 🤔. Not a smart move, in my opinion.

I smile when I say you should see my library of books. Just about every book has numerous corners of the pages turned down a little, largely based on my poor memory. I've only ever read a couple of books where the author actually invited the reader (at the start of the book) to mark any outstanding parts that they wished to remember. Of course, it's a 'no go' with a library book but with any books that we make our own, it can be about marking the bits we wish to recall or need to recall. And any book that's too difficult to read or make sense of, we could simply say 'This book's not for me'. In my opinion, great authors can often lead people to relate, which is one of the reasons their books become best sellers. If we're more so a visual kind of person, they may describe things in visual or more imaginative terms and even include diagrams. While I have people in my life who may say 'Seriously, another self help book?!', my response to that is 'I like to call them 'Help yourself to some information' books'. I think it's so important that we continue to wonder throughout our life, keeping a somewhat open mind while helping our self to what we don't know yet. Btw, if I didn't read while eating breakfast, I'd probably never get around to reading books. I merge to 2 habits into one half hour a day. Half an hour of fuel for mind, body and soul 😊.