Family events and social anxiety

gloria10 · ‎05-07-2015

Hi all,

I have a bit of an issue with my relationship with my mum. I always thought we were close and often spoke with each other, but lately I feel like there is a bit of emotional guilt from my mum.

If there is a family event, such as a birthday or anniversary, and I cant make it due to social anxiety or my health my mum gets very angry with me. She wont always show it around other people, but does when she's just talking with me, so I have no proof to back it up.

Then if I don't make it, like I have recently, she gives me the silent treatment and she has admitted that she does this when she's angry. I then start to feel guilty and feel like I have to make it up to her even though it wasn't her birthday and it had nothing to do with her, but it's like I've caused a great injustice. One time when I couldn't make it she didn't speak to me for three weeks, I was shattered.

I'm just finding our relationship an emotional drain lately and have to keep my distance, which is hard since I get separation anxiety.

Have any of you had emotional guilt from parents? How have you dealt with it?

Many thanks for reading...

geoff · ‎05-07-2015

dear Gloria, hi and welcome to the site, and what you have said in your comment is not only common, but it used to happen with myself, as I live a couple of hours from my family all who live in Melbourne and myself in the country.

I was always invited to all and every party or gathering to celebrate an occasion but I always said that I couldn't go, only because it was at night time, but due to my medication that I take and this is not only antidepressants, but medications for various other problems, restricted me from being able to do this, so now I am not invited to anything at all.

Yes there does feel like emotional exclusion and not part of the family, I can't help any of this and now I am ostracised, except that my twin brother totally understands, and the rest think that I am just making an excuse.

I know how this feeling feels, but the effort for me to break my routine is much more difficult than actually going and then for all of them asking me question after question, and I have no time to relax, so I am happy that I don't go. L Geoff. x

gloria10 · ‎05-07-2015

Thanks for your reply Geoff that is very helpful. I'm sorry to hear your family isn't supportive, but I'm glad that your brother understands.

I think I'm a bit afraid of my mum, which is why I've always done things to make her happy even if it meant I was unhappy.

Perhaps it is a good thing to be able to say I can't rather than simply trying to please her, perhaps my dependence of her is changing.

Narniakid · ‎05-07-2015

Hi gloria10 and welcome to BB!

I have skipped many a social event due to my anxiety, and of course, there are always going to be those few that are angry about it. Luckily, I have a supportive family, however I do have a couple of friends who tend to exclude me from things, thinking I won't come anyway.

In my experience, I've found that if I have been completely honest and open about my condition, and the social anxiety I have, the people around me will take this into consideration. I strongly suggest seeing if you can sit down with your mum and have a look at the 'Resources for Carers of Anxiety and Depression' so she can grasp an understanding of what you are going through - perhaps she doesn't fully grasp just how crippling your anxiety is, and so that causes her to lash out and get angry at you.

I hope I've been able to help! Don't feel bad for your anxiety, it does not define you!

Crystal

gloria10 · ‎06-07-2015

Thanks for your advice Crystal.

I have tried to communicate with her before and while it's okay for a while it then goes back to the way it was.

What's ironic is that she does have anxiety and I think that's part of the problem, she thinks 'if I can do it so can you'. Perhaps I do need to let her know how hard my anxiety can be.