Eye contact issues

[kned]

I was wondering if others experience an inability to look people in the eye/make eye contact when in a conversation?

Ive struggled with this all my life! While working, I learnt some ways to manage it better (so I didn't look like a complete weirdo) such as looking at a person's nose or forehead.

However I still have so much trouble looking people in the eye when we are having a conversation (or at all). I can look my small children in the eye, but can't even look at my own parents or my husband when we are talking. I look everywhere but at the person's face, often looking at my fingers, or down, or all around.

My husband and dad have both made comments about it recently. It's made me quite aware of it again. I feel so rude but the discomfort I feel with making eye contact, means I still struggle to change my ways.

Im curious to know whether this is normal? Has anyone found a way to overcome this issue or at least improve it?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Kned,

I admittedly don’t struggle too much with making eye contact, so I’m not sure if I’m the most helpful person to reply, but I’ll try anyway...

If it comforts you a little, I think it’s a relatively common issue that a lot of people here on the forums struggle with, so you’re in very understanding company here 🙂

You’re very clever to come up with those tactics (e.g. looking at other facial features) to compensate for the eye contact struggles. I think sometimes people take eye contact for granted (i.e. falsely assume it’s easy for everyone to do), so they sometimes feel confused/confronted when they encounter a person who struggles with eye contact. Then on the flip side, I suppose this mentality makes it that much more stressful for those who do struggle with making eye contact...

I wonder if it would help if you tried to figure out what why making eye contact is so difficult for you e.g. is it self consciousness? Is it partly anxiety? Etc. Maybe if you figured out the reason, you can then find ways to around it. Those are just my thoughts at least...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[PamelaR]

Hi Kned and warm welcome to our community

Hmmm, looking someone in the eye is very much an expected 'body language' thing. I know I grew up with my mother telling me - you must look people in the eye. Well, I found a husband who never did 🙂 It was rather good in a way. I rebelled against my mother's wises. It did always make me wonder why he didn't and as the years and decades rolled by, I began to talk to him about 'social expectations'. He does now look people in the face,but I wonder if it is at the nose, chin, or forehead. He's never disclosed this and he has never disclosed why he never did (look people in the eye).

To be honest Kned, I truly would not be concerned. Go with what is comfortable with you. Hold on to that. It's you. If people can't accept who you are, what you do, then think about whether it is worth having them around. It is okay. I know hubby's non eye contact has nothing to do with others. It's all about himself and his own insecurities. Try being okay with yourself.

Hope some of this helps. We're all different, we all have different solutions. It's all good.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Alexlisa]

Hello Kned.

I have the same issue with making eye contact. It’s somethibg that I’ve felt very self conscious about at different times. It feels so unnatural to me that I need to try so hard to focus on it that I can’t hear what is being said to me or answer back. It takes every brain cell to stop my eyes sliding away.

I have social anxiety and know it is a part of that. But it’s also common in Autism Spectrum Disorders.

Over time I started to wonder why I should put myself through such torment, just so I could make other people more comfortable with my body language. It’s natural for me not to make eye contact, why is it not ok to be myself? But that’s up to you how you feel about it.

My psychologist has said to me before that I miss a lot of the signs that come with watching someone’s face when they talk to you. Expressions that someone likes you, agrees, cares and that you are connected. She’s right. I feel so anxious around people, which is made harder by not receiving body language feedback that I’m being accepted. That I’m ok.

So it’s a tough one. I wish it came easy for me. And I go through periods when I work on it with my psychologist. But at the end of the day I don’t let it affect how I feel about myself much anymore. I hope this helps a little.

Take care

Alexlisa

[kned]

Thank you all so much for your replies!

I have social anxiety, so I suspect it is part of that. Its weird because I previously worked in very person-focused roles. I'd have to counsel or interview people and I was always able to 'turn on' the appropriate body language for the situation.

It seems to be when I am meeting new people outside of work places, or within my own family/friend network. I just feel like eyes are boring into me and I feel so uncomfortable. Its such an odd feeling! I think most of my friends have learnt it is the way I am. I have been ok with it, but then other times (like recently) it has bothered me more!