Does anyone else ever feel like the thought of a normal life is impossible?

[ci]

Haven't been on here for awhile trying to focus on changing my life getting my ocd undercontrol.

Today it seems like I've bitten off more than I can chew. So overwhelmed by everything I've gone back to studying this year in my mid 30 with 3 kids and a business to run. Travelling back and forth to uni I so worried I can't do this. I'm not sure if I should quite and accept that I can only have a simple life and stay home where it's safe and easier to get through the day?

Sorry to vent on here but don't want to disappoint my family by telling them I'm not strong enough!

Does anyone else feel like this?

[geoff]

dear CI, there are many triggers that people who have depression will get, we know this, so can we avoid them, the answer is maybe, but the answer we want to hear is, it going to control us or are we able to know that it's happening and then try to understand what it's telling me and then how do we manage with this situation.
As Lumo hs said 'we are never going to be normal', but really who is normal, everyone have their own problems, but with any depression it seems to be worse, maybe not worse, but more intensified, and with OCD it is much more controlling, we have to learn that this will happen, and then work our way around with this feeling, in other words I know what OCD controls me, so I work a way around that OCD.
A good example is that my OCD won't allow me to go through a puddle because it will soli my clothes, and my OCD is to stay clean, so I work out a way to go around that puddle whether it takes me twice as long but I can do it. Geoff.

[lookingforme]

Hi Ci,

I'm glad that I could provide you with some words of encouragement. Truly. I agree with Geoff also, because who, really, is normal? When I think of normal, and crave normalcy, I crave not having clinical depression and anxiety, I wonder if not having severe OCD is what you consider normal? I know that there are all sorts that make this world, so maybe normal is the wrong word when describing what you want.

From another perspective, I think anyone that tries anything new, especially for themselves, there is self doubt and second guessing, for 'normal' people also. It certainly is that way for me (Please note I am not making myself out to be normal). When I decided to change fields, and do Masters, I made that choice in a moment of clarity in what seemed to be that endless fog of depression. I won't lie to you, I am back in it, and I find myself having to stick with that decision through the hard times. Which, from what I understand, is what you sort of feel maybe? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. Like you, I don't want to fail, because failure seems to hit harder than I'm ever able to bear. I also know, that me in a 'depressed state', or me in a 'normal' state, wouldn't have made the decision if I didn't want it. I mean really want it. From what I have read, I think you want it too. When it comes to what ifs, in the future, you can only know after giving it a go. And you should be proud of yourself that you are giving it a go. Yes, there will be triggers everywhere, but that will be the case anyway right? It is for me.

Whether you are capable of living normally, I think normal is skewed for us, and we know when our normal happens, but you are capable of making plans and you are capable of living. Make plans to help you with your triggers, by way of a support group, or mantras or whatever works, be open about how you are feeling, but I suppose, try not to get lost in it? I'm laughing a little at this because it's hypocritical of me to say, I know, but advice I'm trying to follow. Do you have a psychologist or anyone that you can speak to? Maybe even a uni psychologist who is there, who you can touch base with? And certainly your family, I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind you letting him know how you feel. I know I refer to my own experience a lot, but that is all I know.

Lastly, you are definitely strong, simply because you are still trying. If you need, I will remind you of that every day (literally).

[blondguy]

Hey CI

I just read and echo Geoff's post.One of the first things I learned at uni was that there is no such word as 'Normal' that exists where human behavior/traits are concerned. I am 56 and have never met a 'normal' person in my life and never will either.

You always be an achiever CI...Paul x

[ci]

Sorry haven't been on for couple days lookingforme thank-you your posts are so kind. It's great to hear from your experiences makes me feel not so alone. I am doing group therapy at the moment no phyc due to cost to much at the moment. But think I need to change that.

Been really rough couple of days almost quite. today I'm thinking maybe just drop to part time. Tried to talk to my husband but he got bit frustrated with me said to just do whatever. Not sure what I will do?

I sorry for venting on here just no one to talk to and it helps to let it out. I'm really struggling to see a functional life.

I know no one is normal but I think the word I look for in functioning. Doing the things we need to do in life like work and socialize seem to be impossible for me and I'm tiered of that.

Paul your right no one is normal and thank-you for saying I'm an achiever it's so nice to hear when I feel like anything but!

[topsy_]

Good morning Ci,

I understand what you mean when you say you want to be normal/functional. We all have an idea of how we'd like to live our lives - what types of things that would include & of the things we'd like to achieve. I wonder if that's because, if we attain those things, then we can call ourselves an "ok" person?

Being confronted by the reality of a chronic illness can both chip away our ability to achieve this & our ability to feel good about ourselves.

This is what's happened in my life. I raised 3 daughters as a single parent for 13 years. I would have loved to have been able to work so we could have had a higher standard of living but even though I tried it was beyond me. I worked full time for 3 years & parttime for about 18 months before I had to accept I couldn't do it.

Even then I found it very difficult to raise the girls on my own. My own health didn't really begin to improve until they gradually left home. I once had the erroneous belief that my mental illness would be better & better as I got older. Heaven only knows where I got that idea from but it was really wrong!!!

Now I do what I can on the days I can, & I don't do anything on the days I can't!

I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't have to be able to do it all especially all at once. For instance you could be a full time mum for now & study later as your children leave home. Or perhaps you could study by distance ed or online parttime now. There are so many different possibilities. There is no one right way. Perhaps you could brainstorm with your husband or some of your friends about the different ways to achieve your goals.

Don't forget that what you are doing right now is still valid even if you decide to scale back or withdraw - you don't know what you can do until you try. You don't need to feel bad if either of those things occur. You still had the drive & gumption to test out where your boundaries are & that, to me, is a huge positive.

I really admire what you are doing. Take care for now, Lyn.

[lookingforme]

Hey Ci,

Nice to hear from you again. One thing is for sure, you are certainly not alone. At all. And for as long as you want and as often as you want, please, vent. No apologies required, because we all understand. I think that is the one thing that we can find on here, an understanding that doesn't seem to exist in everyday life, at least mine anyway.

With regard to the psychologist, have you tried calling up the BeyondBlue hotline and asking to be referred to a budget friendly psych? When I was unemployed and in desperate need for one, I learned that universities (at least the Monash) had a clinic with student psychologists who were all doing Masters or PhDs and needed clinical hours, and depending on the situation, the fee varied between 20 and 60 dollars. I didn't mind seeing a student, because there is always a line of supervision. The only thing was my sessions were recorded. If these make you ill at ease then I wouldn't recommend it. Also, I mentioned it earlier, if you are a student, have you checked if your uni has a psych center or health center which incorporated counsellors/therapist/psychologist? It would be worth a look I think.

I'm sorry your husband got frustrated with you, it must make the decision process that much harder. Maybe you should take the weekend to really have a think about it? I fully understand about having a hard couple of days, I've been the lowest I have been in a while and the struggle to function seems never-ending. If you have a look around you'll see some posts from my weakest moments, and a lot of them come from despair, when will my head turn right side up again? I know my reasons for struggling along, and maybe it is something you have to figure out?

I think there are a few things that you should know. If you decide to quit studying, it doesn't mean you'll never pick it up again, as Lyn has said, maybe it is all about timing. Maybe you didn't prepare enough this time around and you'll know for next time. The decision to stop studying, it isn't quitting. Quitting has such bad connotations to it. You made a decision. If you change your mind again, you made another decision. Studying part time is also a valid option. Slowly adjust to the change, put into place plans for known triggers that come up in practice. It takes a little longer, but that's okay too. Everything takes time anyway.

[lookingforme]

Ran out of space...

When it comes to functioning...I see (from the few posts) that you put a lot of effort into your family, and into trying to socialize and work, and there's this third element in life of study. I get it Ci, I have an interview next week which I am panicking about simply because I don't know how I will keep anything together. But with all the (I call it this) "madness" that goes on in my head, all the excuses that we know we have to force ourselves to side step, overcoming all the things we know that are in our way and validate our tiredness, because we are so caught up in it, we lose sight of the fact that yes, today I was functional. I got out of bed, I went to work, I survived a social gathering no matter how hard it was. We simply lose sight of it. And because of that, we lose ourselves also. It's too easy to get caught up in the days that we don't function despite what we feel, than remember that we functioned inspite of it. You say you want to be functional, I put it to you that you already are.

I have said it before, and I will say it again here, you are strong because you are still trying.

I hope to hear back from you. Take care Ci. Remember, we are in you corner.

[lookingforme]

I hope what I have said is okay

[ci]

Lookingforme what you have said is of course okay. Thank-you for taking the time to write to me.

My uni does have phyc services I've been thinking about using it but I have to travel over an hour to get to uni so I don't have time before class and class finishes after 430 and I've got to get home to do the mum thing dinner and bed. I am taking the weekend to think about my options I just suggested to my husband maybe I should go part time but he didn't seem to agree thinks I will regret it. So I'll think more over weekend.

Wish I was one of those people who can do everything at once I used to be but unfortunately not me anymore! Wish other people around me couple understand and see that.

Good luck with your interview. Is it for a job? You sound like you are doing well I'm sure it will go well for you I'll have my fingers crossed.

[lookingforme]

Anytime Ci.

Yea, I understand that. I suppose you also have a full day of classes everyday? Because maybe in between classes is a possibility? But yea, take your time and decide.

That's dangerous, to compare yourself to a person you used to be. You are who you are now. It's true, sometimes they fail to see and understand even when you're pointing directly at the problem while yelling it as loudly as possible.

Thank you, yes it is. I wish I felt the way I come across then because I fail to see a lot or anything in myself.