Do you find everyday people meet eyes a lot , out and about, or do you with others ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi people.

Yaknow , l don't even know how to say or talk about what l'd like to here , and l'm not sure if this happens for you too or others , everyday people out anywhere , or what. But l'd really love to hear any thoughts or observations or maybe you have the same thing or something like , whatever .

l'm a fairly tall guy 6ft, and people just notice me , l hate it , been happening my whole life, so that alone is one issue. l dunno if it's just because l'm tall , or if l attract their attention because l tend to do this stupid eye contact thing. l don't mean too, l'm not even into people on the street or shops or whatever and l'm not eyeballing them, it's just where my damn eyes go. l hate it but as soon as l let my guard down l notice l'm just doing it again. l've had some weird reactions too now and then from people , as if l'm really eyeballying them but l'm not even thinking , just looking into blank as l go about my stuff. To top it off, l seem to have something about my eyes that people notice in split seconds like expressions, or something. People pick up if l even just glance their way in a split second, strangers l mean . l mean l'm not the sorta person that walks the street or shops saying hello to everyone far from it actually l'm extremely private. But yaknow, people will often smile or in a shop say some small talk or whatever so it's not like people are uncomfortable and warily catching my eyes type thing in that way. Although that has happened too.

Does anyone else get this stuff out and about with total strangers you pass or are around somewhere, walking down a shopping center, anything, anywhere. ? Do you find people notice eyes in a split second , a glance, anything ? Do you have a bad damn habit like mine of looking at peoples eyes when you drop your guard ? Do people in general watch this type of thing with themselves you think ? Maybe it's simply that l'm extremely observant and l'll not only notice peoples eyes but everything else around me too. lt's a real real bad habit l can tell ya.

Just wish l could go out and be invisible and just go about my business.

Another thought to is last few years , people although appearing casually about their day, are very very very wary now , of anyone , with all the crap happening these days , and not only, but being brainwashed by tv ads and media telling us to be aware or some garbage . And l think people really are maybe to now you know.

l dunno, or maybe it's just me.

[Here_I_am]

Hi ranomx,

I get where you're coming from. I tend to attract a lot of attention when out and about, and this has happened for most of my adult life. I understand it, though; I am a counsellor, I work out, study karate, and have a 'different' way of carrying myself. It is not arrogant to say this, but simply a truth.

People I notice when I'm out and about include politicians and public figures; not just because they're recognisable, but because they carry themselves differently. I know I do this; I am confident, I am capable, and I am fit and healthy. All that being said, I too just want to walk around and eat my sushi roll like a slob like everyone else; although invariably someone will be looking at me as I drop brown rice all over the floor and smear avocado all over my face. 🙂

I notice I have a window in my day - around 9:30am - 11:00am - when my anti-depressant seems to close my brain off for scheduled maintenance. This is the worst time for me to be out and about; I seem to notice everything, and every eyeball feels like hands all over me. I don't believe I'm even being looked at/noticed that much - it just feels like it. So I tend to stay away from public spaces in the mornings when I can. Otherwise, I prepare mentally for it.

You're a tall guy - you stand out. I wonder if their is an element of acceptance that is required here? Like it or not, you're not blending into the crowd for that reason. Some people are going to look at the anomaly.

I also think in spite the generally negative status of society and its direction, most people are looking for positive connection. A bit of eye contact goes a long way for some people. Smiling and acknowledging another person is rarely taken as a negative, so perhaps this could be a management strategy for you? Whenever you notice you've got the stare-bears and people are looking back at you, perhaps a smile, a nod, and a simple acknowledgement of 'I see you' will be enough to take the discomfort of the social interaction out of the equation?

This works for me. 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Gday and thanks a lot for the thoughts .

Weirdest thing is l dunno if it's me looking at eyes half the time or eyes looking at me because eyes are always looking at mine anyway drives me absolutely bloody crazy. And because l'm the way l am l'll notice , been with other people 100 times have no clue what's going on right beside us but l always will which seems to be a separate curse all it's own.

Man do l hear you , l can see your different the way you explain it and with the karate and all yeah that can show too l know l often see that . Unfortunately yeah l stand out too , something about my face as well as height , although l don't think that's even that tall can't work it that part of things out tbh, but your head is often above the rest though admittedly even at only 6ft , which certainly doesn't help the cause haha.But you know, so are plenty of other guys so it still drives me a bit crazy , why me . Your karate thing and walk and confidence and the other examples you talk about yeah, reminds me of another of my things . Apparently , people have told me l have a way , look or something. l am my own man no doubt about that but eh, if only they knew , like your medication , l've got crap too and l'm not as sure of myself as l might seem either.

You know , if l catch myself on a good mood day yeah , l'll sometimes do give that acknowledging smile and people are fine usually same back , that's just not me though normally and usually l won't walk round smiling at strangers yaknow buttttt, yeah , on a good day it does give some degree of peace about things for sure, but it's not really me being mr friendly like that. lt's just more something like ok lm in a good mood l don't mind if you eyeball me today .huh. if only they knew eh.

Where l'm living doesn't help either, grew up in the city but in a small town now and they're eyeballers extremo round here let me tell ya. Even my brother complains about it, so that doesn't help either especially as they can spot your different which just makes them look even more.

Your window time yeah , l know that feeling actually , for me if l'm not in a good frame all kinds of things effect me , Your senses are probably heightened to at that time maybe, drug free and clear for awhile pr something like , another section is switched on again, youknow, l feel the hand over my face too. Admittedly l am a bit paranoid as well but believe me life has given me very good reason to be plenty of times so l dunno.

[Here_I_am]

Hi randomx,

It sounds like you've got a pretty realistic grip on things, brother. You're identifying that this may or may not 'be something', and you can recognise that some days it bothers you more than others. Things to look out for are any increase in your perception of the intent of people looking at you, beliefs that people are 'judging' or 'laughing' at you without any evidence (i.e., anything that shifts your belief from 'people seem to look at me a lot' which may actually be the case to 'people know something about me/want to harm me/etc.', without any evidence for this...), and any intent that may grow in you such as 'next person to look at me gets an earful!' kind of thing. 🙂

One thing I didn't mention in my previous post is some basic things that I do whenever I am heading out in public within that 'window' of heightened senses. The first thing I do is some basic breathing exercises. Just in the car, or as I'm walking in. Why? Because it keeps things like my heart rate steady and low, it gives me something else to focus on - just counting 'breathe in, 1, breathe out, 2. Breathe in, 1, breathe out, 2...' Now that I feel pretty relaxed and calm by comparison, I choose to put a smile on my face. There is every chance more people might be looking at me because I look like I'm terrified of something - wide eyes, shallow breathing, sweating, open mouth, etc!!! When I feel anxious, I probably look it too! 🙂

Smile, breathe, acknowledge the looks politely. That's the plan. And realise that their are actually quite a few people who feel as though they are receiving a lot of attention when out and about; this is not a unique feeling. Human beings are inquisitive creatures, and we're created (or evolved, whatever nomenclature blows your hair back) to connect and be in community. Perhaps it's less about us, and more about the people who do catch our eyes? 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Really , you go through that before you get out well , glad you found something that helps . lf l'm feeling really anxious l tend to put off going out say it's just to the shop or supermarket , my biggest two pet hates , until l think right, l need that stuff. lnto the car, out at the other end race in get my stuff and outa there. Not much of a strategy l know .

Actually l've been pretty good last 5yrs or so and almost to the past caring stage so that's been nice after all these years and it has been less too as l get older thank God. l must admit this last couple though and coming to this town is like going backward 15yrs to when things use to be really bad.Do you find it less as you get older, bloody relief let me tell ya.

Fortunately nah , it's never usually in any kind of bad intent way that's not really the thing. The way l use to get really paranoid wasn't really about that , it was more just in knowing that people will notice me or eyeball/stare given any chance , and l just hated it. l use to just crave just to not be noticed , dreaded going out for a long time there or to anywhere with people , just to avoid eyes and stares.lt actually amazes me it's still going on as l'm much older and hoped to lose whatever it was with age, looks like l might have to give it another 10 yrs though the way things are going.

Weird isn'y it, many people love attention and if you or me were to tell them all this they'd probably envy us well, they can have it haha.

lt's gonna help moving away from here at least , it's nowhere enar as bad as it use to be other places these days , sometimes l'm even incognito, that's my dream haha lt'll never happen here though but thankfully be selling next year .

l do know for me two things in it, maybe a lot more to it but l do know these two though. Firstly, me tending to look at peoples eyes, damn, even though l'm not even looking usually, but l am/do.So even if they don't notice me that pretty well messes up that. The other is they'll usually be looking at mine anyway buttt.

Thing is , been trying to train myself years now, don't look at bloody eyes, not strangers anyway, of only l could get the hang of that it'd help a lot. Well when l race up and back to a shop or somewhere on my bad days , l try not to look at eyes, in out home, no eyes haha.

[Guest_1584]

How are you going here?

Sometimes l think it's something about my eyes. l do tend to unintentionally look straight at eyes which,,, l've been trying to break for years now. lt means absolutely nothing . Thing is unfortunately l just don't blend in too well anyway so but l also do have well they often look red and baggy to me but apparently they're very blue when not , l wonder if that's enough to draw attention the way l seem to , or my eyes seem too.

l think l've worked something out about where l'm living anyway , in that way. Men around here stare like l've never seen anywhere , brother notices too. Well today l went to the supe ,l only walked cross from the car and in , 15mins total. yet 3 , 3 different men eyeballed straight at me , 3 in only 15mins , like looked right at my eyes and literally held it until l'd look away . lt's not in a bad way or have a go or something type way nothing like that, they just bloody eyeball that bad they make me look like an armature.

Anyway , for 3 yrs since l moved here l've noticed none of the chicks or women meet your eyes, they'll actually shoot away somewhere else at lightning speed , brothers noticed that too and l've never had any problems like that ever , but here , yeah , it's bizarre.

Well with men round here eyeballing me probably eyeball them far far worse so they've all developed this quick look away thing, l'm getting it myself after only a few years here and l'm male, hate to think what it's like for them , but it would explain the weird behavior from women round here.

Anyway , it is at least some relief in figuring out one reason it's double worse than ever, its probably just about this damn area itself.

rx .

[Here_I_am]

Hey,

You definitely raise some really worthwhile considerations here. You're right: perhaps it has less to do with you and more to do with the culture of the place in which you live.

Smaller towns will have different norms - if everyone knows each other (as the old saying goes) then their will be a difference to all aspects of interaction such as personal space, eye contact, what's appropriate to wear down the shops, etc. For example, when I lived in Bathurst, NSW, it was perfectly okay for people to wander down the street on their way to the shops on a winter weekend morning wearing their ugg boots and tracksuit pants. Nobody thought anything of it. Yet try and do that in the areas I lived in closer to Sydney, such as Chatswood and Ryde! You'd have been arrested for crimes against fashion! 🙂

If you're living in a smaller town, it may be that you're not considered 'one of them' yet, and as such you attract a certain kind of scrutiny whilst the locals try to work you out. Not about you, all about them.

It sounds like you've come to some space of acceptance regarding this. I hope you continue to grow in your comfort being out and about. Remember that some of the reason for it simply HAS to lay with the other people and not you. How much is you and how much is them? ... well, we don't get that one unfortunately. 🙂

[Guest_1584]

How are ya and thanks for the thoughts.

But yeah , def' the area mentality whatever that id does not help that is for sure. They do know l'm not a local too l tend to stick out like a sore thumb best of times but here, l may as well ware a siren l do miss the far more incognito of city life l must admit , never have been a small town person nor git them in any way. .

Funny you mention dress that is one good thing about these small places , well very handy at least, yep no need to dress up round here either let me tell you. comes in handy actually. haha.

Can you exist without actually meeting eyes yourself , how do you go with that side of things does it help our problem at all ? My thing is l usually can't keep it going long enough to know but l would at least not see a lot of it if l could only get better at that myself.

[Guest_1584]

l'll be here another year or so , hopefully selling then and moving. But l think the only way in the meantime is to just keep trying to stay away from damn eyes round here. Give the eyeballing zero recondition . Which l've been trying to do since a few weeks after getting here anyway after noticing it's extreme butttt, l've slipped in and out of the old habit way too easily.