Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi white knight.

I have read your message a few times and the similarities are amazing as far as putting up walls, being overly sensitive and comments about my classic car. (which I am to scared to drive now) And I tend to analyse everything.

I remember 30 years ago someone told me "you think about things to much"  I will always remember that.

Thanks for your positive message. I thought it was being ridiculous to get the bin as far as the gate and wait for more strength to go any further. I am learning that small steps are better than no steps at all.

-Aggy.

[Penrith67]

I'm healthy. My partner and family are healthy. I have no money problems, but I get up every day and hope that the world will end. I really feel for people that have health and family problems.

[Chloekat84]

Yes Penrith67 we all have problems on here they just vary on severity. I have extreme anxiety and depression which im seeing psychologist for as well as my gp and going to see and psychiatrist soon. Do you have any health or mental health problems urself? 

[Aggy]

Hi Penrith.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you are healthy but get up everyday and hope the world would end?

Have you talked to anyone about that? Is that the reason you have joined Beyond Blue?

Thanks for posting your message and hope you are well.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Chloekat.

Hope everything is going well for you at the moment.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

How are you? It's been a while since my last post - I've been busy answering all the newbies:)

It's great to see you chatting with various members of the online community, and even responding to some of the posts.

I was wondering if you have ever read any of Jacques threads? He suffers anxiety and agoraphobia similarly to you. Don't know if you would find it helpful to chat with someone who is living a shared experience?

I think both of you are so very brave waking up each morning and making an attempt to face life despite your troubles.

Have you been back to your Psychologist yet?

I saw my Psychologist this morning and she highlighted to me that I seem to move in circles. One week I feel anger, the following week I feel fear, and then it goes to guilt etc. 

I'm feeling a bit guilty at the moment. I guess because I've been travelling well of late, and after coming back from our holiday and seeing my partner go back to work each day I feel like he must think I'm doing nothing. In my mind I'm torn. I want to consider working again, I just don't want it to be anything like my previous experience with work. 

I read stories of people who seem to be struggling more than me and are still working and I feel like I should be doing something too, to be honest I'm really scared by it though. Some days I look through the job ads and think ok, I'm going to find a job, and 10 minutes later I'm like what was I thinking, I'm not ready to work yet. Then my partner comes home from work exhausted and I feel like I have to list all the things I did during the day so it sounds like I was just as busy.

I've kind of stopped going to day programs, because I feel like they've become just a repetition of things I've already learnt. So despite housework, shopping, and catching up with friends and family here and there I'm really not doing anything. I'm too embarrassed to admit this to my partner though.

Anyway that's my world at the moment. Hope you're going ok.

Amber

[Chloekat84]

Hello Aggy. Im going alrite. Not 100% but i think that will take time. I was able to hop onto a train and go into the city today to meet up with a friend whos just had a baby as i hadnt seen her yet. She's gorgeous and i was soo glad to get out of the house if only for a while it really helped and my mate understood everything i was telling her and she was very supportive. Well thats the news on this end. Ill need to pick up my daughter from childcare soon so take care x

[Aggy]

Hi Amber

Good that you made it home safely.

Im not so sure I am that brave by trying going to work each day. I never make it through the whole day and am usually late now. I am using work to keep busy (I like to work flat out) to keep my mind from the dark thoughts. Some days it works for a while anyway.

I couldn't go today as I was up very late worrying, shaking and physically sick. So i'm not so brave at all. I am weak and hopeless and not strong at anything really.

I have not heard from the pshycologist but not surprised. I have a GP app tomorrow and terrified on how to get there.

Dont feel guilty about not working. Im letting you know I'ts really difficult at times and understand your aprehension. You will know when the time and job is right for you. Part time seems to work best for me right now.

It may seem like your'e not doing much and feel guilty towards your partner but catching up with friends, family & shopping is way ahead of me. You are doing what you need to it seems to blend in again as best you can. We all have stength it seems, in different areas.

I would confide my feelings in my partner but that's just me. I belive in trust, honesty and openess for the sake of the relationship. I think that couples deserve to know what's going on with each other, but again, that's just my humble opinion.

It's great to hear from you and I hope tomorrow is a great day.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Chloekat.

Great to hear from you.

Even though you are not going 100% you have more courage than worthles me. I could'nt go on a train to the CITY if my life depended on it.

It sounds so nice to have friends to that are supportive, you are very lucky. I feel so alone with my illness sometimes, I need you guys for support. Thanks for being there.

Thanks for letting us know that things are going ok. Always good to hear from another online friend. Hope things go great for you.

-Aggy.

[Snoman]

Hey Aggy,

You think you are not courageous?  You think you are worthless?  Weak?  Hopeless?  Just because your brain gives you feelings of extreme panic at the thought of catching a train to the city?  Not how I see it.

You are not your condition.  You just happen to be experiencing one of the toughest illnesses... and still fighting it.

My psychologist always made a point of congratulating any achievement I made.  Why? Because everything we do is so much harder than for other people.  We are doing everything the hard way.  Just making a cup of tea can be a significant achievement.  That you work, even part time, amazes me.  I haven't been able to for nearly a year.  I struggle just to do some small work at home, and I'm not experiencing agoraphobia.  What you achieve truly does amaze me.  You need to give yourself some credit.

Being brave does not mean never being scared or afraid.  It is doing things despite the fear.  In your case, working part time.  That is huge.  Brave?  Strong?  Yes!