Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Hope you're well and keeping busy.

Thanks for posting again and your belief and support. I am still battling quite hard to stay 'afloat' at the moment but battling nonetheless.

I have not been able to sleep in my bed since the 'incident' and now just fall asleep in the chair instead. I am more worried about going out than before, and my trust and confidence levels have been smashed. Worthless could be my middle name.

Apart from that, all is well here and I'm glad to hear you have given up the chocolate. Actually a lot harder than it sounds, I do realise. 

I can't stay now, I must reply to Karen and then jump back into my little area to hide and make some more sandbags for protection.

Take care Amber.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Karen.

I hope things are going well for you and you're ok.

Thanks for your words of encouragement and concern about me. I still think you guys are backing the wrong horse but I admire your faith and persistence in help to keep me going. Thankyou for that Karen.

I am not able to be 'out of my shell' for long but had to say hi and reply to Amber too. I have been here a few times but unable to post a reply to you two as things are not really going well and no one really needs to hear it.

Been busy fitting new locks and reinforcing entry points around the 'cave' so I may be able to stop some of the newly added horrible thoughts that make me unwell with no regular sleep, diet, exercise or guitar to play.

That's ok. I can get by, and even as a new disaster is arising from very recent events, I know I've got to push on through. Things could be worse.

Take care Karen and thanks again for posting your concern.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I've missed talking with you. But I do understand not being able to post I feel that way but still come to read, I find it a healthy distraction. 

I am deeply concerned about you Aggy and you are very much with the worry. As I mentioned in my darkest moments which there are many I have read your post and find the strength to fight. You can too, you have before and you can do it again I have faith in you Aggy and I hold hope for you.

Please Aggy if you are unable to hold safety or things are too much to handle please get help. You know the places, life line, suicide call back, Bb. Or 000. They can also offer help online, I have used them so many times. If you don't feel safe go to the Ed, voluntary, it is better than having the police involved. I know and understand how you feel about being in a mental health unit, I was there for 12 days and never want to go back. With that said, you will not have to worry about your safety. Its is so exhausting trying to keep yourself safe, I get it.

No I'm not going well either but I am fighting, spending everyday in the car isolated. But I don't know what I'm fighting for. I feel that I am wasting everyone's time. You know how it is.

I'm glad you have changed the locks, I hope nothing has happened to your guitar. I'm worried that you're safety is under threat please get help Aggy. You know if I could I would come over and help, please remember I'm here for you and you are worth it. Keep posting when you can.

Please stay safe take care

Karen

[angelite]

Hey Aggy

I'm still here if you need to chat. I'm thinking of you. Stay strong you know that you have such inner strength keep fighting. There is always help available just reach out. I have faith in you and I am holding hope that you will keep persisting. You are worth it and are not waisting anyone's time. 

Please stay safe and take care

Karen

[Aggy]

Hi Karen.

Hope you are going ok.

Its 4am and im up fighting the demons again. I have tried to respond to you 3 times now, but have not been able to finish a post yet.

Due to new circumstances I don't want to go near my car anymore. I am stuck in a house that I am now scared to sleep in. My name is being dragged through the mud for the 2nd time in 6 months.

I was dumbfounded yesterday as the new ex told me the things she has been saying about me and to who she had said them. I cant believe this is happening again. These women ...

Oh well, I gotta go. Have been at this for four hrs and time to go and prepare for next challenge. House inspection this morning I believe. Fun times.

Please stay well and safe as I worry about your safety regularly.

-Aggy.

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

Another long night as you can appreciate. I'm so glad you persisted with posting. 

I'm happy that you are fighting the demons its a battle that you will win. I know you're a tough one.

I understand how hurtful words can be but remember that they are only words. Who cares what anyone thinks the people that are worth having around will know Aggy for the wonderful person you are and not listen to rumor's. The others that believe what is being said aren't worth wasting your time on. Im not sure if you have read what W K says about people. Worth a look when your up to it.

I'm from a country town you should hear what people say about me. So cruel and very hurtful and most of them don't even know me but they still judge. Say I'm a snob, still talking about having to be in a mental health unit, no one even bothers to ask if I'm OK. Make jokes because I spend my days in the car. I would rather spend my time talking to the wonderful people here than waste my time with cruel, hurtful people. 

Aggy remember not everyone is like your ex. I know how it feels as men are a trigger for me. I have labeled all men as something to fear. I am challenging that. You are proof, look around here and you will see caring compassionate women open your eyes a little Aggy, Amber for one. Its going to take time for the both of us.

I am holding hope for you Aggy never doubt your strength and how important you are even if you cannot see it I can. You know how difficult it is for me to talk to people and in the real world I can't, so you are worth the effort.

I appreciate your last comment I think you know. Its something that is daily. Not sure which way that will go.  I am here for you post when you can. Stay safe take care

Karen

[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I haven't heard from you in a couple of days I hope everything is OK and that things have improved.

I have been struggling over the last few weeks. The police were called to my mums house on Saturday, welfare check. My mum was not impressed at all. My gp would like to see me back in the Mhu. I feel the same as you about that one. I know its better to go voluntary, but still really difficult. I will see my gp on Friday if things haven't improved I know what he will say. He still hasn't managed to find the professional help I need after my psychologist told me she can't see me any more. I'll let you know how it goes.

I really hope that there are some posative for you. Are you playing again. Hope you are safe.

Take care

Karen

[Aggy]

Hiya Karen.

Hope you are well and safe.

I have been having more very dark thoughts. So black and dark I am unable to tell any psych or other person about it. The police were around again trying to talk me into going to the hospital with them.

It would be nice to sleep in a bed for a change, but I told them that it was not going to happen. I'm so

tired and hungry. I cant sleep nor can I afford to buy much in the way of food after she cleaned out my accounts.

I tried to play two days ago, but not so good. It was great to hold one of my guitars again, and fell asleep in the chair with her in my arms. Sadly, she is one of the only females that I can trust now.

I better go for now but, I do wonder why your psych has stopped your appointments, and why your mum was not impressed on the welfare check?

Thanks for your concern, please take care and stay safe. Good to hear from you again Karen.

-Aggy.

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[angelite]

Hi Aggy

I get it I t really do. Don't you just love the welfare checks. Not... especially when they don't make you go.

Aggy im really concerned about you. I know why I don't want to go back to the mhu. What are your reasons. At least you will be safe a bed to sleep in and the foods not that bad. Maybe they can help with your medication so the anxiety isn't so awful.

You will be so much b etter off if you go voluntary.  Aggy what is the worst thing that can happen.

If you are unable to hold safety consider the options they are available.  Reach out.. please I care I need to see you fight. If not for yourself do it for me. Someone that needs to see that fighting is worth the effort.  There is a point to all this when all I want to do is let go.

Im glad you still get comfort from your guitar and a little sleep.

My mum is abusive so the fact that the police turned up to her house. I shamed the family.  Tells me im pathetic and that she would be better off if I wasn't around.

So thats me I know darkness my psychologist won't see me anymore because my symptoms are too complex and im a safety risk. So no support for me. The gp can't find anyone and now he wants me back in the mhu.

I hipe that you can reach out you know the numbers. Im here when you need to chat. We both have a battle to fight find the strength you have done it before and can do it again. You are an awesome person and your pain is greater than your coping skills. But help is there. Yes you are having dark thoughts. They are only thoughts and you don't have to act on them. Remind yourself that.  Break your days into hours or smaller distract.  So you don't become overwhelmed. Don't give in... don't choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things can be better than this I no you can't see it at the moment.  Aggy your first step is to reach out for help.

Take care my thoughts are with you

Karen

[Aggy]

Hi again Karen.

I really appreciate all your concern but what about you? I have a home and bed and a job to return to. I have at least 3 people to fight for and you are one of them. How about you fight for me?

The permanent solution that you mention is a like a kids party compared to the stuff that goes around in my head. I am ashamed and embarrassed of some stuff that goes through my mind, so terrifying that it scares me to even recall it.

My permanent solution right now is to fight again and rebuild again, until I have rebuilt my life and am working full time again ready to be the new department supervisor. This is my goal, my wish, my aim, my dream. I already know the only guy that can make it happen. I've just gotta find him again.

If you don't mind me asking Karen, who are you considered to be a safety risk to? Your psychologist or yourself or others? Can you get a referral to another psych? Is there anyone to help your accommodation situation? Is the MHU in Traralgon? Are your things safe if you get admitted? Do you need a hand Karen?

I better get going now, please don't yell at me for asking to many questions. I hope you stay well and safe. Until next time.

Your friend.

-Aggy.