Derealisation and managing to detach

[Guest_10092]

Hi there

just wondered if others have tips on how to cope with derealisation - I have anxiety and panic disorder, with depression and lately I have had more and more derealisation experiences, after a tough medical diagnosis for my husband (lymphoma blood and likelihood of chemo). 
i wondered if the derealisation is a reaction to these stresses and my psychological state trying to protect me as I’m very overwhelmed with this diagnosis. 
i just wanted to ask others if they have at stressful times experienced more heightened derealisation and if they have any tips to manage this experience.. when it occurs I feel like I’m not real, out of my body, not present and the world is a stage of actors who I can’t connect with. I often flee home which is a stable environment and go to a friend or my sisters seeking reassurance of safety and then I have to rest for long periods afterwards as my nervous system is exhausted. It’s a very scary and difficult experience. 
mum also on a more recent medication  (mine is to manage anxiety but in the anti psychotic class of drugs) and was wondering if anyone else has had this experience.

i just wanted to not feel so alone and check how I can slow my mind down to get back to reality or to understand how others have helped themselves. 
thank you - I pray for all people with mental health struggles as we all can use these prayers and support 

[Sophie_M]

Hello, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing your experience with our community. 

This truly sounds so overwhelming for you... I can't imagine how distressing this new information about your husband's health is. This stuff can be really scary, so please know that your reactions make a lot of sense. It isn't uncommon for the body to experience derealisation when you are experiencing heightened stress or dysregulation - it's a lot to sit with, and you are right, your body and mind are likely trying to protect you. 

It's good to know that friends and family provide you with a sense of grounding and safety. Do you ever notice any other people, places, things, or activities help to create a similar sense of safety?

I am also curious to know if you have been keeping track of your triggers and noticing when the derealisation cycle is starting to happen? Acknowledging your warning signs may really help you to apply some strategies in order to regulate early. 

For example, when you feel this way, it could be quite helpful to pick an object or a person that you feel safe with and sensorially engage with them. For example, you could pick a teddy bear - what does it feel like? Smell like? Sound like when you hold it? Look like (in detail)? Taste like... okay, maybe not that one. 😂 But you could absolutely ask this question with something you can eat! 

You can try this strategy with multiple objects to re-orient you in the present moment. If this doesn't land, I would encourage you to use mindfulness and movement. Maybe you can go for a walk and pay attention to your surroundings. Or you could dance to your favourite music and notice the way your body naturally wants to move. Even something as simple as focusing on your breath and giving your body a shake can help too!

Overall, remember: your body is having a natural reaction to things feeling scary. It's okay that you need extra support in these moments to feel safe, and even more okay that you are feeling exhausted - it really is so exhausting. 

I hope these suggestions help. Please know you are not alone, I am sure our community will be able to support you even further. 

In the meantime, don't hesitate to reach out if you have anymore questions. 💙

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 
 

[therising]

A very warm welcome to you at what sounds like such an incredibly challenging and stressful time in your life.

I recall doing research some time ago and finding what made sense to me regarding depersonalisation and derealisation. In a nutshell, if our reality is made up of our identity or every single thing we identify with (our name, age, appearance, beliefs/thoughts, relationship with people and objects around us etc etc), our brains inability to identify with anything will shift our reality in a massive way. Hope that makes sense. Grounding our self back into things we can identify with can lead to a return to our familiar reality. Sophie touches on this when it comes to the senses (leading our brain to identify with or relate to what we can hear, smell, taste, feel and see).

A variety of things can lead to such huge altered state of consciousness or awareness. For some people it will happen spontaneously. For others it's an altered state of consciousness they aim to achieve. The influences can involve drugs (prescription and non prescription), spiritual pursuits and awakenings, traumatic experiences, overwhelming stress, certain psychological conditions and more.

From my own experience, with a couple of periods earlier in my life, the first time was of course new to me. With the second time, some years further down the track, I had some reference based on my past experience. The second time I was more conscious of the inner dialogue I was experiencing, I was more conscious of the need to ground myself out of the state I was in, I was more conscious of the difference between the 2 very different states of reality. It's a strange experience that feels completely surreal but very real at the same time. It can leave you questioning 'Which reality is the real one?'. As you know, it can be incredibly stressful in a number of ways.

While I've never dabbled in the kinds of drugs people take when it comes to 'going on a trip' or 'tripping out', I imagine this altered state of consciousness is similar to the type of 'trip' some people aim to experience (being completely free of their sense of self). In certain traditional cultures, where certain types of trips are experienced, a shaman will take a person through what they're experiencing (while helping them make sense of it) and out the other side of it. For you, you have your friend or your sister to bring you back from where you are in that altered state. In other words, they act as your guides in bringing you back. Being able to bring our self back can require a whole set of skills.

[Guest_10092]

Thanks @sophie_m

i appreciate your time and thoughts on this and for the suggestions. I also appreciate you acknowledging that I am having a stressful time as it helps to remember that and be validated.

I do have a support network and though I try not to contact people when I am in heightened states of panic I think it is helpful as I know my sister and friend can help me to come back to the present moment. This week I have been trying to shift my state with yoga and swimming as they are grounding. I have done well first half of the week but the anxiety has been a lot the last three days and I have had a few days in bed with depression and feeling unable to manage.

i have done some basic things though like washing, ordering groceries and connecting with my children when I can to reassure them I am okay. Even though I am really unsteady, I try to put on a brave face, cook the dinner and try to act like I am managing.

yes- I think also grounding through meditation is helpful and I will revisit this so I can help take the pressure valve off - it just feels so frightening to be in those states and like I have lost myself and all I want is to be well and able to manage for my family.

i am also trying to remind myself I can keep doing things, just basic things and being with a family who love me and trying to be present is a goal.

i also spent time this week getting a referral to a new psychiatrist so I can review my medication and this took a fair bit of mental focus re GP, appt, doing a psych history and seeking out referral and I am glad I did this for myself so I can help myself with trying another approach. 
the idea of grounding with something physical is also a good one- I recently bought a soft pillow dinasour with a smile on it and I am using it as a comfort to hold when I feel like I am slipping back into this state. It sounds very silly but it helps me to remember to comfort myself and to let go of the many thoughts and intrusive experiences I am having, so thank you as the Teddy idea is not such a bad one! Never would have imagined at 49 that this could be a grounding tool but I will do whatever is helpful to get through.

thank you for your thoughts and I hope you have a peaceful and safe weekend. 
thanks again 

[Guest_10092]

Thanks for taking the time to reply @therising. I really appreciate your thoughts and insights.

i can relate to the valuable perspective that yrs our identity is made up of all the things we associate with as part of that (names, experiences, age, relationships, connection, beliefs and objects / places). I think this comment helps me to understand that what I am experiencing is a shift in many of these areas and this has shaken my sense of self and identity, mostly as I have heightened worry about my partner’s health, protecting our children as I have such unsteady mental health and also a big loss of my professional self after 16 years working as a career professional in a university. I had to resign Feb 2023 due to my ongoing depression. So what you have explained helps me to make some sense of these altered states of consciousness.

it is almost like the fragments of who I have been were put together, and I held them in place and then the ongoing mental health struggles, mood issues, lack of energy and motivation has stripped these away and all I have been able to identify with is the pain I experience in not being able to connect or live mindfully in the presence of the many good things in my life.

I know also that grounding is key and finding this with yoga has helped me, though I need to practice it more and just use breathing as one tool to regulate.

i also know I am a deep and questioning thinker so these shifts have got my brain into a place where it can’t process all the issues/changes/missed opportunities to practice being well and I have become stuck in the worry and it’s too much suffering for my mind. So my mind has almost shifted into another place to try and cope.

it does however mean I am not in the reality I need to be in, caring for my children and supporting my husband so rather than feeling freeing like it may do on mind altering drugs (I dabbled in my teens but not very much) it feels like it is dangerously and disarming. I do know that as Sophie suggested just using the senses to re-engage with current reality can be helpful and will try to do this more regularly. 
interesting about how you were consciously aware when your mind shifted from one sense of reality to another. I hope tou know this shows you have a strong awareness of your mind’s ability to experience life and I hope these shifts were freeing in the long run, rather than frightening. I know with my mind I have always clung to ‘things will be okay if nothing changes’ until I consciously had a moment when my mind changed and said ‘everything changes and you need to let go’ - it is very freeing to have that as a new perspective in my mind and changed my understanding of what is reality. I think your post have reminded me that is useful to remember so thank you. 

i am lucky to have my sister and friend who accept I experience this and can help me just accept it and try to normalise it and then I can find my way back to feeling okay. 
Thank you for your perspective and insights - it is appreciated and good to express and understand more about what I am experiencing 🙏🙏 wish you a peaceful weekend. 

[therising]

I could not help but smile when you mentioned what came to mind for you was 'Everything changes and you need to let go'. In my second experience, the words 'You need to let go' repeated in my mind. I kept thinking 'But if I let go, who will I be? How will I manage? What will happen to me?' and fearful things along those lines. 'Just let go' next came to mind and I took a leap of faith. I thought 'Okay, I let go'. Then I actually sobbed uncontrollably, which was very unexpected. Not sure what I was expecting to happen but nothing seemed to change. I was still in that state of derealisation until I came out of it by grounding myself in preparing to get ready to go to work. Mind you, what I was thinking at the time was along the lines of 'What if work isn't real? What if my life is an illusion in some ways? What if I don't go to work and nothing happens? Kinda like I show up for work the next day and it's as though the experience of me missing work just didn't exist in anyone's mind'. Yes, I know how strange that sounds but, hey, an altered state of consciousness to this degree does tend to sound a feel pretty out there 😁. I made it to work on time and, while having returned to reality, realised they definitely would have phoned looking for me if I hadn't have shown up. 

While nothing mind blowing happened in that moment I agreed to let go, things panned out in the years that followed. I found it to be about letting go of thinking to some degree. While thinking (mentally processing/computing pretty much everything) can be handy and something the brain can have trouble getting out of the habit of doing constantly, I've found intuition to also be a handy thing. When things naturally come to mind without thinking, it can be pretty amazing. I think maybe it's about having a foot in both worlds in some way. Kind of like having the ability to completely detach, so as to let things freely come to us, while also being able to analyse/process/compute what it is that's naturally come to mind. Two very different states of consciousness that, when combined, can create a far more manageable state of reality.

After coming out of that second experience, the key thing I took out of it was 'DO NOT WONDER while in that altered state of consciousness'. The wondering is best done when returning to reality. If we wonder too much while we're in that state, it can expand the trip (hence the need for grounding out of a sense of wonder). It can be a trip down a mind bending rabbit hole. For some, that wonder filled rabbit hole can have some dark and serious twists and turns, 'What if I'm in a simulation and no one's real? What if I'm not real? What would happen if I jumped off the roof of my house, would I feel pain or is pain not real? Is it just something I've imagined to be real?'. Pain is definitely real. I've given birth twice 😂