Death of a distant family member has triggered some anxiety

[Rubix]

I don't really have a point to this post other than I needed to express myself.

I learned that my godmother passed away over the weekend. I was not close to her and had not seen her for the best part of 15-20 years. But she represented a part of my childhood that has such fond memories. Xmas. Xmas Eve was such a family tradition where us four kids would put on a concert (singing carols etc) after a lovely dinner. It would always be my godmother, my godfather (not partners) who was a beautiful human being, and a 'surrogate' grandmother. With my parents they were the regulars every single year. As kids (looking back) we were so lucky to have had such a great experience over many years.

Fast forward (I'm now nearing 45) and she is now the last of those regular attendees to pass away. It's the end of an era. Closure on one of the few great times in my life. My parents are still alive but have aged. After a marriage breakdown 5.5 years ago I moved in with them. I'm still here. I seem to be shutting down my life and just living each day the same.

About the only thing I do that is a positive thing is exercise regularly. Used to be triathlon but now it's a lot of riding (after a knee injury put my favoured running on ice). I ride to work every single day, rain, hail or shine.

Last night I rode home a longer way. I just wanted to reflect on my godmother a bit more. She passed away in a nursing home with dementia. I always intended to go visit but never did. There's an element of guilt. As I rode home I shed tears. I reflected back on the positive memories her presence contributed towards all those years ago. One particular memory always springs to mind of her watching us whilst my parents were on holidays. I was sick with flu. She kept me home and gave my back the 'karate chop' treatment to help me cough up phlegm, Strange memory to have but it's there. I was saddened to think that now that the three Xmas Eve visitors had passed it just left my parents. I started freaking out a bit because my life has little direction and I don't know what I'll do when that time comes (given current conditions).

My father showed me some death notices. There was one generic one from the family (she had two sons I never met) and a funeral parlour one. It got me depressed to think how alone she was at the end. It made me think that's how it's going to be for me. I've shut my life down and have few (if any) to talk to.

As I said, no real point to this. Just wanted to write.

[YellowPoppy]

Hi Rubix,

I'm experiencing g a similar fear to yours, of dying alone and losing my mum. She is such a big part of my life and my recovery that I'm terrified of losing her.

I don't really have any advice but I thought you may take some comfort from Knowing you're not alone

YP

[Billyc]

Beautiful story Rubix,

thanks for sharing

loved it

[smallwolf]

Hi Rubix,

welcome to beyond blue.

Sorry to hear about your loss. My own grandmother had alzheimer's and was in a nursing home for a number of years, many actually. Somehow she managed to get through each year. The sad part of it was that for the last FEW years was that she did not recognise her own children, and swore quite a bit. One of the last times I went with my father and I waited in the reception area of the nursing home - it would have been too distressing I was told. While there might be a element of guilt, please don't beat yourself up over it.

It is odd what memories come back... for me, it would be her getting us ready for school on a Saturday. We don't know what she was thinking but were sent to the bus stop at the station we lived on. There is also the occasion when my brother was accused of cheating when playing a game of cards. He did, we both did, but she could never think of me cheating.

Feel free to write here more if it help. People here will listen to you,

Tim

[Rubix]

YP,

I realise these forums are intended to be a safe space for us to spill our emotions and it's abundantly clear that there are many others out there fighting similar battles each and every day. The problem is that rather than taking solace in knowing I'm not alone in this fight I tend to get more depressed reading so many other sad stories. I start questioning what the point of all this is because there is so much sadness around and even forum champions speak of their ongoing battle to stay on top of things so many years later. It suggests that perhaps we never really get 'happily ever after'.

I've spent the last 35 of my 45 years feeling anxious, sad, different and alone (at least insofar that I believe no one can truly understand my struggles). The one 'positive' has been that I've had somewhat of a privileged upbringing that has provided me a physical safe haven. I realise that there are so many out there that are not as fortunate and I can't fathom how I would fare having the safety net missing.

Though I fear a perfect storm of sadness awaits around the not too distant corner. My beloved dog is not long for this world. My first personal pet (a wedding gift from my parents) was once a bundle of energy and so loving. Now 16, she's blind and deaf with a tumour slowly eating away. It's been hard watching her struggle to get around a house banging into everything or at other times just standing still for long periods of time. Goodness knows what goes through her mind. It's a preview of the physical deterioration that awaits me probably sooner than I realise.

As I alluded to previously my parents are not getting any younger. Mum's battled and (touch wood) beaten ovarian cancer and a broken neck. But she's had to put up with a husband that belittles her constantly. In fairness he attempts to belittle everyone. That's what God's do I suppose. For the success that he's had (particularly given his tough upbringing) I really find him uninspiring due to the way he treats people. He doesn't talk about his feelings at all. There's surely underlying reasons why he acts the way he does. He has health issues now but he keeps it to himself. If/when either of them go it's going to compound my anxiety.

I suppose that what makes it harder going through all this. Seeing the sadness that emanates from the two of them. Everywhere I look I see sadness. I honestly don't know how this world keeps functioning...

[YellowPoppy]

Hi Rubix,

I'm sorry to hear that the forums are not helping you.
If you haven't already, consider going to your gp and getting a mental health plan to see a psychologist.

We're all struggling and just trying to help. But we aren't professionals.

I'm sorry about your dog, and I really wish I had words of comfort that weren't cliche.

You said she was a wedding gift, if you don't mind me asking, are you still married? Sorry if that's personal or painful to talk about.

Your mum sounds like a fighter! I'm sorry seeing your parents brings on such intense anxiety.

I don't mean to be cliche or dismissive. I am really at a loss as to what to say.

YP

[Rubix]

I truly do appreciate people like yourself (YP) taking the time to respond. If nothing else it's at least some form of personal communication in a world where I find that I am cutting ties with the few people I know (or making no effort to maintain relationships). I'm not trying to dismiss the efforts of caring people in this forum. It's just for me nothing seems to help; though there's no more appropriate place for me to talk about such matters.

Technically I am still married. That whole story is the major reason I found myself here. For all the issues that contribute to my misery, the breakup of my family unit cuts deepest. Salvaging that is about the only goal I have left in life. Without that I will forever have nothing, and be no one.