Dating when you have generalised anxiety disorder

[Romy]

Hi! I've had generalised anxiety for about 7 years...I am on medication for it now which has honestly changed my life and anxiety definitely doesn't rule my whole life like it used to. However, I do find that when it comes to dating and new relationships, I struggle a bit with my anxiety and whilst it doesn't always take over my everyday life, it's always sort of lingering when I'm seeing someone new.

I've been on a few dates here and there, but I've never been in a serious, long term relationship. I find that I'll go on a first date and I'll be nervous like any normal person, but then it's the second and third dates when my anxiety really starts to show. When I know that I actually like somebody, and I see a future with them, my anxiety is constant. I feel shaky, nauseous, tingly, I don't have as much of an appetite and many other physical effects, even if I'm not with the person..it's just always there.

I know myself..I know this is normal for me, and that it's the excitement and the change of seeing someone new who I really like, but I guess I'm just wondering if other people struggle with this when they're dating somebody new and how you deal with it? There's been times when I've taken a quick-acting anxiety pill to calm down and get me through the date, but I don't want to rely on that all the time.

Any tips?

[PamelaR]

Hello Romy

Welcome to Beyond Blue (BB) forums. People on these forums are supportive and caring. You'll find a few may respond to your post providing some advice.

It's so good you are aware of what's happening to you - A great achievement. Managing anxiety is ongoing.

Anxiety can make you feel terrible. I have suffered from it for a very long time, but was only diagnosed with it some years ago. So I understand what you are experiencing and how frightening that may be for you. It's good you've reached out to see if you can get help.

You ask - I guess I'm just wondering if other people struggle with this when they're dating somebody new and how you deal with it? I think that it is normal for someone with generalised anxiety to have panic attacks in situations where you want to do your best. In this instance you want to make a good impression because you like the person and that's why your anxiety increases as you get to know them.

Are you still seeing your doctor for anxiety? If so, you might like to discuss this matter with them and they might consider referring you to a therapist (psychologist or psychiatrist etc) to help manage your anxiety. If you like, think about asking your doctor whether you could go on a Mental Health Plan (MHP) so you get Medicare assistance for 10 visits. If you do want to make such arrangements, get an extended visit with your doctor because they will need to ask you a series of questions to complete the plan.

Also have you had a look at the following?

• BB homepage under Facts for information on anxiety? It is a good source of information. https://www.beyondblue.org.au
• the threads under Anxiety in this forum? https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety

Let us know how you get on. Just remember you are not alone, there are many out there who suffer from anxiety and in situations where you want to be your best.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Romy]

Hi Pamela, thanks for your reply! I only really discuss my anxiety with my doctor when I need to get my script refilled. I have been on a mental healthcare plan before, years ago when my anxiety first started. Because my anxiety was so severe then, I didn't find it incredibly helpful because, whilst I'm in a psychology session, talking through my problems and how to deal with them feels easy, but then when I'm actually in the middle of an anxiety attack, all that stuff just goes out the window. I just want to clarify that my anxiety is not debilitating at the moment. I am still getting on with my everyday life fine. The anxiety is just sort of lingering in the background, but maybe having a few sessions with someone could be beneficial! It definitely couldn't hurt.

[PamelaR]

Hi Romy

Thank you for getting back. We are sometimes left wondering how people have gotten on.

It's great to hear you see your doctor and that you've been on a MHP previously. Maybe the last time you went to a psychologist, they weren't the right one for you. It's important that you get what you need from them. Going to another psychologist may be helpful. Generally when a psychologist isn't doing me any good, I talk to my doctor and explain. He then recommends a new one and is happy to do so until I find one that does.

Understanding and actively managing anxiety helps to go about your everyday life in a calmer way.

Some of the things I practice when I start being anxious is:

Breath in and out slowly for as long as needed, focussing all the time on the breathe going in through the nose, lungs and diaphragm then out through the mouth . Usually to the count of 4 or more. Sometimes I even hold my breath for 4 before releasing. You can do this and people are not aware it's happening.

Ground myself. Do you do yoga? It's a bit like that. Ideally it's done with feet on the ground, however, I find it useful even when I have shoes on. Focus on your feet touching the ground (while breathing slowly). Also have a look at the grounding thread under 'Staying Well'

Do some mindfulness. Have you done this before? Have a look at mindfulness thread under 'Staying Well'. Again you can do this while you're out. It's being aware of the present moment, bringing your mind back to what you are doing. If you are out eating, be aware of every mouthful, how you chew it. Let the other person do some talking.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Romy]

I have done all these things, yes! Yoga is particularly calming for me, I love it. I don't really know how to explain it, but I'm just struggling with the constant lingering anxiety leading up to the date....It's sort of like an out of body experience and with me, I tend to feel sick and have other tummy issues and sometime I just feel like I need a good cry (which can be very helpful!). I personally think I sometimes just need to ride the anxiety, and let it do its thing. When I know that what I am feeling is anxiety, it makes me feel a little bit better because I know that I've dealt with it before and that it won't hang around forever. I have my second date tomorrow, I will let you know how I get on!

[PamelaR]

Hello Romy, i

I often feel not worthy enough for anyone to like you. Are you anything like that? My psychologist says this leads to my anxiety and subsequently a 'self-fulfilling prophecy' (i.e. the relationship won't go any further).

I've been given homework to - become aware of my body responses and feelings (e.g. heart starts palpitating strongly). Then to look at that the most impactful body response/feeling, e.g. fear. After that I'm to identify what 'causes that fear' - look at why I go into such a fear response, e.g. my mother used to 'scrutinise all my friends and stopped me being friends with who she thought was 'not good enough' '. So my psych has put to me is -

• to challenge those 'stories' I tell myself.
• to change the stories to something that is better, to help proceed, e.g. from thinking people don't like me to - thinking I have something to offer this person as a friend. BTW, this is a long process and doesn't happen overnight. Maybe have a think about this for tomorrow's date.

Let us know how it turns out.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Romy]

I do not fear not being liked, because we have both told eachother that we like eachother. I know myself very well and I know that I'm anxious about the anxiety itself. I worry about being anxious, and I worry that I'll be anxious on a date so I'll vomit and embarrass myself. So by being anxious about being anxious, I'm just anxious! I went on the second date. I really like the guy, and I haven't felt this way about any other guy I've been on dates with. It started off rough for me. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and I had a minor panic attack in there (which for me means vomiting). But I was honest with him about it. I went back out and I told him I had had a panic attack because he knows that I do suffer from anxiety. From there the date went great. We ended up sitting in a park and talking for hours and he asked me questions about my anxiety so now that he knows symptoms and things that make me anxious, I feel so much better and like I don't have to hide it. I'm still anxious..it doesn't just go away, even when the guy is so nice and understanding. But I'm the type of person who still pushes through and does things, even with crippling anxiety. I think for me, this is something I just have to get through until one day the anxiety passes, because I do really like him and he likes me, and I know I'm strong enough to just push through because sometimes the anxiety is something that I just have to get through!

on a side note: I'm interested in any reccomendations for online meditations/hypnotherapy that I can access for free? I still like to be productive and try things to relax in everyday life ☺️

[PamelaR]

Hi Romy

I do absolutely relate to your fear of fear. This happens to me all the time. Fear makes more fear. Stopping the fear is the solution. Easier said than done I'm sorry. M

I'd like to take a slight diversion to your post a little if that's okay.

You think your nausea, vomiting is associated with anxiety. Do you know that for sure?

For instance do you eat food or drink when you're out on dates?

I'm asking this because I too have severe anxietu and frequently have been nauseas and vomiting after eating out. While I suffer from severe anxiety and think part is due to this, I have also isolated that I'm dairy intolerant. So much food, drink (white coffee) contains milk, milk fats that I never realised until I was continually vomiting following a meal or drink out. But not at home. So, it got me thinking and I eliminated dairy from my diet and have not looked back. And I really mean eliminating 'everything containing dairy'. You have to ask for it. Vomiting while out is very stress provoking!

Just something to think about - not necessarily your situation!

Great that you let me know what's happening. I do appreciate it.

re your questions about:

Meditation - do a google search for meditation. There is a lot of material available on YouTube. Make a selection of what you like. There is a lot of different material out there and it depends on your preferences. In addition there are meditation apps, I've never used these because using YouTube is more my thing. However, have a look at available phone apps.

Hypnotherapy - that is a different thing. Over my life I have done a lot of self hypnotherapy using meditation, grounding, yoga as a basis. More recently I had a psychologist who 'kind of used it', though it was never talked about in that way. It was referred to as indepth relaxation technique. So in a way I can't give you my experience or knowledge on hypnotherapy as such. Maybe someone else on the forums can help.

Think about whether you want to start a thread under Staying Well on hypnotherapy and see what happens?

BTW have you seen anything about our rather stress relieving party under the social topics. Do a search for Weetbix. It is rather out there, but it's all good fun. Many people are feeling some relief from their everyday MI.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Romy]

Definitely vomiting because of my anxiety. I don't only vomit just when I've eaten something in public. I feel sick at the thought of doing something anxiety provoking. Sometimes I can barely eat from nausea and anxiety, yet I still vomit.

[bluewater]

Romy I too have had a fast acting pill to help with anxiety on a date and like you I wish it wasn't the case.

Unfortunately I have found no way to make it better but ride it out! It's so hard... I have found once you can get to the third date and actually feel comfortable to talk about, in saying that it's never easy.

I have previously found myself going home and thinking is this all worth it and felt like calling it off! I'd self sabotage any potential happiness over this anxiety and like you when im in a high anxiety state everything goes out the window... good luck with everything