Cyclically afflicted by severe Anxiety and paranoia

[Biospythagorikos]

Is the following typical of anxiety disorders? I have been plagued since adolescent with regular, almost cyclic, bouts of crippling anxiety. These are accompanied by ridiculous paranoia and unbidden thoughts. I had thought that this was related to work stress but about a year ago I left my high stress job to study and be a stay at home parent. I am also running a small market business on the side. The bouts of anxiety have not diminished. I realise now that I am not in control of this process and my brain seeks out anything to anxiously riff on. I don't believe I have panic attacks. My extended periods of mild to moderate panic.

The cyclic bit is that one week I feel like nothing can stop me. I'm on my way to a PHD. They might just as well give it to me now as I am such an academic super star. My market business is going great and the kids... I am always worried about the kids.

The next week I am dropping courses, feeling like I should not even be on campus, that I am a fool for thinking that I could do this, that the Uni is plotting against me to try and get me to leave. That my very presence is diminishing the experience for the other students. That there is no future in what I am studying. That my market business is just a ridiculous indulgence. That my friends have turned against me for any number of perceived slights. That extended family members have been slipping accumulating poisons in my drinks at family gatherings for years. That my partner has had enough of me and it is probably only a matter of time before they leave. That I have failed as a parent and set a weak example for my children. During these phases of the cycle any social contact precipitates a few days of paranoid analysis of every thing that was said to me and moments of mortification when recalling things I said, how I behaved and what people must be saying about it. These paranoid thoughts are unbidden and unstoppable. What is worse is that over the years some of them have built up into ridiculous chronicles in my head with full back stories all built on stupid paranoid untruths. I breath life in to these by acting on them. It is like a creeping ball of expanda foam slowly engulfing everything before it and turning bad.

I have read loads of books about this, and think I have a bit of an understanding of CBT. I eat well, don't drink and exercise when I can. But this if anything seems to be getting worse.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Biospythagorikos,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

To be honest with you, there are parts of what you've described that sounds like more than an anxiety disorder. I am a little bit hesitant though to share my concerns because we are only getting a small picture of what's happening for you. Even if we did have a big picture though, a diagnosis (of anything) can only be made in person.

Can I ask if you've considered seeing a GP or Psychiatrist?

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Biospythagorikos,

Great to see you posting on the Beyond Blue forum. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with the symptoms you describe. I cannot comment on whether this is a presentation 'typical' of anxiety as every individual experiences anxiety in a different way and no one person is the same. There are also several different types of anxiety.

What is fantastic to hear is that you are motivated to resolve your symptoms and already describe a lot of things in place to support getting back to wellness including eating well, exercising and maintaining a positive work-life balance. You have describe an inconsistency in your symptoms and I would encourage you to start a diary of your mood and the symptoms your experiencing. There is an easy app called Daylio or you can use a standard journal. This will support a health professional to better understand your symptoms and can help reveal triggers.

To get clarity on your symptoms I would seek some support. One of the best places to start is with your GP. They can refer you to see a mental health professional such as a psychologist or counsellor. A GP will work on a Mental Health Care plan with you and refer you to the right program or professional based on whats available.

If you don't feel comfortable going to a Doctor, you could try another program called Mindspot that offers Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) online. This is a free online CBT program where you do a course both online and have some phone contact. It might be a place to start your journey or you may find that you want a more personal approach. You can visit Mindspot at www.mindspot.org.au

There is another option but is only available in some areas of Australia which is a developed by Beyond Blue program called NewAccess. It supports people with anxiety and/or depression using low intensity CBT. This is delivered by a specifically trained health professionals and it includes up to 6-sessions. You can read more about this free program by visiting the site and finding out if it is in your area.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/newaccess

Any of the above programs will encourage you to build a relationship with a GP so its a good idea to make an appointment. Having symptoms of worry and negative thinking is common. You are not alone. Just by coming to the forum you will find countless others who are sharing their unique experiences and tips for recovery.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn