Constant unrest and loud reactions - What is happening to me ?

[in_search]

O.K. Here is my problem:
I am 34 years old. A male. My mind is at constant unrest. I have had a blessed life with all professional success, great family and good friends. My family is very loving and peaceful.

From about 10 years, I keep constantly remembering people (the ones whom I would have met a couple of days ago, or from a surprisingly distant past - triggered based on a situation) and frame situations in my mind and have 'loud' conversations with them. Please note that I know this is not happening in real - but just in my mind. So, I don't think I am hallucinating at all. But I am obsessed with conversing with one or the other person - almost every minute of the day. And I do it 'loudly'.

Over the last few years, I have started picking on people who have hurt or insulted me, and undergo the above mentioned cycle of mental unrest. I frame tough and challenging situations in my head and constantly fight them verbally 'aloud'. I use swear words. I cannot control it and I am unable to calm myself down when I do that. Sometimes, I bang my fist, slap people and kick around in thin air. Again, even in this, I am constantly aware that this is not happening in real but just my obsessed behavior of living various situation in my head - but reacting and talking in physical reality.

People in my work have noticed it (just talking part, I don't hit or kick anything in public) - and they try not to make me uncomfortable and so, never speak about it. I do this - even knowing that they are aware - but I cannot stop myself.

90% I am fighting with people and other 10% of the time, I am having nice, funny or excited discussing - all 'aloud'. And I can't stop myself in the middle of it - even when I am telling myself to stop it. I need to get it out.

I did consult a psychologist - who said this is 'psychosis' - but he wasted time by just telling me lame stuf like, 'be in the present' - without any tips and expert advice on how to 'achieve' it. I don't want to blame him, but I did not find it helpful and I want to seek out for help here and see how it goes.

I used to do this in my adolescence or childhood, but had disappeared and this came back to me in my mid-twenties again.

What's happening to me ?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi in search,

That does sound very draining and confusing. It must be so unsettling to not quite understand what is causing all this...

I’m not sure why it might be happening either. I wonder if there was a particular event both in your mid twenties and recently that triggered these loud, emotional conversations...perhaps there is a common element that hasn’t yet been identified.

Regardless, it does sound tricky to manage. Maybe you could try to contact your psychologist and specifically ask for more practical strategies...

Sorry, I’m not sure if I’ve been very helpful. But it would still be lovely to hear from you again, if and when you feel like writing. Sometimes it can be cathartic to talk here. That being said, there’s no pressure of course.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[geoff]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry that these thoughts have been annoying you, it's certainly making you feel very uncomfortable.

I'm not qualified to mention any of this, only a doctor or psych would be able to, all we can do is relate your story to our own experience.

At the moment you can’t control this, it’s an obsession, it's not something that's simple to forget about but these thoughts are difficult to escape, so I'm only referring to OCD here, only because I have it, and I wonder whether you would call this as having 'intrusive thoughts'.

Like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[in_search]

Hi Peppermintbach and Geoff,

Thanks for your kindness and concern - I appreciate it. I do understand that there is something going on here as Peppermintbach points it out - some common element in mid-twenties and present to trigger this. The most dominating element is 'hurt'. I was cheated in my business venture by a friend in mid-twenties and about 3 years ago, I was badly bullied by another close friend of mine - who was pretty narcissistic. It is probably that reason why 90% of the time I remember hurtful situations in life and fight about it.

I also find Geoff's reasoning really apt, because if not for hurtful outbursts, I am also 'obsessively' conversing and talking loudly with some other character about happy, normal and funny things. It also could be a 'habit' that I have developed very strongly and unable to let go of it easily.

I do appreciate both of your opinions and help in this regard greatly.

Good luck, cheers.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi in search,

Thanks so much for your reply. It’s great to hear from you again. You clearly have a lot of self insight, which is a wonderful attribute 🙂

What you’re saying make a lot of sense to me. It does sound Iike feelings of hurt seem to play a role in perhaps triggering those loud conversations. I’m also glad Geoff’s caring reply gave you something to think about...

Perhaps those are both topics that you might like to raise if you see a psychologist (or other professional) again. Maybe they might be able to offer another opinion and strategies to help you manage those conservations and associated feelings.

Please feel free to write in any time you feel like/want to. We are here listening (reading).

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper