Close, but no baby- when your unrealistic goals are not met, but life still goes on.

[Me__myself_and_my_unrelen]

Six years ago I met an incredible guy. We immediately began planning our life together and had decided to start trying for a family the year he turned 30. We moved in together, got a cat, got engaged, I won a permanent position at work, and we even started buying things for a baby glory box.
Then reality set in.
That tiny voice in my head that always bossed me around began to boss my fiancé around too. It nearly tore us apart a number of times and I was eventually diagnosed with traits of anxiety and obsessive compulsive personality disorder, requiring therapy and medication. It became pretty clear that we both had a long journey to go through before we could handle a healthy marriage and start a family.

So now we are in those months that we originally dreamed of being pregnant, and instead I'm packing away all of those artefacts we bought (a cot, clothes, blankets, bottles) and reminding myself that it's not the end of the world... and not believing it in the slightest.

I could tell myself that I am still so young, that I can travel and focus on building my career more. I can finally learn German fluently and get lost in books, and I'm doing all of that. But then at the end of the day when I lay down on the couch, exhausted from filling my time with whatever I can to distract myself, that tiny little voice reminds me that I have failed at getting the one thing I want most in life- a family of my own.

So I've decided to learn acceptance. I need to accept that this is a time of my life where there will be some emptiness and some pain. These feelings will not last forever and I don't need to run from them. Yes, it does suck that I must put this moment on hold, but I know that I will be a better person and a better mother if I work on my controlling behaviour and my anxiety attacks before taking such a huge plunge.

But why post about it? I'm hoping someone out there has been in the same situation.

What have you put on hold while you worked on yourself?

How did you handle the days where life reminded you of your unfinished goal?

What do you do if you are never able to reach your goals?

Your stories are all welcome here.

[blondguy]

Hello Me

Welcome to the forums and you are one of many (including myself) that have the same issues and yes it hurts big time to look in the 'rear vision mirror' and seen how we have done what we have. I understand you..Your post is crystal clear and well articulated.

If I may let you know how strong you are by posting. This takes huge strength which you obviously have

Packing all the artifacts away would be very painful. To ignore that pain would be denial as you know

Out of respect for you, here is some info about me so you know who you are talking to....I am ex corporate/senior management and have been on the forums for just over 2 years due to directors having no grasp/idea about anxiety/depression and have made a choice not to involve myself in senior roles anymore

Having generalized anxiety disorder combined with setting goals was a major source of anticipatory anxiety (just for me that is)

To answer your questions....

• Yes...there are many people on the forums like us
• Just for me...I have put my whole career on pause and much of my social life (as my anxiety didnt help)
• Handling the days re unfinished goals?....Just for me I only plan for tomorrow or next week/month now....anything else only hinders my recovery
• If I cant ever reach my goals?....I am grateful to have my small support network (some are still in the private sector) and especially my health. I have had generalised anxiety followed by depression since 1983 and this is my time now
• Super frequent counseling worked wonders for me.....after I realised the benefits from a community based mental health care worker. I had weekly consults for 7 months and cried my eyes out many times venting to this young but career focused psychiatric nurse. I wish he was still around as he gave me my life back
• Just my opinion....Our goals (especially career) fade into insignificance when we really accept that our own health is paramount and all other considerations are secondary

Mental health aside for a moment if I may....I really feel for you with your plans for a family and especially your plans for a family (your baby glory box)

Your post has really touched me. I hope you can continue to be a part of the Beyond Blue forum family 🙂

My name is Paul and pleased to meet you

Kindest thoughts for you

[Croix]

Dear Mmamus (sorry too long a mouthful:)~

I think you are a very sensible and realistic person. I'm sorry you have this detour to deal with in your life.

You did ask for others to say "What do you do if you are never able to reach your goals?", however although I was going to say I decided against it. I had a life's ambition, I had to abandon it, I've found compensations and another life. I'm not detailing this because I think our positions are fundamentally different.

True at the moment starting a family is on hold - which goes to show you are going to be an excellent thoughtful parent. You are dealing with the problem. You do deal with things. The way you nearly broke up your relationship, now things are better. The fact you have this list of lesser ambitions you are falling back on, how great.

Paule has given good advice, rely upon medical support, keep close to the ones you love. May I ask how your partner is taking this? I'd imagine it would be a big blow to him too.

You also asked what one does when life reminds you of unfinished goals. I can only answer for myself. Some I know I will attain, given the time. Some I suspect I won't. I try to look at those as see what it is about them that attracted me, that made me want to do them, and see if that need is satisfied by things I'm doing now or could do.

A silly trivial example. All my life I rode a motorbike, now I can't and wont be able to again. A car - but with hear-a-books and podcasts - has replaced that particular enjoyment of getting from A to B. I still miss the bike at times but am OK with the change.

All a bit vague I'm afraid, does it make any sort of sense?

Croix

[CLS29]

It never ceases to amaze me when you come across a discussion in these forums and it perfectly resonates with you. This one is me to a tee!

I have been married for about 6 months and have been with my now husband for years prior to that. We've started trying for a family for a few months now and to no avail. We have wanted children for a long time, but chose to establish careers, a house, and get married before we started to try. We knew it might not happen straight away, but to be honest, we thought it would be a couple of months max. It's taken longer than that and I can already see the strain it has placed on us. Before we were even married family members were giving us their baby things, thinking we would be next. I now fear we won't be. And you know what? A bout of anxiety about actually being pregnant made me realise that that's ok. I am choosing to focus on the positives and to relax. I am forcing myself to do this, and to not pee on a stick every two weeks and cross my fingers. I was becoming fixated on those two bloody lines until I started to imagine that there was actually two there.

I am forcing myself to enjoy some child free time with my husband. We are still newlyweds and we are still young. We have so much to be thankful for; and as much as we want a family, that will come. It may not be the time or the way in which we want it to, but we have to have faith that it will happen when the time is right for us. I had a friend that was trying for 18 months to conceive. She went on a girl's trip overseas, came home, and was pregnant as soon as she walked through the front door. She learnt to relax and to not think about it. Her second child was conceived first try. And now I feel like she is wishing she waited a little longer and enjoyed the time she could.

So I don't know about you but I am choosing to take the pressure off my marriage, off my fertility, and just enjoy my life as it is for now. Any problems down the track will be dealt with then. And I too am learning acceptance.

CLS x