Can't separate my emotions from others'

[Olivia2]

Hello.....Wondering if anyone else experiences this as part of their anxiety. I'm a 39 year old female and have basically 'parented' both my parents pretty much all of my life. I'm an only child. As an adult I have experienced ongoing depression and anxiety which I have only recently had a lightbulb moment and been partly able to attribute to this (in addition to other trauma as a teenager). I am finding it extremely difficult to separate my own emotions from others and I have read this is a huge part of being a 'child-parent'. I am moving overseas with my family soon and my father is devastated by this prospect. So even though I am excited for my future, and that of my sons', I can't seem to remove myself from his devastation. We are also quite close but at times I have found this closeness to also be suffocating. I love him dearly as he has been both a rock for me as well as perpetuating this behaviour. So unlike my mum who I can completely detach myself from because I just can't maintain a relationship with her (narcissistic amongst other things) I'm finding it hard to reconcile my feelings of what my dad is experiencing. I have had therapy for years and take medication but I am still yet to find a way of differentiating between my stuff and his stuff. He is coming to visit us this week and my anxiety is through the roof as it will be the last visit before we go overseas and I know how sad he is going to be. I was wondering what strategies people have used if any of you can identify with this kind of emotional enmeshment...? I tell my brain it is nonsensical but it won't listen, it's been hard-wired this way and won't let go of the pattern!

[white knight]

Hi Olivia, welcome again

Well, you and I have a lot in common. Firstly a narcissistic mother and a beautiful dad. My dad passed away in 1992 at 64yo. Up until then he was used as a weapon by my mother. I'll fall short of saying he was a doormat but you get my meaning.

For me it was impossible to get my dad alone without my mother present. If she heard or suspected us two had had a conversation without her she would make it a big deal and demand to know what was said. And so on.

This leads me to ask you - can you talk to him alone? The reason- to reassure him of your love for him and to tell him that going overseas wont be the end of the relationship you both have. Also, to remind him subtly that you have a mental illness condition that you find really challenging and any pressure that is placed upon you, especially things you have no control over, isn't helpful. i.e. "Please dad, can you do me a big favour and swallow the fact that I have to leave and give me your blessing".

If you cant do this one on one then do it in front of your mother anyhow...but be prepared to ask her to be quiet while you talk to your dad. You should insist that you have the right to address your dad about topics without interference.

There are thread for good reading here-(use google on the following)

"Topic: my BPD mother made me an emotional basket case- beyondblue"

"Topic: controlling your life, how important is it?- beyondblue"

"Topic: emotional blackmail- likely extreme BPD- beyondblue"

Hope they help.

Tony WK

Hope that helps. 

[Olivia2]

Thank you WK, I like your approach. I hadn't thought of actually naming it like that and saying 'this is actually making my illness worse'. I think he kindv'e diagnosed himself with a dependent personality many years ago so I think this is bringing it out in him - I am still being expected to carry his emotional load to a great extent. My parents are actually divorced and I have the complicating factor of a fairly manipulative and emotionally unaware step-mother in the mix as well. But I do have some time with just dad and I and did hint at this previously - that he needs to get counselling to get through it and that that will then help me. I think also the dynamic has changed since having my son, and all of a sudden I'm not as reliant on my dad as I used to be therefore breaking the co-dependence which I think he still craves. Fascinating how a move overseas has been the catalyst for me in recognising these patterns of behaviour. Again at a conscious level I can make sense of it but underneath it I still ruminate and worry about the effect it has on him. It's like I just cannot let go of that. Ironically one of the reasons we are moving is to be closer to family and friends - my husband is from o/s. Another question I would like to ask is: has anyone else managed to help themselves heal from this kind of conditioning with meditation? I am curious as to whether there are specific meditation exercises for this particular focus. Meanwhile I'll also look up those other posts you have suggested thanks WK. 

[white knight]

Hi Olivia

I think its important to separate your fathers issues and your own. He has his own responsibilities and even if you cant help him with them it should not be an obligation for you to carry his load as well as your own. The weight of it all is beginning to take its toll. You are not in this world to carry others burdens. Harsh as it might read.

As far as direct meditation is concerned I've only focussed on a man called Maharaji or real name Prem Rawat. He has many youtube videos you can google. EG (my fav) "youtube prem rawat maharaji sunset" and youtube prem rawat the perfect instrument" and you'll see many more there. An amazing man. Also for anxiety I have used muscle tensioning exercises for 28 years now. Every night before sleeping. I'm anxiety free now. In the beginning of that journey were panic attacks from a workplace issue so medication and therapy was also in the mix. I also had an issue with distinguishing between what was realistic and what was not. My imagination was rampant. This level of illness needs therapy. So a trip to your GP might be in order here also.

Hope this helps.

Tony WK

[Olivia2]

Helps very much thank you WK!