Can't face going to work, but worried what happens if I quit

[TJE]

I was diagnosed with anxiety about 18 months ago, but now see that I've been struggling with it for years without knowing it.

I'm having a particularly bad few weeks, especially the last few days. I went back to work after Christmas on Monday and while objectively nothing REALLY bad happened I was in tears when I got home. I'm an English as a second language teacher and it seemed the students (young adults) were just really disengaged and didn't want to be there, they grumbled and moaned about getting on their feet to do activities that are supposed to help bring up the energy. I was paranoid some were laughing at me. I know it was the first day back for them as well and they're only human, but I still feel very much like it's down to me.

I only retrained and started teaching last year and this is a new class, so I am trying to be kind to myself in that it's a new career and I'm still finding my feet, but right now I'm just struggling to get from one day to the next. I called in sick yesterday and today. During lessons there isn't really any 'down time' to have a moment - the nature of the job is that you're in front of the class leading things every day.

I'm thinking about quitting, which would be a short term relief, but then comes with money worries and probably looking for a new job. I'm not sure I'm eligible for much in the way of benefits. It would also feel like a bit of a failing, given that my wife and I only recently put a lot of time, money and effort into retraining me for a new career that we hoped would suit me better.

I spoke to my wife about it and she's generally really supportive and tries to help me see things more objectively and not be so down on myself. But when it got to the point where I confessed I wasn't sure I could carry on with the job she is quite worried both about me and about the future - money, rent, bills, all that stuff in the short term, whether we'll be able to save for a house, have kids etc in the longer term. I feel like I'd be letting her down when she's been so supportive and given me money for retrainig, to cover the rent while I was looking for a teaching job etc.

I've had two sessions with a physchologist at the end of last year, but she's away until the end of Jan. So I'm seeing my GP this afternoon, although I'm not sure really what I'm expecting her to do.

I don't really know what replies/advice I'm expecting either, other than to get this off my chest.

[TJE]

Hey - just an update that I guess might help other struggling with getting into work.

With a few days rest, and meds calming me down a bit, I went back to work today. Still had to drag myself out of bed, had a bit of a wobble on the way there and briefly considered turning around, but made it into the school. That 'teaching isn't for you' thought cropped up again.

A few of the students asked how I was feeling, which was nice. Still felt on edge during the first two hours or so of the lesson (I tend to be worse in the mornings) but got through it, trying to remember the more disengaged, taciturn students are adults and are making their choice about how much or how little they want to get out of the course. There are some things I can do, like going to them with a question, but short of standing over them the whole time I can't make them do the work and it's up to them.

Talking to the teacher who covered that class while I was off, she also said some of them were lacking motivation and commitment - so it's not just me being a failure as a teacher.

So, it wasn't the best, but I got myself in there and got though the day the best I could.

I guess the point I wanted to make is, if you're having similar struggles with work, I'm so grateful that I saw my GP, got advice, got medication, talked to Beyond Blue, posted on here and (although to be honest I can't really see myself having a 'regular/routine' day at work in the forseeable future) things weren't nearly as bad as I thought or as difficult as I imagined. There is lots of help available - please make use of it.