But life IS scary for me

[Simona]

Being alive is like being inside a pinball machine and now and then someone comes along and try to give it a good tilt.   

Like the new car sitting in the driveway that I'm too scared to drive.  Partner and his parents don't understand. They keep checking in on me like I'm mentally disabled "So have you gone for a drive yet"?  they ask gently     NO. I want the old car back because it was a machine not a computer. Except I'm trapped here in the desert and need to drive into nearest town for supplies. For anything.

This is a rant now. Living in the country is not what I imagined it would be.  If I had a horse to ride I'd be happier somewhat but..i'm bored with the scenery & lack of things to do.  I'm bored of collecting insects/arachnids now and lost interest in photography. And all the locals (men mostly )congregate at the pub and drink beer and talk about crops/their health issues or small town gossip. I went in there and spied so I know.   Or the very old people rake leaves seemingly.....till early evening.    Just depresses me.   You grow old.  Rake leaves. Or make Jam.

Not me!!! I don't belong here : / I want to go places - Brazil in particular. I  want to visit Mt Corcovado and just stand in the shadow of Christ The Redeemer wearing my arait's and a nice summery white cotton dress.     I'm not meant for here but partner says we are not moving because his business is here and 'chugging along nicely'.   

*Further more and yet on another topic*

I can't believe I am unable to continue writing my so called novel.   It's like 4 years in the making now and I pulled out the manifesto yesterday and thought:   who the hell wrote all this?   And how am I supposed to finish it?  what drugs do I need to be on?  Where is this person? Which brings me to worry that I don't know who I am and maybe I have another personality I left somewhere...like a missing sock.

[Simona]

My right cerebral . if I could choose; I'd keep the high because when I'm really happy people smile back and if I can keep my eyes from moving around I can actually engage visually and appear normal and what occurs is a 'chat' or mini conversation.   And that's how you get a friend : )

This excites me no end but not in that hyperactive way. I just let out a sigh and go "Yeah, Aha, Oh for sure" and I go back to my car gently nibbling on my bottom lip with some serious intentions.  That was today.  Other times I just rub my hands together because it feels good.  I think that's called a 'tick'.   

Yes. i got the message. I will try to be as honest with the psychiatrist as i have been here but i 'm scared also. I don't know what's wrong with me.  Maybe i need an MRI. Maybe it's biological.   I did flip over a 1st floor balcony and was knocked out from hitting the concrete path some years back

[Guest_1055]

Dear Simona

I want to say to you, you made me smile today. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

As I began reading your posts here, I have come to the conclusion that you express yourself and write very well. Oh my gosh I sound like a school English teacher. But truly,and I hope it is OK but I did giggle, you show such humour. I am a little scared that I will offend you.  And I so much don't want to do that. FBut I was blessed and you help me to smile today and you did lighten my heart.

With kikndness  to you Simona

Shelley anne

[Simona]

Oh wow. No offense taken at all sweet Shelley anne : )  I'm happy to be at your service.  Because the Jehovas come for chit-chat once a month and I like it when I make them smile too.  And i hope they feel as blessed as you when they leave because I rather think they're more lost than me for they roam the streets in all weather and keep coming back to me : )

Love

Simona

[Simona]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm autistic.  Because I can't seem to recognize a trigger

I'm calling mum   : /

This is not a good start to the day at all

[HelenM]

Dear Simona

I had to reply to your posts because you, like me, are an open book. You say everything and I'm told, it isn't always wise. I can't help it. My mind gets jam packed with stuff. I live in the lost and found world; well in the last year I have. I am trying to reconcile myself to the situation. I had hoped my story would end happy ever after but I think my illness is always going to be a work in  progress.

You will know people on here are so helpful. Few people 'out there' (that's Scotland for me) can fully grasp the essence of mental illness. I think you have to suffer or be very close to someone to understand.

I haven't read all your posts but really like your style of writing.

Take care, Helen

[Simona]

Hello Helen  : )    

Thank-you for that.   It's made me feel better.  

because it was a bad day yesterday and it's been a bad day today. And last night i sat in the dark away from the house because all i wanted was to be alone but i was hunted down.  And i was monitored while having shower too incase i was to drown myself

(That is tasteless joke slash 'dry' humour)

: /

I  think i understand  what you mean by the lost and found world.  For me it's a floating lost property box   

I will type more when I'm ok again.   because I'm still upset about the rejection.   Today i have been back behind the lens of my Nikon again.     I have taken new action photos this time with a .....bee.  

mylifeisaseriesofcoincidences

[Simona]

 

Today is the 1st day of my short course.   I will try to be more mysterious and not so open and pretend (inside my head) that i'm a spy.  I do this sometimes across the road at the pub when I'm very restless but i only drink soda water.

 and

I will try to practice the mystery more because it's true what you said Helen. It resonates with me a lot.  Being too open HAS gotten me into alot of trouble.   It's just who i am and sometimes i visualize a roll of duct tape which i have named 'Johnny' = Duct Tape Johnny.  To try and muffle/muzzle myself when feeling particularly excited.

I can be very opinionated and very literal.   I have dry humour which is not always well received BUT my partner does laugh at me when i confuse words like the two invalids.   Because he has a bad back and i call him the wrong one and he says i put him in 'stitches'

 

[Guest_1055]

Hi Simona

I have been reading a few of your posts, trying to understand what your life is like for you. Trying to see it how you truly see it. Sometimes I can understand what you write, sometimes I am unable to understand it at all. But I want to. I can see you have a fascination with bees, can you explain what that all means, I'm sorry if I am being nosey, I just want to truly understand you.

Oh what is the short course you are doing? I hope you are getting along OK today. And I think it is great that you can laugh with the ones you love. I even remember you helping me to smile on day,, and showing me the funny side of life.

Take care Simona and with hugs to you.

Shelley anne XXX

[Simona]

Today I am  : I  slash : /     

I have been playing Tchaikovsky's piano concerto 1 .   And i wanted to be alone  so i parked in a quiet place by the river

Yesterday : )  x 100    because I enjoyed the art class and I got along with the other students.   I made them all smile and laugh which equated to = relaxed casual set to party atmosphere.   

( That's because when I'm happy i become a performance artist . Christen me with spirits = I'll be your sweet Loretta )

Which is why i drink plain soda water with a slice of lemon and practice abstinence

I can't talk about the bees because it's a 'trigger'story.   But thank-you for your kindness and hugs.   You remind me of fizzy lemonade Shelley anne - sparkling and sweet and as bright as bottled sunshine   : )

Love,

Simona

[Simona]

Dear Simona

We must bluntly  inform that the Ecstatica  Chipper Train has derailed  somewhere between Madness and Melancholia and will NOT be running today therefore you have three (3) options :

1/ Harden up

2/ Take a spoonful of cement  

3/ Suck it up 'princess'

*You have been reminded to restrain the rage and go easy on the new Dyson head.  They're getting too expensive to replace*