But life IS scary for me

[Simona]

Being alive is like being inside a pinball machine and now and then someone comes along and try to give it a good tilt.   

Like the new car sitting in the driveway that I'm too scared to drive.  Partner and his parents don't understand. They keep checking in on me like I'm mentally disabled "So have you gone for a drive yet"?  they ask gently     NO. I want the old car back because it was a machine not a computer. Except I'm trapped here in the desert and need to drive into nearest town for supplies. For anything.

This is a rant now. Living in the country is not what I imagined it would be.  If I had a horse to ride I'd be happier somewhat but..i'm bored with the scenery & lack of things to do.  I'm bored of collecting insects/arachnids now and lost interest in photography. And all the locals (men mostly )congregate at the pub and drink beer and talk about crops/their health issues or small town gossip. I went in there and spied so I know.   Or the very old people rake leaves seemingly.....till early evening.    Just depresses me.   You grow old.  Rake leaves. Or make Jam.

Not me!!! I don't belong here : / I want to go places - Brazil in particular. I  want to visit Mt Corcovado and just stand in the shadow of Christ The Redeemer wearing my arait's and a nice summery white cotton dress.     I'm not meant for here but partner says we are not moving because his business is here and 'chugging along nicely'.   

*Further more and yet on another topic*

I can't believe I am unable to continue writing my so called novel.   It's like 4 years in the making now and I pulled out the manifesto yesterday and thought:   who the hell wrote all this?   And how am I supposed to finish it?  what drugs do I need to be on?  Where is this person? Which brings me to worry that I don't know who I am and maybe I have another personality I left somewhere...like a missing sock.

[Simona]

On a different note today has been a high anxiety day.   One of my chickens died.   It got really inflated like a balloon and I couldn't save it.  I found out it had eggs stuck up her thing and I tried to help her with my hands in latex and I even gave her a warm bath but she couldn't pop out the eggs.  And her bottom looked so terribly sore and seriously I'm a city person and up until few years ago I bought eggs in a carton.

I don't want chickens anymore

[Simona]

and I don't mean to go on but I feel it was my fault because for 3 days now I noticed it was bloated and sitting like penguin but  I thought she was maybe bitten by something.  Turned out its an egg bound condition

Also I have been anxious because I feel there is something not right with me mentally (besides the OCD).   I don't know what it is but i feel like my persona is fragmented

 Bye for now

[geoff]

dear Simona, absolutely not, so please don't worry, I also have a hard skin, which I developed from all those years of heartache caused by depression.

Losing a pet is really so tragic and the love we had for them is indescribable, sure we can replace them, but they can never be the same as the one we have just lost, although our new one, also has their own personality and idiosyncrasies and that's why we love them too. Geoff. x

[Simona]

Ok.    I will talk about my mental status then conclude this post with a question.

A. I   don't know who I will feel like from one-day to the next.  I think 1 is the real me, the other a child and there's also the assertive/aggressive masculine  and I hope to God this is not going to backfire on me because I sometimes do things the others don't agree with             

B. I am the 'pass the parcel'

The above is so difficult to explain : /     it's a grind your back molars kind of feeling

I'll be seeing a mental health person this week to organize a psychologist.  This person ironically; has the same name as the dominant/assertive and I don't know if this is a good sign or a warning.   

Also; I'm beginning to worry about the psychologist I haven't even been referred to as yet.   Because; between you and ME 

(and I almost want to lean in towards pc screen and whisper)

:  I'm not good with female mental health workers.  I don't bond.  I don't LIKE them. So it must be a man.

And I don't know how I'm even going to be able to talk without feeling like I'm outing myself .  I should just send him over here and get him to look me up.  

So, can anyone relate?     I 'm in the Anxiety Dep but I still feel like I'm on the wrong floor sometimes.

[Simona]

Ok.  eer that's nice...

Now moving right along I just want to say that I had my first visit yesterday.  I sat opposite him with my legs crossed and bag positioned defensively on my lap. I told him about the multiples, the heart palpitations and being very scared of my parents dying.   And being very alone in the world.

There was brief mention of being assigned to a psychologist and a psychiatrist.  And having to wash something down the gorlo but I can't remember what.

He was very nice. I think we bonded : )    He said I come across as eccentric and that made me smile because for me that calculates as = euphoric.  

And there are people out there who take illegal substances to feel like me or to have my kind of energy and that's pretty sad and self destructive I think.  I was born like this or I developed it as child.  I don't need to do drugs to get high.

I don't have much else to say because I'm not anxious about anything today.  And while I DO feel hollowed out like a Jacko-Lantern I'm not about to succumb because the happy ecstatica chipper train will pull in again and i will be on my way : )

Today I wear the ga ga poker face.   I have to post stuff for Ebay.

bye!

[Simona]

Clearly there has been an error in my judgement.   I opened up my referral letter today for the psychiatrist.  I will try to stay calm and I won't say I'm having a meltdown but I am gravely* disappointed in the Mental Health guy.  

Bonded my 8ass.  

Quite frankly; if I spot him in town this week ill' be sure to stick out my tongue if he looks my way.   The letter in front of me will not reach it's destined recipient until it has been re-edited.   He made me sound like a total schiz and yes I AM on the offensive.

Because; upon being asked I perhaps naively disclosed I had tried marijuana in the past but that it was short lived because it didn't agree with me because it fed the paranoia and I spent the duration of my 'high' clinging to the sofa and repeating "I want off this ride now".  So now i'm deemed in print as a past drug user.  

Why does the psychiatrist need to know this?   It happened years ago. It hasn't made me who I am.  These mental health workers automatically link 2 and 2 together and go AHA!!!! >  we got another Picnic bar.

Honestly I don't know what to do with it.  Tear it up or try re-editing it myself somehow (there's no signatures)  In one way I wish I never got this ball rolling because I'm really getting paranoid now.   I'm just going to lay low for a while I think

[Simona]

sorry

I used the wrong 'ass'.   English is my 2nd language ok.  Partner laughs at me a lot when I muck up like I sometimes ask him to pass me the thong instead of the tong when I'm cooking.

[Simona]

Ok.  This will be my last post (for today)     I just want to confirm that everything is under control.   I have made an appointment to see him later this week and I will give him back his letter and another chance.  I just want the aussie 'fair go'.  Nothing more nothing less

[Simona]

It wasn't his fault.  It was the new lady doctor.

sigh : /

today I feel nothing.  yesterday felt nothing and when partner came home it was worse because I looked at him like he was just someone who came in to fix something and then leave.  Like a private contractor.

So he changed from his hard yakka gear when he realized I was NOT going to cook dinner and started defrosting meat.   He cooked dinner for everyone and asked me if mine was ok and he smiled when I said yes and dropped his shoulders and began cutting into his own.   I think he was grasping for a peaceful night with every bit of his aching sinew. 

 I stayed away all night because I didn't feel anything. And later while alone in bathroom in front of mirror I thought of being just a simple dog because dogs can crawl under the house and dogs can also be euthanized if they bite someone

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[Simona]

I had to vacuum the new car and it took me over an hour because of all the long goldish fur and a bit went in my mouth. It covered the black upholstery and partner looked in and said 'jesus' because I was busted.  because in last car I had a turtle on the floor except I didn't know they smell so bad and he said not to bring animals home anymore but I can't help myself.

All this fur from a dog. Not ours but just a dog I found and since had to say goodbye to.   I like rescuing wandering/lost animals.

ps: a psychiatrist wants to see me in December

ok