But life IS scary for me

[Simona]

Being alive is like being inside a pinball machine and now and then someone comes along and try to give it a good tilt.   

Like the new car sitting in the driveway that I'm too scared to drive.  Partner and his parents don't understand. They keep checking in on me like I'm mentally disabled "So have you gone for a drive yet"?  they ask gently     NO. I want the old car back because it was a machine not a computer. Except I'm trapped here in the desert and need to drive into nearest town for supplies. For anything.

This is a rant now. Living in the country is not what I imagined it would be.  If I had a horse to ride I'd be happier somewhat but..i'm bored with the scenery & lack of things to do.  I'm bored of collecting insects/arachnids now and lost interest in photography. And all the locals (men mostly )congregate at the pub and drink beer and talk about crops/their health issues or small town gossip. I went in there and spied so I know.   Or the very old people rake leaves seemingly.....till early evening.    Just depresses me.   You grow old.  Rake leaves. Or make Jam.

Not me!!! I don't belong here : / I want to go places - Brazil in particular. I  want to visit Mt Corcovado and just stand in the shadow of Christ The Redeemer wearing my arait's and a nice summery white cotton dress.     I'm not meant for here but partner says we are not moving because his business is here and 'chugging along nicely'.   

*Further more and yet on another topic*

I can't believe I am unable to continue writing my so called novel.   It's like 4 years in the making now and I pulled out the manifesto yesterday and thought:   who the hell wrote all this?   And how am I supposed to finish it?  what drugs do I need to be on?  Where is this person? Which brings me to worry that I don't know who I am and maybe I have another personality I left somewhere...like a missing sock.

[Simona]

And my parents are in the city growing older and smaller and one-day one of them will die and I will only know after it's happened and that makes me feel incredibly scared and very sad because I'm not ready to be left behind.

I feel like an immature amateur. A Fraud.  An imposter under the mummy guise.

I sleep with a stuffed toy because it makes me feel safe but my partner throws it out of bed and says the fur irritates him and that I'm a 'bloody worry'.    I am the 'bloody worry' . Ha  I love his Australian accent : )

Well, the bloody worry wants to pull on a back-pack and just walk into town instead but I done that once before and caused lots of trouble but that's another story.

Ps - it's ok .  You don't need to say anything just 'listen' - I'm just putting it out there: I'm scared of everything seemingly

except for the dark

[PhyllisK]

Hi simona

 thank you for sharing.  I too am scared. I sleep with my old stuffed dog from childhood for comfort, and terrified of losing my mum whom has early onset dementia. I feel like an imposter in my career field and was recently bullied out of workplace.  I just keep hoping that one day things will get better and I will stop being scared of everything.  I hope you find some peace.

[kaylen]

I just wanted to say what a beautiful writer you are. The description of living in the country and where you want to be is amazing! I could read your posts all day. Turn them into a novel 🙂

Kaylen

[Felicity]

Simona, 

Georgia O'Keefe, the American artist, wrote 

'I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.'

 I take some comfort in that as she did great art AND she was terrified. I wish this bloody country had more public transport. I also am a fearful driver and hate that in the country one is forced to drive or be dependent on one's driving partner or friends.

Lots of us feel like an imposter. I do too. But there's actually no standard or perfect model woman/ writer/ artist/ mother/ company director...we all do our roles diferently.  

Keep writing! I enjoyed your posts too! Just stick at it and try to ignore your fierce internal critic. I have one of those too ...crippling when it gets a hold. Working in writing groups is something some people benefit by...

hope some of this can help

[Simona]

Thank-you PhyllisK  : )      I don't feel so bad in my head after reading you sleep with a stuffed friend too.  Because I have a pretty splintered childhood and soft things against my skin help me sleep but not my partner.     I feel sad for you. Your poor mum.  That is a slow motion scary.  

I relate to the adult bullying also but for me, that was years ago when I was sent to a place by my case manager. My boss would get too close to me and touch me on the shoulders while I held the soldering iron trying to concentrate. His hands on technique backfired on him because I lost 'it' and followed him all the way back to his office screaming at him.  I felt really proud of myself that day and relieved I wouldn't have to go back. 

[Simona]

Thank-you for your posts : )   they mean a lot to me.  And I appreciate the quote.  I gave you all a big blue thumb.  

[Simona]

Christopher are you there?     If you are could you please relocate this thread to the Trauma department.  I think this is on the wrong floor and I still have much to say.  It would save me starting a new thread

Thank-you for reading

also no I have not driven the car : /

[Simona]

Thank-you Kaylen.   I did want to acknowledge your post also : )   what a nice thing to say.  I have always enjoyed writing - much better with the written word than social gestures.  I write mainly for therapy/escapism. I relive my past via my alter egos.  The other 'me's

[PhyllisK]

That is so awesome. I'm so glad you pulled him up on his behaviour. I'm going to learn to stand up for myself and not be such a pushover when I get back to work. In meantime I'm going to keep snuggling my dog because it feels good 😀🐻