Battling an Eating Disorder that I don't understand as well as Panic/Anxiety Disorder...I don't know what else I can try....

[jessypixie]

Hi all you beautiful Souls, this is my 1st post, I've kinda run out of options so I thought I would give this forum a try.

Im a 30 year old female, who has suffered with some type of "eating disorder" since I was 3 years old. At the age of 14 I started suffering from Depression, which has now lead to me battling with severe Panic/Anxiety Disorder for the past 5-6 years.

I can't make sense of this eating disorder, I have been to 4 different therapists in the past 5 years, have tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, amongst other things, and NOTHING I do works.

So, from the age of 3, one day I stopped eating meals. My family says that I just refused to eat pretty much every single food known. The only thing I would eat for dinner is hot chips, sandwiches/toast & certain fruits (and this still continues to this very day)

I find it really hard to explain, because this is something I am so ashamed & embarrassed about. I try & hide this from anyone new I meet, & I strongly believe that the reason behind me developing Anxiety is because of the way I eat (I constantly fear death, think I'm having/will have a stroke or heart attack because of the way I eat)

I know what you're probably thinking, How hard is it to put food into your mouth and simply swallow it? I have tried over and over again to try new food, especially healthy foods that I know are good for me. Everytime I do this, even if the portions are so minimal, I freeze up, I cry, I feel nauseous and am completely resistant to it. There has been a few instances where I would put a piece of carrot (example) in my mouth, chewed and eventually swallowed the food that's in my mouth but I cannot bring myself to have a second mouthful.

I think the easiest way to describe it is that I have a phobia of food I guess?? I have a partner of 13 years, and I can cook he's food and be around the food, I just CANNOT put it in my mouth and eat like a normal person.

My anxiety has stopped me from doing research online, because I can't even really describe my problem, so how can you find the answer right? This has already taken about 2 hours just to write this.

I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who suffers or knows someone who suffers from something similar? Where there are very minimal types of food you will eat & even with those foods, you're still very fussy and particular about them?

To anyone reading, I appreciate your time. I am so lost and confused, any advice would be so appreciated. Peace & Love

[BballJ]

Hi Jessypixie,

Firstly, welcome to the forums and well done on getting your story out there, it is one of the hardest steps even writing it out so well done and be proud for that.

I don't have much experiance in this particular issue you have but I am hoping someone will comment with better advice than me however I just wanted to firstly reach out and lend my support but secondly just ask about you seeing a psychologist. What made the 4 you had incorrect, did they not understand what you were going through? How long were you seeing them for?

Just trying to get a grasp on how long you have given each psychologist as most take many sessions to start working through your the roots of your problems. Very hard when you have had these issues since you were a toddler so I can understand how this has manifested into anxiety and depression and even panic attacks.

I am sorry I am not much help and I hope someone will comment with more useful advice for you.

My best for you,

Jay

[pipsy]

Hi J.P When you mention having an 'eating' disorder, are you taking Anorexia? With Anorexia the desire for food is somehow overshadowed by a 'voice' telling you the food is bad. Although, having re-read your post it sounds like you panic at the thought of eating. Depression is an extremely powerful (negative) emotion. The food you have problems with, sounds like vegetables, greens etc. Chips, toasted sandwiches, fruits. When you try to eat the other food, can you describe the sensations you experience? I know you said anxiety/panic etc. Small amounts of vegetables are necessary for proteins however if you have an allergy to these, there are alternate foods you can purchase. Have you had an allergy test to determine if you do have any allergies to these foods. I propose you try to see your Dr to arrange for an allergy test to determine if you have problems with these foods. If you do have a phobia, help is available, but see your Dr first. Fruits are great, so too is toast, etc. However you need help with discovering what your phobia is, if you have one. If you have an allergy, you will get anxious about eating food that causes problems.

Lynda

[jessypixie]

Hi Jay 🙂 Thanks so much for the reply

I went to Psychologist #1 for around 5 or 6 sessions. This was when I first started getting Anxiety and having Panic attacks, so the main focus was learning how to "live" with the anxiety, learning my triggers etc. I only seen him for a short while as I didn't really feel comfortable with him. He was setting me challenges that we just to hard to achieve.

So as I was struggling still with the Panic attacks/Anxiety I started to see Psychologist #2. I told her that what I really wanted to work on was "what was stopping me from eating like a normal person"? I seen her for 12 sessions. Although I did feel comfortable with her, she advised me that my Anxiety is what I needed to work on first before I could work on my eating. So Anxiety was the main focus for that 12 session period.

Psychologist #3 - I seen her for 12 months, again she helped me understand my triggers, in the last 2 months of seeing her I was suicidal and was self-harming because I still could not work out what was 'wrong' with me. I was so ready to give it all up by this stage. She wanted me to stay in a mental hospital, but we ended up settling for Mental Health nurses visiting my home twice daily to medicate me.

So Psychologist #4 I seen for about 6 sessions. We worked on CBT, but I guess now that I reflect back on that time, I really was desperate for answers but had given up on the idea that anyone could help me so I got nothing out of those sessions.

So for the past 2ish years, I have found somewhat clarity (Anxiety wise) with Meditation, crystals, Mother Nature and New-Age self-help books like "The Power of Now".

With the support & patience of my family, partner & friends I have come to learn that life is worth living, and I really want to educate myself more on what it is that I'm battling, but most of all I want to be a happier and healthier version of myself.

I have been taking medication for my anxiety for 6 years, so with that, alongside understanding how to manage my anxiety, I finally feel I'm ready to take on this challenge once and for all on how I can finally overcome my eating disorder. (I dont even know if you technically call it an eating disorder...maybe its a fear or phobia I really don't know)

Once again, thanks for taking the time to reply, I guess the more questions I'm asked the more I talk about it (which is something that has been both crippling and confronting my whole life)

Positive vibes

Jessy 🙂

[jessypixie]

Hi Pipsy. Thanks for the reply.

Yeah it is definitely not your 'main' eating disorders like Anorexia, Bulimia etc.

I'll try my best to explain it, I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, as this is really the first time in 27 years I've spoken publicly or 'out loud' about this.

I believe I had many tests when I was younger, and everything came back normal. My Mum said, in the words of my doctor "There's nothing you can really do for Jessy, the day that she is slumped in the corner of a room and can't move is the day you really have to worry." From what I'm told from family members, as a child I just refused to eat anything but the above mentioned foods, so there was nothing my family could do as they were advised "I would grow out of it".

But for the past few years when I have sat down and attempted to "eat", the first thing I was trying was a very plain salad. So my challenge was to put one little piece of carrot, half a cherry tomato, a lettuce leaf and a tiny celery stick on a plate, use a knife and fork (something I am unfamiliar with) and try each piece of food one by one, but start with VERY small portions.

So each time I've tried, I've sat with the plate in front of me from anywhere to 5-30 minutes. In this time, I'm feeling utter fear, my heart is racing and I'm completely overwhelmed. Once the food is in my mouth & start chewing (a few times I have dry-reached whilst I am chewing), but it's then when I start to feel like my throat is closing up, like I almost can't breathe, and the texture of the food is so "unknown" to me that I really struggle to even swallow ( I may even have the chewed food in my mouth for up to 2 mins before I can actually physically swallow it) It's almost like my brain 'paralyzes' my body. Once the food is down, I feel so sick to my stomach that I will uncontrollably cry & walk away from the experience disappointed in myself, and almost more scared because I know that this is the only way I am going to learn to overcome the fear.

I have seen many different GP's about this. They just say "It's just your anxiety", but I have been battling this eating disorder long before I started suffering from Anxiety disorder so this is why I am so stuck and lost.

As you can probably tell, I'm completely confused about what's happening. I just wish there was some type of specialist that would be able to help me understand more, and to point me in the right direction.

Again thanks for your time 🙂 I truly appreciate it

Jessy 🙂

[pipsy]

hi jessepixie. It would appear the food you're having problems with is extremely dry in texture (except the cherry tomatoes) . Lettuce, celery sticks even carrots can be dry in texture. Do you have a food processor/blender? If you do, have you tried combining the celery sticks, carrots, tomatoes and some fruits like apples and bananas together. Put the above mixture in a processor or blender and mix with a small amount of water. Don't concern yourself with the lettuce, try getting used to the combination. You shouldn't need much water as the combined fruits and tomatoes will supply juice. This will eliminate the chewing process too and your stomach will digest easier.

Lynda

[jessypixie]

Hi Lynda

Sounds like a great suggestion, I will definitely try something like this 🙂

Just hoping one day I'll be able to work out how to beat the phobia of eating food like a regular person. But again thanks for replying

Jessy

[BballJ]

Hi Jessy,

You have certainly given everything a chance, which is amazing as I hope you have learnt different things along the way. I like that you have found some peace with meditation, mother nature etc they are amazing tools at our disposal and so useful.

I guess this eating phobia, I don't like the word disorder as it is quite negative in general so I'll say phobia to take the edge of it a bit, it's literally taking baby steps and working through at your own pace, the main thing is you are ready to start trying to fix it and that is all you can do. Hopefully there is some more clarity on it for you in the new year and you can start feeling better.

My best for you,

Jay

[jessypixie]

Thanks for the kind words Jay..

After a little research I think I may be suffering from something called SED (Selective Eating Disorder) or ARFID. It's something that has only recently been acknowledged as an "eating disorder" (sorry to use the word disorder) so there is not much information out there for me.

Im keeping hopeful and positive in the New Year. I'm currently looking into finding a Hypnotherapist in the Melbourne area that may be familiar with my situation.

But again, thankyou for the kind words and support. I've really come to love these forums and connecting with others.

May your day be a happy and positive one. Peace

Jessy

[BballJ]

Hi jessypixie,

That's awesome that you have had a some what breakthrough on what it may be and I hope you will be able to find the help you deserve.

My best as always for you, always here to talk if needed.

Jay