Hi kristine434,
Thanks for your post. I have *absolutely* experienced something very similar to what you are describing– I describe it as feeling not at all resilient, like if the world were to throw me even one more stressful thing I wouldn't be able to cope and I would just shut down. I feel like I live in constant fear of whatever that bad thing is happening. Because the bad things seem to come out of nowhere, and are things I hadn't thought of, I try to think of as many bad things as possible in the hope that that prevents them from happening.
It's a totally maddening way to live, but one that is possible to get some control over. Through going to therapy and doing a lot of practice I have started to be able to let go a bit, and realize that I just have to let whatever will happen happen and that I don't really have any choice but to be resilient. It's like the pandemic– if you told me last year I would survive a crazy global pandemic I would tell you no way and that would ruin me psychologically. It's been difficult, but here I am. What I am trying to say is that even though it feels helpful and protective, the hypervigilance is only a source of pain.
Do you mind my asking if you have talked about this jump response and anxious feeling, like a GP or a counsellor?
Best,
Gems
