Hi,
Sorry this is long but I need some advice because I'm pulling my head apart with worry. I have suffered anxiety all my life but didn't know what it was until a couple months ago. I had to have an operation 5 weeks ago & being my first it triggered of my anxiety that I haven't been able to get myself back from it.
I wrote a letter to friend thanking them for coming to visit me & sending me texts to check on me as only one other friend did this. I dropped the letter in their letterbox rather than giving it to them when we were at work because I was embarrassed. Then I did a stupid thing 2 days later & sent them a text saying there was more to me writing the letter but I couldn't talk about it still because it's still hurts & one day I would tell them - this was only on reference to the fact that I felt disappointed in other people who were not there for me when I've been there for them. They didn't reply.
Then on Monday after when we were leaving work & I went to give them the second part to the letter,they freaked right out, she had read the text I sent the wrong way to what I had meant it to mean & we had a discussion that made my anxiety go through the roof. I was terribly upset after that because I have a huge fear of people I care about leaving my life. I was really quiet at work on Wednesday as it was my first session with a psychologist & they texted me later saying they noticed I was not myself & they thought they'd let me be & to take care.
Then yesterday it came up,they apologised for overreacting, saying to me all they could think was oh no not again (not sure what or who that was in reference to) & sorry for freaking me out. But then later when I was talking about how I didn't sleep Monday night they said "I'm pretty sure I had something to do with that & I probably shouldn't have said some of the things I did" and then they said "Well maybe..." & stopped themselves. I asked what they were going to say & they said they need to think before they talk & they don't want to upset me. They then said how they like everything to be positive & happy.
All that has gone around my head since is what was coming after that "maybe" because it was obviously something that would hurt me. I know I can be clingy because of my anxiety & fear & I am terrified I have screwed up this because I cannot control my anxiety. I don't know what to do because I don't want to loose them from my life.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Larnzi
